I was attacked last night. I went out with the intentions of having a good time, but in the end I ended up being battered and beaten. I was attacked by an adversary that I could not overcome and I became helpless. There are a few of you that I tried to reach out to last night for assistance… with almost no success.
Coming off of Friday night where someone stepped up to me and found himself flying across a patio… it’s humbling to sit here and type that I was completely obliterate last night.
I guess by now you are curious about my opponent eh?
The nemesis that took me down last night, was Memories.
A flood of emotions came reaching through my mind last night and I could not deal with them, it broke me. It shattered me to the point where I’m still not completely of sound body and mind… I know I saw her. I have to be crazy but there is still a part of me that believes she was there.
The sad part of all of this is that my state of mind was not, and is not alcohol induced… however, it might as well be. I was just as incoherent as if i was hammered last night. I hit a brand new low last night, and I still have not been able to find a way to truly pick myself back up yet. My current state of mind has me feeling alienated from just about everyone. . . like I have no one.
For those of you feeling confused I am going to sum everything up for you. Years ago I lost someone. She was very close to me and at the time she was the reason I became the person that I am today. Before meeting her I didn’t give a rats ass about anyone else let alone everyone else’s problems. I looked out for my self.. well not really even that.. I was just a blob. I ate, slept, and breathed. That was it.
This girl changed my life. Made me care about things like hygiene and showed me the power of empathy. I turned my entire life around because of her… and for many years after, I felt responsible for losing her. In fact I was told that it was my fault… and I carried that with me a long time. It led to some of the worst years of my life…
Last night, I swore she was there. If I didn’t know better I would bet my life on it…
This might sound really weak, and definitely is going to destroy any image anyone ever had of me being strong in any way… but, my sudden influx of memories.. both great, and horrific… It winded me. I could barely operate last night, and almost did some very stupid things. I reached out to people who I believed to be the ones I could turn to in a crisis only to realize that everyone is willing to help as long as it doesn’t conflict with their own interests. Last night I actually felt completely alone, and it was overwhelming.
If not for Johnny waking up after I called his cell a few times… I fear for what would’ve happened.
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It’s strange the impact that memories can have on the waking mind. I am thinking I got so floored because I haven’t thought of her for a while. I think I was finally starting to let her go.. to be able to go a full day without thinking about her at all… and possibly it is because of how little I have been thinking of her lately that caused it all to hit me that hard. It’s the only thing I can surmise.
The past is a powerful ally or an unstoppable enemy, this is what I have come to learn in my years on this earth.
It is odd the power the past can have on you. I mean, you know what happened.. so, why is it that when you remember it, you feel so passionate about the memory. Simple. A memory is not a movie, it isn’t a film strip in your mind that you can rewind, fast forward and play while being on the outside of the 4th wall. A memory allows you to mentally go back to the event… you go back and not only watch
what went down, but have all the same feelings you did back then. The smell of beach, of her perfume… the sound of the wood cracking in the fire, the pain when the ember landed on the side of my face… her touch as she cuddled into me….
This isn’t a movie, it’s a primitive form of time travel, and every time I go back I remember and feel the joy of how amazing our last night together was… and the remorse for how it ended, and then I fast-forward to the news that she was gone forever…
Here’s where normally I give advice on my topic.. but I can’t. I don’t know what is better. I was going to type, make sure all your memories are great ones so you can avoid this problem.. but the issue there is if you go back to happy times, it’s a jolt to your system when you return back to the present.
So, sorry this is more of a rant, because I have no advice to give on this. All I can really say is, careful in life, live in the present, don’t fear the future, and respect the past.
And to everyone that went out last night… and to those trick or treating today… hope you have a Happy Halloween.
…
P.S: Is it bad that I only right now noticed that it is Halloween and I have a Halloween sounding title for this entry… lol
The World Is Broken 
“I could barely operate last night, and almost did some very stupid things. I reached out to people who I believed to be the ones I could turn to in a crisis only to realize that everyone is willing to help as long as it doesn’t conflict with their own interests. Last night I actually felt completely alone, and it was overwhelming.”
That was me circa November 2006. It’s not exactly the same, but very similar.
My person was a guy who I had met online (and I do feel comfortable talking about this now so no worries), I had been talking to him for close to 9 months and he decided to come to Corner Brook to meet me. I was completely enveloped with this person, I thought he was the best half of any two halves imaginable. While he spent that month with me he drank 14 dozen beer himself, two flasks, and visited the bars without me on several occasions. I was numb to his alcholism, not realizing that this wasn’t really a phase, until he hit me.
I went through the lowest of lows the night I dropped him off at the airport in Deer Lake, I knew once he got on that plane that I would never see him again. That was November 29, 2006. We broke up February 14, 2007.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, that sentence felt like a joke to me at the time. Now I know it’s true.
Thanks for writing that blog Devin-lee. I’ll look forward to reading more from you.
I read through a few of your entries after just finding that you have a blog, and this one in particular really struck me. You really do have a knack for writing.
After reading this I had to take a little moment down my own memory lane. After doing so I had realized that things can significantly change in such a small amount of time. However I have always been a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.
These reasons could take a lifetime to realize or some may notice the reasons right away. So I guess your dream had come to you for a reason. I believe that it is not known why you had to go down your own memory lane, however something you had learned from previous situations were becoming once again unclear. Well that is my theory.
Sorry my writing is not half as good as yours…. you are certainly talented!
Devin – Looking forward to seeing if you know who this is !
well, the IP is a St. John’s one. 😛 that kind’ve limits who this would be hah. I know you 😛