– A Quite Humbling Experience –

I’ve done it.  I have begun a descent into everything that I used to mock.  I started “The World Is Broken” because there were far too many thoughts on various topics running around in my head looking for an escape and the clutter was driving me insane.  I have actually felt pretty accomplished with this blog since then.  I hit 1,000 views last week, which I want to thank everyone for again. 

I was getting to a point of even having pride in the work I’ve been producing. . . right now it is seriously in doubt. 

It all started when I logged into WordPress to check out the blog.  On the main site I found a link, and it caught my eye.  It was something that really grabbed my attention. 

Observe…. Dating – Fine… Writing About It – Not Fine

The title is what caught my eye, but then the writing kept me enthused.  The very odd thing that may surprise any of you who are about to go and check out this guys blog, (because I know at least 15-20 of you are going to)  is he describes my blog pretty closely as he goes into detail about his newfound pet peeve. 

I left a comment on his blog praising his work as I believe good work should be appreciated, even if indirectly it is a slam at what you have put a lot of time into.

Now of course, I do not want anyone coming to me giving me uplifting words trying to raise my spirits.  I do NOT require it… unless you really just want to anyway, my self-esteem could always use a lift.  😉

But no, really I am posting it here because I really enjoyed the entry and even though he slams date-writing and I’ve done my fair share of that in my day.  I try to keep it general and speak of ideals instead of specifics but a lot of the times it can’t be helped.  Especially at the start, it felt like something I would’ve written.  So if you like mine, check it out.

– Kryptonite For The Academic Superman –

I am well aware that I am running the risk of people who know me well assuming this post is yet more evidence that my head has spent more time in the DC Universe as of late than it has been in Reality.  The point would be hard to debunk; I have been spending a lot of time lately in Gotham City especially.  But that is NOT the inspiration to this post.  Last night this idea came to me and after pondering nature, history and pop culture I found Kryptonite to be the greatest example of what I want to write about.

It’s quite simple really, I want to type about Vulnerability.

This came to me last night, in a not so flattery night for my persona.  Lately I’ve found myself in one of the strongest psychological states that I have ever been in my life.  I am ready to tackle anything and everything that wants to throw itself at me.

I mean drama-wise I am in the clear, back to a mindset that allows me to reprise my role as counselor to my peers. Academically, well I am not trying to portray myself as arrogant when I say this, but I am literally an academic superman.  There is yet to be anything in this course to give me a problem when it comes to comprehension or understand.  I should very well be sailing free at this point… and yet I’m not.  In fact last night I got reduced to something quite minuscule.

If I truly am the academic superman, that would also mean that I have my weakness.  Superman is the personification of power and might, and yet a simple green stone can drop the man to the ground with agonizing pain.  I am no different, academically I have my kryptonite.  It is procrastination.

This is a concept that I believe around 80% of post-secondary students feel they are masters of, but… again at the risk of sounding conceited… you ain’t ever seen me at work.  I’ve literally left an entire semester of work to be done in the next three days  I’ve failed to complete a lot of the assignments that were due prior to now, making the upcoming projects crucial to my continued enrollment to the College of the North Atlantic.

Yes, you heard me right.  I am academically unscathed by any complicated ideal or messed up topic that can confuse even the most intelligent students, nothing is difficult for me… and yet my procrastination and laziness have put me in a sink or swim situation.   It’s really embarrassing to say.  Considering by now I should be top of my program.

Anyway, this is an entry about Vulnerability.  I’m writing it essentially because last night i was overwhelmed by anxiety for the first legit time in my life, at least first time due to academics.  I sat in the computer chair in the newsroom  thinking to myself that I have 14 hours remaining until a major presentation is due, and I just couldn’t bring myself around to starting.  I felt anxious, as if I was losing control of my own nerves.  Not only that, I sent numerous texts to various “friends” in my life, only to get no response from most, and busy-replies from the others.  I felt completely alone, and it felt like I was fighting a losing battle of self-control in my own my own body.

Luckily, eventually I got a response back from Johnny.  He and Jawsh then accompanied me to McDonald’s.  This statement should mean something to those of you close to me because I quit fast food, but last night I had to break down and go with the guys.  Later on after returning I was met with a Facebook-chat-slap-in-the-face from Jaymie White, and all of a sudden the gears were rolling and I commenced my project.

