No Greater Crime Than Wasting Time

I was sitting here at the computer watching the minutes tick by.  There are so many ideas floating around my head for possible settings and characters for the narrative I plan on writing that it’s taking a lot out of me to just organize those thoughts together into a coherent idea.

Surfing through the net I came across a line that spoke to me.  Considering the amount of time I’ve spent that I would consider to be wasteful lately it really spoke to me.

“Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life”  Seneca

How much time have we all spent wasted on useless endeavours? I moved to this town to lose weight, get my career on track, and essentially shed myself of the guilt that plagued my mind since Elaine passed away.

Albeit I believe I’m in a safer place right now when it comes to Elaine.  I’m able to remember her without getting incredibly emotional, I don’t beat myself up for abandoning her any more.

Why do we put things off?  Procrastination is such an overwhelming tendency that is hard to shake once you’ve been doing it so long.  When I should be sorting out my gym membership and working on my writing I’ve spent my time gallivanting around aimlessly with the free time that I had.

I made very childish mistake of putting the important things on the back burner in lieu of leisure and irrelevant things.

Am I saying that I will not be having any more fun until I’ve met all my goals? Oh god no, the human psyche needs to have entertainment.  I’m just saying that I’ve put too much of that too high in my priorities.  I’ve written before about the Strain Of Leisure, well now I’m beginning to feel it’s burden.

Why do we do this though?  In a lot of the cases I’ve experienced and heard about people become their own worst enemy.  There is no bigger obstacle to the development of a person than their own meandering thought processes… the lack of initiative to go out executing the plans you make.

In two years I think I’ve had well over a dozen “Day Ones” in my life, I’ve even had three different attempts at starting a separate offshoot blog of “The World Is Broken” to monitor and track my progress towards meeting these goals.  So that in the end I’ll have an amazing keepsake and record of where I was vs where I ended up.

And yet here I sit… I’m stagnant in the same position I was months ago.  I’ve made strides lately.  Finding work helped, I have my own place, and I’ve made it impossible to use my credit card so debt will not grow… I’ve even taken steps lately to start reducing my needless spending and consumption.

But this time.. am I really ready.  I have said this a lot in my day…  this time it does feel different.  I feel like I’m actually in a mental and physical place where I am going to pull this off.. Maybe this is why it’s been so long between the end of last season and the beginning of this one… maybe I needed to be ready and this season is going to be the transitional one… Finally.

I guess you guys can just wait and see.  Hopefully 6 months from now I’ll be able to boast some results and 12 months from now I’ll be linking you all to the blog that’ll show how I got where I ended up.

It’s time to treat every day as though it were a new life… free from the mistakes and the sins of my past, and bursting with a limitless potential for the future.

Wish me Luck.

– Day One – June 8, 2011 –

I have had to come to terms with the worst event to happen in my life in the past 10 years.  There’s been many proclamations of better things to come, so many plans to better myself in the past, but it always gets put off.

It’s been a week to the day since Elaine left us and I’m still far from myself.  Last night was the first night since Friday that wasn’t spent in the graveyard looking over her and remembering the impact she had on my life.

This post is not another eulogy, and it isn’t another goodbye for her.  There is not enough web space available on the internet to hold everything I want to say about her.  This post is more about what is now to come.

I’ve spent too long looking to ludicrous ideas and ambitions, but nothing ever comes of them.  It’s officially time for that to end.

I went to see Elaine on every visit that I made to St. John’s unless it just couldn’t happen. The end of April I was there for 2 days, and wanted to see her but I assumed I had so much time.  I left St. John’s with the intentions of sorting out my life and returning to the city at the end of the summer to spending more time with her.

That plan turned into an extended stay in Stephenville with the intent to visit the big city more often… which of course led us to where we are now.  I will never get the chance to see her again.

I am not going to be put off this anymore, this may be a familiar rant to anyone who knows me too well but I’m done.  I had to abandon Elaine and move back home to fix myself, it’s about time I take that seriously because if I don’t take it seriously it means I truly did abandon her for nothing.

I’m setting goals right now to be accomplished over the next 6 months, starting tomorrow.

Within the next 6 months I am going to meet very specific goals…
It’s time to clean up this life, professionally, financially, and physically.

In 6 months time I’m also going to place a link here and on Scratching The Surface to the blog that I am going to use to keep track of my progress, of course I’m not showing it to anyone until after the 6 months has expired..

No more distraction, no more procrastination…
I’m not wasting anymore time with bullshit that doesn’t have any importance.

