For those of you that do not follow football, and are not en route to a pub to prime for the big game, I have this to say this morning. There are far too many males in particular but this applies to the female population as well, that does not understand the simple idea of, “No.”
There are two examples that I can think of right now who apply to this critique and unfortunately it is guys like them that ruin things for the rest of us. When a girl tells you that she isn’t interested, or that you creep her out, or you’re being a dick… that is not a sign that she’s playing hard to get, it is her desperate plea for you to move on to your next obsession.
The reason I decided to rant about this so early in the morning is because I think that I’m actually drifting away from someone close due to this mindset. I know of at least one guy that recently wouldn’t take no for an answer and became pretty annoying. This is a girl that I did develop a connection with…. but I’m pretty sure she thinks that I’m the same way. There was one night when I did inform her that a big regret I had in recent months was not giving a chance to see where we could go because I’m pretty sure she was ready for something like that a while ago but alas I was not… now the roles are reversed, she just finished with something that ended fairly bitterly and she isn’t ready.
I want to just say, “I’m not like that previous gentleman that wouldn’t let up, I am well aware that nothing is going to happen and it really is of little consequence to me.” The worst part is that we were actually pretty good friends, but ever since a drunken mis-step on my part, things feel awkward and the conversations seemed forced… the vibe I get from her is kind of like someone who is trying to be polite by just responding to someone else instead of just telling them to “eff off.”
So this is a public service announcement for anyone that fits this description. Constant pressure and cheesy compliments are not the way to a girl’s heart, especially if she’s already told you to back off. There is a HUGE difference between someone who isn’t interested and someone playing hard to get. Just because she said no, does NOT necessarily mean she wants you to pursue her (although I do know women that actually do that.)
When you have these guys that can’t accept rejection, who assure the girl “Oh it’s okay, we can hang as friends.” … and then they try to make a move again even after its been long-established that she doesn’t want it.. you give a terrible and long-lasting impression of the gender as a whole. If I was to ask someone out, and they said no and there wasn’t a hint of any kind of feel at all, I move on from that idea but most likely if I was interested in the first place you’re pretty cool so I’m still going to try to be friends with you… alas I don’t think in this case it’ll work, I think the damage has been done and our friendship is not going to be the same anymore. I’ve been lumped into a category of the ever-persistent idiots, and there is nothing that can really be done about it.
To the unrelenting guys, just let it go.. really. You’re giving us all a bad name. And girls? If a guy asks you out, and you say no, that does not mean he’s going to go nuts and keep trying to get with you. If he legitimately feels like you have no interest, he just might be mature enough to still respectful of that…
Why does it matter? This is a question that sparked my interest today while having a discussion with a friend of mine. Is a normal family really a requirement to find a suitable partner? So often have I heard of a great couple that are perfectly compatible with each other but friction with the family brought about an unsettled end to the romance. The question I pose is Why??
Before I begin I leave my usual disclaimer. I say “Girl” in this entry because obviously I’m a male and that’s who I would be courting. However, this does work both ways, it isn’t gender specific. And As always this is completely opinionated.
If you were to meet the girl of your dreams, she was everything you could ask for in a girlfriend and a little bit more. Would the fact that she has an unorthodox or crazy family really prevent you from being happy with her? I guess there are lots of things to really look at here on this topic eh?
First I must say that I do understand that when it comes to family, first and foremost you will have it in the back of your mind that in order to be with this girl you are going to have to be at least in a small way, a part of her family as well. Seeing them at social functions and family traditions. So in a sense the family is something you will have to endure, so therefore you need to weigh whether or not the agony of dealing with them is greater or less than the joy you feel from being with her. Then I guess you also need to consider where the relationship is going, especially if she is a girl that you really feel strong for. If you have even the smallest inclination of marriage, then that family will now become your in-laws and thus the likelihood grows that you will be seeing them more often.