For those curious to how this story concludes.  I finished my presentation at 8, talked to Roger at 8:30 asking him if I can still do the presentation even though the previous assignment wasn’t passed in yet (originally he said that you NEED to pass in the first one before you’re allowed to present).  Roger showed mercy and allowed the presentation to go ahead and I feel comfortable with how it went.  For one nights work I couldn’t have asked for a better showing.

But Vulnerability, it is such a debilitating entity.  It doesn’t matter how strong you are, how smart you are… there is always something that you are vulnerable to.  As I said, academically I found out last night that I am not immune… I have a very difficult road ahead of me this coming week, and last night taught me that I am not psychologically immune to the pressure that is going to land on me.

Has it every happened to you?  Have you ever been so sure of something, only to find that your stable foundation is cracked and fragile?  It’s a very surreal feeling.  It was as if my body and mind were disconnected.  I could hear myself in my head question what is going on.  I could not figure out why my body was acting this way, why my heart was racing and panic was setting in.  If not for Johnny, Jawsh, and Jaymie, I am uncertain if I would’ve been able to grasp control last night… I owe you guys.

You… you there at the keyboard reading this blog.  I don’t care if you are a very meek person that is aware that you are not invincible, or if you look at this entry and roll your eyes thinking you could never let the pressure get to you.  This is my proclamation to you and everyone else that will stumble across this blog…

You ARE Vulnerable.. at least to something.  There is something that can and will crack that armor.  The sooner you realize that you are not impervious to harm, the more capable you will be able to deal when the time comes.

You can be a 300 lbs body builder and a black belt in 3 different kinds of martial arts… one day someone WILL beat you.  You can be the next Stephen Hawking (minus the wheelchair and voice-box) but eventually there will be something you WILL struggle with.

Everyone has their kryptonite.  Mine is my disorganization and procrastination.. Whats yours?

– Writer’s Block Part II – The Music Exercise –

Akon – Lonely

This entry may not have the creative flare that you might be used to seeing in my writing.  I’m still suffering from a pretty unrelenting case of writer’s block.  This is pretty much being forced out.  I’m doing an exercise actually.  You see I am not going to think about anything in general while I write.  I am just going to listen to a random song which you can listen to above.  While listening to this song over and over I am going to type what comes to mind.  Let’s see what I got.

Okay, Mr. Lonely by Akon.  Wow, Really?  Is that what I’m going to choose?  Okay that is pretty random.  But I mean I think it is working.  There are so many things that is running through my mind right now just considering the lyrics of this song and the atmosphere that the music is creating here in my room.

The obvious is Break Ups.  I mean clearly this is a song that doesn’t have a double meaning behind each word, he is hurt.  Just to listen to the music you would feel bad and sympathize with the poor guy because of all that anguish he is forced to endure.  But when you listen to the words you find out, “Uh Oh”  He is the reason it ended.  He broke up with her.  If you really pay attention to what he is saying is that he was with a girl who understood him better than anyone, and completely accepted him for who he is.  She was most likely incredibly beautiful and he truly believes that he will never do any better.

BUT… He still broke up with her.  There are so many people in this world, essentially I’m referring to the people who have gone through the wrong end of a break up in recent years.  The feeling of having someone who you care for so dearly, tell you that they don’t want to be with you anymore is a fate worse than most you can experience in this plain of existence.  However, that’s not the full story.  I mean, what about the story of the man who cares deeply for her, doesn’t want her hurt, but no longer wants a relationship… or what basically happened in my last relationship, you love them and never want to hurt them, BUT, the relationships had far to many problems to remedy.  The two of you may be great for each other emotion-wise, but the timing just isn’t right.

When you have to break up with someone who you care for, I truly believe it is worse than being rejected by someone else.  I mean sure, you are the one making the decision, and also I know there are people who can break up and not have a second thought.  If you can dump someone and have no remorse for the pain you inflicted upon them, then there are two scenarios at work here, it is either that you didn’t care about them.. or that you are just a heartless player that doesn’t care about them… Did you catch the common denominator there?

Akon is pouring his heart out now saying how lonely he is and how desperately he wishes he can make things right with the one that got away, the pain echoes through the airwaves and if you empathize in any way, shape, or form… you can feel it.