Never Forget - Elaine Mahon 1987 - 2011

– And So It Begins –

After much preparation and build up 2011 has finally arrived.  We are about to commence with the 6th day of January.  Still of sound body and mind I am confident that I will meet my goals.  The objectives I have set forth for myself that will be completed this year, even if the beginning was littered with exception and excuses.

As I said, the major goals for me this year is to eliminate excessive drinking, fast food and soft drinks. These three aspects of my life were pretty prominent and are all going to be very difficult to live without initially but I know I can do it… especially considering that they are the chief contributors holding me back from what I want to do and who I want to be.

I look towards this semester of education and the subsequent season of the summer with a great deal of anticipation.  At the end of this semester I will not be the same person that is sitting in his computer chair at 7am writing this blog entry, I will have become the person I always knew I could be.

My studies will be completed to the quality in which I should have been producing for the last three semesters.  I will no longer make decisions that is going to have a negative affect physically on myself anymore.  By December 31st, 2011… I WILL have money saved in the back.  Also, this blog is going to be starting to include a lot more entries involving current issues around this community of Stephenville, Newfoundland and well Newfoundland in general.  Any news that I find interesting and sparks any kind of in-depth thought in my brain will be shared and discussed here.

I refuse to submit to Frank’s vision of our digital footprint being completely serious at all times and essentially a glorified portfolio for my upcoming journalistic career, but I am interested in more discussion on events rather than simply ideas.  The Sonic Potluck 25 entry last year was one of the most viewed entries I’ve ever written, expect more work of that nature this year.

Very real, very obtainable goals.  Let’s see how it goes.  I’m going to try to get a real entry up later, but for now.. this is the last intro to 2011 post I needed to write.

Best of luck in the upcoming year everyone, with whatever you have decided to undertake for it.

– On with the New –

It’s a strange time of year for a new season to start, but that is definitely what occurred last night.  Last night there was a complete collapse of everything that has been hovering above me.  It all came crashing down over me, leaving me with a clear vision of what I have going for me, and what I will never have in my life anymore.  I know where I stand in life, and more importantly where I want to stand.  These past few weeks I have been on a slow recovery to the person that I once was, but I believe last night was a sign that I have basically reached my destination.

This entry is more centralized on a certain concept though.  One of friendship.  What exactly defines a friend?  I was under the impression that I didn’t have any, but then I got to thinking, what exactly are the duties of a friend?  If I received a call from anyone, at anytime, unless there was a major reason preventing me, I would be there.  I would do everything in my power to get to them and help, especially if they were asking.

I’ve realized that I can’t expect the same kind of mentality from the people I surround myself with now.  I need to understand that the average person will be there for friends within reason, which really isn’t something I can fault anyone for, nor am I.

Everybody’s gotta learn sometime right?

I guess the real moral of this entry is simple.  If you go through life measuring everyone and making yourself the standard for scrutiny, then you will find yourself greatly disappointed more often than not.  I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, I just handle things differently.

I take my friendships seriously, especially when they are close ones.  One time I had a friend in port aux port that I was worried about, it was like 1am.  So I left a note for mom and dad, took the keys to their CRV and drove to port aux port to make sure she was okay…

In St. John’s I was playing poker and had about 500 dollars on the table in front of me, and my girlfriend called me upset.  I couldn’t calm her down over the phone so I got up from the table and left to take care of her, leaving the money there because I couldn’t wait another 20 minutes for the deal to come back around to me so I could cash out.

I’m realizing that if I base everyone else on decisions like these, I will find myself disappointed most of the time.

This is a strange realization to come to, considering I pride myself in knowing my friends better than anyone, and most of them will agree that I do.  Knowing and Judging are done with two different parts of the mind I guess, but it stops now.  I’m not going to judge anyone anymore… as I said on Facebook, everyone is getting a clean slate.. (well almost everyone)

Last night was rough… there’s only been 2 other nights like that in recent memory… each time an epiphany followed.  This is no different, albeit nothing new is in my mind but it is the kick I needed.  In one of my recent entries I said that I found the motivation I needed, well right now I have the initiative.  There’s going to be a lot of changes going in the in immediate future for me. My apologies in advance to anyone that was once important to me that is going to be left behind.  I’m predicting that only my close friendships are going to survive this one, this is a time to start evaluating the people in my life…. and the people who I think shouldn’t be.

Anyway, take what you will from this.  This entry has no purpose other than to get these thoughts out of my head and put them in a different medium.. and maybe this is going to be helpful for a couple of you to understand what’s going on in my head.  I’ve burn some bridges, but the peace that is starting to seep into my pours right now overshadows any regret that may exist.

There’s going to be a brand new me that is going to be noticed around this town very shortly.