I’m still not sold on the idea that someone becomes no longer a viable candidate for courtship just because you have issues with her family. It’s still not decidable yet, because it isn’t the family that you are going to be in love with, it’s the girl. I still don’t think that family issues should trump romantic interest…
…that being said. I just got a flashback of my time in St. John’s and I have discovered something that I didn’t think about thus far. Family issues plagued me back then. Looking back I’m pretty confident in saying that I’m sure that the first (and most frequent) fights that would take place between myself and my girlfriend was concerning her family. I had the strongest feeling that for some reason they didn’t like me and tried to not be around them too much, in turn I think they actually didn’t like me because I refused to be around very much.
The real kicker is that I really didn’t have any problem with her family, I was just intimidated. This was back in a day when I was still coming out of my shell, in the infancy of the ShallopNewf you all know. The loud, outspoken, I’ll even go as far as to say charismatic creature that you all know today. The relationship in St. John’s broke me free of my timidness in most aspects of my life, and yet for some reason her family still fell into the “I’m Scared to talk to you” category.
Thinking back, the friction started there and just continued to get worse until the relationship was over. Of course it would be foolish to say that we didn’t work because of the inability I had to get along with her family, but it certainly didn’t help.
In light of this maybe family is more important than I was giving it credit for. What does this mean though? That you can’t be with someone if the relations with the family is shaky. No, I refuse to believe that. I think that the problem can be easily smoothed over by just paying lip service and biting your tongue. There still remains a problem with that plan though, biting your tongue can only last for so long before the mountain of opinion overwhelms and comes out.
Here’s an interesting point though. If you have issues with her family then the best thing you can possible do would be to bite your tongue but still vent later. Now, if this girl is everything that you’ve built her up to be, she should be able to handle your criticism about the family and help you with it. Now, if you are to vent to this girl and she is to be offended that you don’t get along with her family and you get the response of “but you’re not giving them a chance” or “why can’t you just get along with them… for me??” How is that helping. There is even the possibility of her being anger or offended. If this was to happen, you should ask yourself, “Is this really the girl for me?” and if she isn’t then what was the problem.. was the problem simply that you didn’t get along with her family, or was it that you two just weren’t compatible?
I am of the opinion that you do need to give the potential future in-laws the benefit of a doubt, you can’t walk in with your guard up because, as human beings, they will sense that. It’s easy to tell when someone is being defensive. So, walk in with an open mind, disregard any “warnings” given to you by your significant other and just be yourself. If they don’t like it, then you have to figure out how you want to proceed from there, if they do then no problem.
Whether you decide to bite you tongue, and vent to your girl… or even go down to the tavern and vent to your buddies (which can be a very volatile method if she finds out). Or if you just confront them right then and there. It’s been clear the more I type and the more I consider all of the variables that family relations is indeed important, and how you deal with them can sometimes be crucial to the harmony of a strong relationship.
There is one other situation I want to touch on. Let’s say you’re involved with a girl who comes from a not-so-ideal family background. This isn’t a case where you are going to have to go to Christmas dinner with them, or family reunions, because she has somewhat distanced herself from them because of a really shady past. This is a factor that one needs to look at when analyzing the family impact on dating, mainly because I know lots of people who would be spooked by this, and truthfully I do not understand why.
An estranged relationship with the family is indeed unorthodox, but hardly something difficult to deal with. Family members causing trouble in her life will require you to step up and be there for her at times, but other than that why should it matter how insane her family is, ESPECIALLY if they are not in the same timezone.
I think when it comes to relationships, everybody spooks way too easily. Everyone is looking for that perfect, harmonious relationship without any issues. I’m sorry you are not going to find it. You are only going to find those with sketchy histories, cracks in their persona due to trauma, the commitment phobic, the completely introverted, and other imperfect characters. Thing is, in my opinion, it is this issues and these quote unquote “flaws” that define a good relationship.
It is the similarities that provide the romantic foundation, but it is the differences that build the walls and structure and it is how their flaws mesh together with your flaws that furnish the interior. This is how a relationship is born.
Family or no Family, you need to find the person that is right for you. Once you do, nothing else matters.