I guess all in all, even though I make fun of this song a long, it really does the trick.  He emanates exactly what he is looking to.  It does make me think.

Timbaland ft Katy Perry – If We Ever Meet Again

Okay, the second song of this exercise is Timbaland’s If We Ever Meet Again.  Once again, this is pretty random but oh well.  It does give me a spark though.  A thought about all of those What If’s.  I know I talked about them before but this is what is coming to mind when I hear this song.  Especially considering the song is about hooking up at a bar.

Think about the random incidents in your life where you met someone, or almost met someone.  Imagine how they would’ve played out if only you had the knowledge back then that you possess now. One clear example comes to mind.  Johnny Pardy and Myself were busking outside of the Corner Brook Plaza.  The mall entrance just down from Zellers, there was a girl who sat down next to me on the bench where I was playing.  I found this girl quite attractive but never really felt like I had an “In” to talk to her.  No way to spark a conversation.  She said and listened for like almost 10 songs, before the bus showed up.  She walked towards the bus, but after she was a few feet away she turned back towards us, reached into her pocket, and withdrew a toonie that she tossed into the guitar case.

I smiled and Johnny thanked her because I was still playing a song and singing.  She turned back towards the bus and I was thinking how stupid I was for letting her go, the least I could’ve did was spark a conversation.  Fate almost smiled on us because the bus started leaving without her, she ran a few feet to catch up with it.  By this time I was done of the song and called out to her, about to offer her a ride… when the bus hit the brakes and she got on.  Never seen her since.

Listening to this Timbaland song I wonder about instances like this.  What is that was the girl who could’ve been everything I was looking for.. and maybe I was everything she could want.  Or maybe she could’ve been a homicidal psychopath and catching that bus meant she never got the opportunity to hack me and Johnny up and bury our remains.

The part that causes me so much frustration is that we’ll never really know… and of course when I play situations like this back through my head I always fantasize about the best case scenario…(that IS what most people do)

I instruct everyone to never allow What If’s to deflate a mood or get you down.. but I’m human.  They creep in sometimes, for instance.. when I listen to “If We Ever Meet Again”

Alright guys, at this point I want to Thank anyone and everyone that has read this blog at some point.  As of my last entry I actually have over a thousand reads, which is a point I never though I would reach… hell I didn’t expect anyone to even notice the entries going up.  So Thanks.  Now that it seems that consistently there’s a group of people who is looking at each of these views I want to ask for some feedback.

I wrote this entry with no inspiration and almost no desire to write, just for the same of trying to vanquish my enemy… the Deadly Writer’s Block.  I want to know what you thought of it.  Comment here preferably, or even just comment on Facebook.  I’m really curious.

– Writer’s Block –

It is 12:17pm, I am sitting in the newsroom – Room 316 at the DSB Fowlow building of College of the North Atlantic.  I am playing some songs on Grooveshark while I start this entry for the third time.  They have taken a different form each time.

The first entry I tried to write was growing up.  It was an inspiration that came to me last night while at Clancy’s.  That pub used to be my home away from home, and last night it felt so foreign to me, like I was no longer welcome there.  The best way to describe the feeling is imagine if your parents sold the house you grew up in and there were new residents living there.  You go to visit the house.  Everything basically looks the same with a few minor changes, but there’s just no more feeling of comfort there.  It’s not your home anymore.  That’s my feeling last night and that I have been getting for the last couple of outings to the pub.  I tried writing an entry about how things change and no matter how much you cling to them, you can’t stop it. 

There is a problem, beyond that little blurb I just wrote about the entry I ended up being completely brain-dead and was not able to keep writing.  I ran into writers block.  So I trashed it… hopefully one day to return to the topic and get an entry up later.

Entry attempt number 2, was going to be called “Never Enough”.  It was inspired by an entry I saw in the Ice Like Diamonds blog.  I haven’t checked it lately, and the frequent updates on her Facebook about how great her boyfriend is was starting to get to me so I have her hidden on my news feed now so I don’t automatically see it when she makes an entry.  However, I did spot an entry about how her current beau is everything she could imagine, and I started falling back into my thought process about relationships.  I realized that it seems like no one is ever enough for me.  I was writing an entry about how society actually favors the mentality of  “you’re too young to be tied down”.  How the world we live in actually encourages young people to be promiscuous… it started with an explanation of how I always believed myself immune to that thought process, but how wrong it seems I have been. 