So in a sense.. this is a goodbye entry.  The me that you all know right now, as you know him, is dying.
Anyway, enough ranting.  I need to get out of this town, I’m going home.

 

– That Time Of The Year Again… Happy Birthday Eh? –

Technically, it is October 18th, 1:50am.  I am writing this blog before turning in to sleep.  Tomorrow I must study as much as I can before writing my Newfoundland History midterm – an exam that I may potentially fail.  Is this news? Not really.  My performance up to this point does not warrant to produce any benefit.  I will salvage this year I’m sure.  But, this entry has a purpose.

It isn’t a social commentary on society.  Nor will I dive into any psychological conundrums.  It’s merely time for the conclusion of my reflections.  Today was the anniversary of my birth.  October 17th.  Let’s just recap what went down.

To being, Birthdays ARE lame.  I hate my birthday most years.  It usually is a depressing reminder that my life was so much better once upon a time.  For me it is usually the loneliest day of the year.  I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, things that I do indeed regret (even if that statement contradicts my earlier statement of never regret.)  I’ve lost good friends, and girlfriends…  I’ve alienated myself from some really pivotal people in my life, luckily for me I haven’t been too self-destructive to lose them all… yet.  There are friends that I wish I could share this day with, when I look back on my life and see the great friends I once had, putting that in contrast with the distance I feel between even some of the closest people in my life right now, it is hard to be an optimist this time of year.

I was wrong though.  A couple of friends this year took it upon themselves to remind me that although I have lost touch with a big part of myself… that I feel hollow… I still have my value.  Einstein once said, “Strive not to be a success, but to be of value.”  And after last night, I feel as though I am regaining a portion of my sense of self-worth.  I think I’m finally beginning to advance towards my original self… the guy that would do the right thing, regardless of cost.

The party that was thrown for me was pretty large scale for the neighborhood, and almost got us evicted.. but since I still have the apartment, I tend to chalk that up to a sign that it was epic.  Then the night progressed to Clancy’s and The Bar.  It was a success, I legitimately felt like I actually belonged for the first time in a long time.  So once again, I thank anyone who is reading this that showed up last night.

This entry is not a retelling of my birthday festivities though.  It’s about the revelation I came too when I woke up this afternoon.  It is October 17th and I am officially 25 years old.  I’ve been talking about my “Mission” since the summer began.  I was planning on returning to school as a completely transformed man.  What better time is there to start a new goal in life then a birthday?

On my 26th birthday I’m making this proclamation.  I WILL be able to look in the mirror and enjoy the reflection I see looking back at me.  I’ve tried this so often in the past, but it’s time I make good.  I’m not getting

younger, and I don’t want to waste the few years I have left to be youthful and enjoy this life before the strain of middle age starts eating away at me.

I set a mandate of 12 months.  This time next year, You are going to see a brand new me.  That is a promise.

The picture you see to the left is a picture taken last night.  It is the most recent picture of myself that I have at the moment and it is my starting point.  I’m hoping that this blog remains at least online for the next 12 months so that I can be able to report on the final tally when it comes time for birthday number 26.

Here’s hoping.

But here we go.  I refuse to let any other excuse or reason hold me back anymore.  I am going to take control of my own life and finally strive to get what I am not only capable of, but what I deserve to have.  I shouldn’t be scrounging around for the bottom of the barrel with everything.  I should NOT be overweight… I don’t really have a slow metabolism or a medical condition for it.. it’s inactivity and a bad diet.  I should NOT be anything but the top of our class in school. No offense to any classmate reading this entry, but there is literally nothing that we have ever done that I found remotely confusing or difficult.  If I just showed up all the time and just put minimal effort into these assignments and exams I would be at the top of the class.  I’m sure there isn’t many that will dispute this.  I should NOT be making the selfish choices when I know what the right thing is.  I am usually the moral standard of everyone’s perspective.  I should not be letting drama get to me, I’m the dealer of it, I know how to make it go away, I need to regain my King of Resolving Drama crown…

There’s a LOT of work ahead of me, in so many ways.  But, what better day to start it than now?  After all, isn’t the old adage, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life.”  Carpe Diem guys, “Seize the Carp!”

No more excuses…

 

– The Mission –

Okay, so this time-killer and outlet of my mental diarrhea is beginning to grow.  This is now the third category that I have here.  There is my rants.  There is Newfie Times for stories about shit we do.  And now The Mission.

I’d figure that I’d chronicle my little journey into self-improvement. 

I want to make it publically known that this semi-metamorphosis is a product of my own desire, not a submission to the pressures of what everyone else thinks. 

This is just an intro entry to the category.  Once I have a detailed plan that is going to be set in motion this is where you’ll find it.