So final conclusion: It would be naive to eliminate the family factor as a contributor to a healthy relationship, but it would be foolish to throw away the relationship strictly based on it.
Often it happens, we find ourself swamped and engulfed in all of life’s trivialities. Destructive thoughts begin to flutter in the inner most recesses of your brain, and all of a sudden you begin to slip. You lose control of your own life. Everyone has that one friend that they can turn to and spill their guts in times of confusion. That pillar of wisdom that seems to always be able to guide you in the right path to sanity. It makes me pose the question though, where do those people turn to?
I do believe I may have already written on this topic but another trip to this discussion is warranted, it is the dominant thought in my mind right now. The safe haven and the trusted faces have faded, and blended into obscurity. I don’t have the welcoming feeling anymore in places where I should be at home. I do not feel as though the people I have surrounded myself with recently are going to the be the type that is going to be any use finding clarity in my confusion.
Anyway, this is not the point of this entry. This is the December 3rd entry, and yes it has been posted before midnight. I did NOT miss my deadline yet. Of course leaving an entry just to boast that I made deadline would be a cop-out. So I’m going to write about something that came to me last night.
Last night, despite my better judgement I accompanied a friend to The Bar because this friend did not want to go alone. So I went, and among a few experiences that I’m sure will come up in a future entry at some point, I ran into a girl I knew. There were three of them there, and one of them was getting pretty close with this guy. Of course, the girl was incredibly drunk, and this guy was someone who was known to be shall-we-say not motivated by ethics or morals.
Sound The Alarms!!!
It was interesting to see this in action, it was very enlightening. Within moments I bore witness to the Mother Hen syndrome taking complete control of the other two girls. They instantly went into protection mode, the poor guy never stood a chance. Each time he was going to the dance floor and drag his little target away, one of the other two would immediately pull her back. The funny part about this is that the targeted girl just kept dancing throughout the whole thing… the alcohol had her almost completely oblivious to what was going on.
Wait a minute.. you DO know the Mother Hen right?
Well I don’t want anyone to have to admit that they never heard of it so I’ll just explain it nonetheless. The Mother Hen tactic is most commonly viewed when a guy tries to get in the middle of and interrupt a girls night out. Sorry pal, they just want to dance. It is very difficult because the other girls flock around their chick and made sure you end up being a failure.
As a guy I know I should detest the Mother Hen tactic, however seeing what I saw last night I was actually impressed by it and I was actually cheering them on. They did it amazingly. The end of the night involved some choice words and a proposition of “taking it outside.” Not that he was anything to fear, I just don’t really have the energy to waste on drunken idiots. Anyway, it was really quite a sight to see. Of course I found myself somewhat in protector mode, just sitting back and observing to make sure they didn’t get in under the heads and he didn’t do anything too stupid.
Thing is, I can’t understand why some people think they can get past this kind of defense. This guy must have come up like 9 times over 3 songs trying to dance with her only to be turned away by the group. He should have realized that there was no way in hell the girlfriends were going to let their friend go home with him. Why persist? Do you think drunk girl is going to stick up for you and leave them? Dude, really she is drunk enough to be dancing with a creep like you, there’s no way she’s going to be giving her girls any confrontation. By the time this night is over she’s going to want the bed… alone.
This tactic has been the almighty cock-block for as long as men have been trying to have sex with women. It’s truly a terribly enemy if you are opposing it, but when you on the outside just watching it actually is like watching the nature channel, seeing how insects operate with one another. It was educational.
Here’s some advice… if you reach double digits when counting how often you approach a girl only to be turned away by her friends, then she is NOT going to take you over them. If you really like her, try here again when she’s sober… if you just want to get laid, look around that is not very difficult to find.
Anyway, this is short-ish, and not overly insightful. It is more about the hilarity the ensued last night. Even though the humor only really works if you were there… Okay, so I forced out this entry in order to meet my mandate of at least one entry per day for the month of December. I’ve got some ideas floating around this head of mine, I’m sure tomorrow will be a better read.
– If you guys have any idea for something I could write about, anything at all, don’t hesitate to comment or send me a message.