I think that mentally my subconscious adopted that way of thinking, it just didn’t bother telling to the rest of my mind.  It’s like my waking mind wanted nothing else but to settle down with someone and be happy, but the background thought process wouldn’t allow that.

Alas, I couldn’t finish the entry.  Writer’s block struck again.

There are techniques that one can implement to help getting past writers block, but the one I find the most effective is simply, just to write.  So Albeit neither of those entries will be written today, it is important that this one is completed.  Hopefully this forced-out piece of literature is enough to unclog the mental gears and allow me to return to some kind of creative flow. 

We shall see.

– Call Me When You’re Single –

It’s an interesting concept, and yet a tactic that is rudimentary in the pursuit of the opposite sex.  There are many ways to describe it, and many names applied to the tactic.  I usually refer to it as the “Foot In The Door” strategy. It is a tactic that has been quite successful in the past for a great deal of people if used correctly. 

Okay, as always with this type of entry I have to begin with the muse that got me on this topic.  Well the title is actually something that I said to a friend of mine recently, it was mostly just a joke, but as soon as the words escaped my lips I thought that this would be the perfect title of an entry about this technique that I’ve stumbled upon in my worldly travels.  The reason for the entry, well… let’s just say that I’ve seen my fair share of assholes use this method to their benefit and end up doing a lot of damage in the process.  To use this strategy to be with someone requires a lot of patience, time, and understanding.  Usually the person is someone very vulnerable… so if you are some degenerate prick that is swooping in with the hopes of getting laid, there can be irreparable damage done.  So consider this a public service announcement to be careful who you trust.

Now, I guess before I venture forth one must pose the question of, “If this is a tactic for landing a catch that you’re looking for, then if you put it here won’t it eliminate its effectiveness?”  The short answer to that is, “Of Course.”  But I’m at a point right now that I really don’t care either which way about it.  I’ve implemented it successfully in the past, and I have also been burned on it as well.  I’m tired of the game, and I’m tired of the pursuit.  I’ve got a lot of other issues in my world that I need to concern myself with, and companionship is rapidly falling off the priority totem pole. 

So, here’s the “foot in the door” strategy exposed.  A lot of you are aware of it already, and others.. well, this will be an eye-opener that there could very well be a “good friend” in your life that is attempting this plan of attack.

Now, I’m obviously a straight, male so I’m going to speak from that perspective but I happen to know females that have done this as well so it is not a gender specific plan, if anything it is more effective for women than men because of our natural tendency to be less attached in relationships.  So no matter who you are, have a seat and listen up.

You got your eye on this girl.  She’s smart, funny, beautiful, and every other positive adjective that can be found in Websters.  She’s the most incredible vision to enter your sight, and the most understanding and compatible girl who has ever existed outside of your wildest fantasies, she even drops subtle hints of admiration and interest in you.  What better life could you ask for right?  Well, there is a downfall.  She has a boyfriend… or  she just got out of a terrible relationship… or she just went through a very traumatic ordeal and is emotionally very unstable and untrusting… there’s a whole lot of things that can make someone unavailable to you, it doesn’t matter how compatible you are. 

Enter the “Call Me When You’re Single” strategy.

The basic premise of this idea is that you befriend her, you show her that you are trustworthy, you get close.  This sounds simple enough to anyone with an ounce of empathy and half a brain, however there is finesse required to achieve that goal you want.  Because the guy that befriends the girl he likes, and gets close to her, runs the risk of being permanently lumped in the “Friend Zone” (Which I still find hilarious that there are so many women that still do NOT understand how painful it is for a guy to be stuck in this Zone when he doesn’t want to be… I’m thinking I need another entry to try to explain it)

There are subtle things that the guy needs to do in order for the girl to continue to consider him when she thinks about the men in her life, and NOT when she thinks about the dearest friends to her… not that someone can’t be both.  But the issue with the Friend Zone is that the girl no longer views the guys as a viable method to satisfy the needs she has in a man, whether that be sexual or just social.

