– When It All Fell Apart –

When I started this online outlet I didn’t want it to turn into pretentious rantings about the emotional swings that occur in my life.  I envisioned something where I had something to say, something that people wanted to hear, so I needed a place to put it.  Alas, there has been three different instances over the last week when I thought to myself, “That’s something I can blog about”… but by the time I made it to a computer the thought was long gone… and now I find myself in a venting mood.

Any of your that followed the blog, or ever had a conversation about Regrets with me should recall my philosophy.  It really is quite simple.  Anytime an individual came up to me and said they wish they could’ve changed something about their life, that they wanted another chance to do things differently… I’ve always had the same response… “Do you like who you are right now?”

That answer usually can garner a reluctant “yes”…  well if you like who you are then you should never want to change the past because all decision and actions no matter how insignificant they may seem or how much pain was inflicted… they are what shaped the person that you are today.

It is for this reason that I live my life without regret.  I’ll openly admit that I make a lot of mistakes, I’m not a perfect specimen of the human race by a long shot, both physically and in my personality, but I try.  That’s all anyone can really do.  I’ve done things I am not proud of, I’ve hurt people in ways that make me wish I could change things… but, I always was able to look in the mirror and say that I like the man looking back at me…. other than the monster gut, I could use to get rid of that one 😛

Here comes the inspiration of this entry.

The answer has changed.  I look in the mirror now and I don’t recognize the apparition staring back at me.  He looks like a memory of someone who once was here.  What happened?  I’ve turn into something that just doesn’t resemble the person I want to be.  There are just as many people who have a terrible image of me as there are those that could vouch that I’m really not that bad.

Friends have turn into strangers… people who once upon a time would look to me for help and guidance, see me with a veil of resentment.  I’m losing touch with almost everything that I once believed to be important.  Even now with this entry, if any of the not-so-friendly friends that I have are reading this I can already feel the chill of them rolling their eyes at this entry.  I’ve been reduced to a very small fraction of the person I once was…  This season is full of new characters, my life seems to be a revolving door of new characters.

I’m a villain now… and I still don’t see the transition, I don’t know how it happened.

I need those of you that don’t really know me in on a few of the secrets that are not-so-secret amongst my closest friends.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I talk a big game.  I really do.  Hell I’ll even go as far as to say that for the most part I can even back up a lot of what I say, so it isn’t bullshit.  But the point is that this persona of mine comes from the fact that  I have spent so much of my life being completely trivial and unimportant… That I have grown to be an adult that defines himself by the relations in his life and the company that he keeps.  I never put any stock into my own worth, my lot in life was to make sure that those around me never lost sight of how valuable they are, because I never saw any value when I looked at myself.

To an extent I still carry a portion of that mindset.  I still base a lot of my value in the relations I have, it weighs really heavy in my mind.  So when I discover that very close friends of mine have actually had a beef with me but didn’t bother talking it through with me… It cuts deeper then any blade forged by human hand could ever achieve.  It is no longer a fact that I believe myself to be worthless.  I did discover self-worth in recent years, and it is no longer dependent on how many of my friends need me for help… it is independent self-worth.

However, when you see me out and about, you probably will see a guy that walks around feeling like he can hold his head high… it has even been said that I am arrogant and cocky… those that know me best can laugh at this statement, because they know better.  I lack the self-confidence to be arrogant.  I still have a part of me that places everyone else on a pedestal high above myself… there is just a monumental difference between me and a meek, shy kid in the corner…..

I’ve gotten really good at putting up that front.  I can walk into a bar and speak to anyone for a few seconds… not to say I can last longer than that, it depends on the other person, if they are engaged in the conversation then yes.. if not, then no.  I can talk to anyone, because I can swallow my pride, walk up, and pretend like I don’t care if they’ll look at me as if I’m a leper and run away screaming from me… This ability to fabricate confidence has slowly begun to lay a foundation and provide me real confidence.  I’m not someone that will be walked all over anymore, I will stand up….

Getting back to the mindset that I have right now… I really do not know who I am anymore.  I am not a good person, that is clear.  But I refuse to submit to the thought that I have really become the villain.  Once upon a lifetime ago I was afraid of being assertive because I do have an asshole buried deep inside.. Danielle saw it in full swing, and Candace got a glimpse of it as well…. I’m not afraid of that anymore.  I know I have that portion of my being under control, but, I can’t help be just be lost at the moment.

I wake up in the morning and I’m just empty.  I can’t explain it, I don’t know what happened… I was hoping that getting it into text and being able to read it for myself would help me find some clarity…  my priorities are whacked, my head is all clustered with random thoughts and memories… I can’t seem to make sense of much at the moment.

Before I end this, I want to write this disclaimer before certain people begin to take this entry as me being upset or emo.  I’m really not,  I’ve been a bit off lately, and I don’t think that it’ll be going away anytime soon.. No I don’t know the cause.  I just feel like i’m crawling out of my own skin… like I am not myself, and I don’t quite even know who “I” am… ever have that feeling??

There isn’t really a purpose to this entry… I’m not sure why you have actually read this to the end.  I just needed to get this in writing I guess.

I’m fine people.. really.. lol.