The guy must never forget to keep reminding her subconscious that he is a man, and that he is interested in her in such a way that it goes beyond the boundaries of a friendship.  For me this part is really natural because I tend to have a flirtatious personality at the core anyway, so people tend to be used to me giving them compliments and semi-flirting.  This does however play to my detriment as well, because it is such a core trait that people have come to know about me, that sometimes when girls play back at me it is hard to decipher if they are just going along with the joke or are they legitimately flirting back.  This is due to the fact that it is difficult for anyone to tell when I’m seriously interested or just friendly…  (I’ve basically been accused of “wanting to get with” just about every female in my life by someone at some point.)

Sometimes you get lucky enough to have a history with the person, maybe you have already had a little fun with her… generally this gives you a much more solid foundation for separating yourself from the Friend Zone… Especially if she enjoyed it 😉

Anyway,  I’m here to educate anyone reading this to something they may not be aware of, and they probably should be.  The reason the term “Foot In The Door Method” is so applicable is because it accurately describes to perfection what you must do. 

The door is basically closed, you tried to open it to find resistance.  So, you place your foot in the door… it can’t close this way.  So you just linger around with the door wedged open, but you don’t try to hard to push it open.  If you do you’ll be met with just more resistance.  No, you keep your foot in that door and slowly inch it open, until eventually it is the person on the other side that will open it for you, and give you the opportunity you have so patiently been waiting for. 

Currently, I am NOT utilizing this strategy for anyone.  Although I’m sure there are at least two people who will read this entry and believe otherwise.  Like I mentioned already, I am growing very weary of the games that we must play.  I have far more important things in my life to deal with.  I thought I was completely certain of who I was, but lately I’ve discovered that I was wrong, I am completely lost in an endless sea of uncertainty, and I have no idea who the real me is… now THAT is a problem that needs to be focused on. 

In closing… just be careful.  My main purpose for this entry is to make sure that the idiots and pricks that try this out don’t see any success.  The problem with this strategy is that it is so easily camouflaged, not only that but it allows you to have multiple targets.  You can have your foot in the door of a lot of different people, and it is not even morally wrong because you are not directly committed to anyone of them…  problem with this is when the guy gets greedy, and after he gets one.. he STILL has his foot in the door for others…  So if you’re reading this and you have a very best friend of the opposite gender that you’re not quite sure about… chances are this is what he’s doing.

– On with the New –

It’s a strange time of year for a new season to start, but that is definitely what occurred last night.  Last night there was a complete collapse of everything that has been hovering above me.  It all came crashing down over me, leaving me with a clear vision of what I have going for me, and what I will never have in my life anymore.  I know where I stand in life, and more importantly where I want to stand.  These past few weeks I have been on a slow recovery to the person that I once was, but I believe last night was a sign that I have basically reached my destination.

This entry is more centralized on a certain concept though.  One of friendship.  What exactly defines a friend?  I was under the impression that I didn’t have any, but then I got to thinking, what exactly are the duties of a friend?  If I received a call from anyone, at anytime, unless there was a major reason preventing me, I would be there.  I would do everything in my power to get to them and help, especially if they were asking.

I’ve realized that I can’t expect the same kind of mentality from the people I surround myself with now.  I need to understand that the average person will be there for friends within reason, which really isn’t something I can fault anyone for, nor am I.

Everybody’s gotta learn sometime right?

I guess the real moral of this entry is simple.  If you go through life measuring everyone and making yourself the standard for scrutiny, then you will find yourself greatly disappointed more often than not.  I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, I just handle things differently.

I take my friendships seriously, especially when they are close ones.  One time I had a friend in port aux port that I was worried about, it was like 1am.  So I left a note for mom and dad, took the keys to their CRV and drove to port aux port to make sure she was okay…

In St. John’s I was playing poker and had about 500 dollars on the table in front of me, and my girlfriend called me upset.  I couldn’t calm her down over the phone so I got up from the table and left to take care of her, leaving the money there because I couldn’t wait another 20 minutes for the deal to come back around to me so I could cash out.

I’m realizing that if I base everyone else on decisions like these, I will find myself disappointed most of the time.

This is a strange realization to come to, considering I pride myself in knowing my friends better than anyone, and most of them will agree that I do.  Knowing and Judging are done with two different parts of the mind I guess, but it stops now.  I’m not going to judge anyone anymore… as I said on Facebook, everyone is getting a clean slate.. (well almost everyone)

Last night was rough… there’s only been 2 other nights like that in recent memory… each time an epiphany followed.  This is no different, albeit nothing new is in my mind but it is the kick I needed.  In one of my recent entries I said that I found the motivation I needed, well right now I have the initiative.  There’s going to be a lot of changes going in the in immediate future for me. My apologies in advance to anyone that was once important to me that is going to be left behind.  I’m predicting that only my close friendships are going to survive this one, this is a time to start evaluating the people in my life…. and the people who I think shouldn’t be.

Anyway, take what you will from this.  This entry has no purpose other than to get these thoughts out of my head and put them in a different medium.. and maybe this is going to be helpful for a couple of you to understand what’s going on in my head.  I’ve burn some bridges, but the peace that is starting to seep into my pours right now overshadows any regret that may exist.

There’s going to be a brand new me that is going to be noticed around this town very shortly.

So in a sense.. this is a goodbye entry.  The me that you all know right now, as you know him, is dying.
Anyway, enough ranting.  I need to get out of this town, I’m going home.


– The Most Important Thing I’ve Never Said –

We all know this feeling.  There is something that you want to say, someone you want to talk to, some skeleton you want to release from the closet, but can’t.  You don’t say something so loud that you can hear your own voice in your head screaming in it out.  Eventually, it begins to spill.

It’s like the water that boils in a pot.  First, everything is fine there’s a little bit of heat but nothing that can’t be dealt with.  Followed by the steam arising from the pot letting everyone know that the heat is becoming an issue, so you get your first hint that there is something there… so it gets covered so that those signs are hidden.  The cover works only for so long, before the water and steam begin to rattle the pot and eventually boil over.

In life, the human body can sometimes work as that pot.  First there is something that is incredibly important that needs to be said but due to some circumstance, the brain tells the body that it would not be advised.  This is the equivalent of putting the cover on the pot.

However, that only works for so long, eventually the contents begins to boil over, biologically this can be just the nervous system collapsing and you give in to the stress of bottling it up, or even alcohol induced where you begin to spill what is in side.

I’m sure this is an emotion that everyone can relate with, even those of you reading this that boast, “I always speak my mind, that’s why some people don’t like me.”  If you are human, you kept something inside that you wanted to expressed.  Whether you did so because you were afraid of embarrassment, or afraid of rejection…  or even because you felt that it would wrong to say because it would only result in other people getting hurt.  There’s many different justifications, but the emotion remains the same.

Keeping something inside, especially something that you would shout from the rooftops (if there would be no consequences.) It’s exhausting.  Especially when you spend a major portion of your life in the practice of it.  It’s something that never gets easy, and never gets comfortable.  As you get older, it also takes its toll.

Usually, the opening to my entries tells some sort of anecdote, or explains the spark that started the entry, but alas I will not do so here.  The reason for that is pretty simple, It’s clear that I’m talking about something that I have to say, but at the same time I can’t say it.  I know the consequences, and even though it would be a huge burden off my shoulders to just say it… the repercussions of what I have to say far overshadows the internal struggle I have to keep these thoughts to myself.

This entry is NOT about the specific thoughts that I wish I could vent, it is about the ideal behind having to bottle them inside in the first place.  The struggle, the enduring hollow feeling you get as if there actually is a black hole inside that is devouring my personality.  I keep this inside, at the risk of losing all that I am.

However, there is an upside.  This emptiness that is beginning to take control of my thinking, has given me a focus unlike any I have ever felt before.  In the wake of all that I have said, and to that one booming voice that keeps yelling what I have yet to say…. I feel like I am finally at a place that I can achieve what I set out.

This is my proclamation.  I am finished with Drinking alcohol.  I’m going to start by saying I am going to take a 12 month reprieve from consuming alcohol.  There is one exception, I will drink when a certain friend comes to visit because I told her I would and gave her my word.  Beyond that, I am going to stop wasting money on that.

There are other goals, but there is a different blog that I’m going to post that on.  Once I start making progress with it, I’ll link it here so you guys can see it too.