March 20, 2011. Tonight was the first time in a long time I’ve done a Saturday open mic. It was a pretty dead Saturday, but honestly I found more joy tonight than in the last few months of playing. It was back to basics, how everything started. There was not a big crowd, but the few in attendance were having a good time and it was just like we were all just hanging out at a buddy’s place.
It’s a little odd that I could get so much thinking done in that atmosphere, but I did. Normally my epiphanies and revelations all come in a brooding moment of loneliness that offer no companionship other than my own thoughts.
Especially near the end I started thinking. Dilpe and Megan were singing Closing Time, and the ending really spoke to me honestly, the constant repetition of the line, “I know who I want to take me home” specifically.
I DO know who I want to take me home, unfortunately it is someone who cannot. In fact it was someone who was in attendance tonight for a few moments before being torn away by the very reason why it is an impossibility.
I start thinking to myself about how long am I going to dwell on past regrets? I boast an attitude of no regrets, but I keep thinking about things I could have done differently.
I was sitting at the bar having a light discussion about all of this with a colleague of mine who is going to remain nameless, but his input did strike a core with me for some reason. I explained how my past regret became what it was… what went down, why it happened the way it did.
The question of emotion came up, and whether the emotions were still there. In fact, I was asked that by the bartender, but the answer is the same answer I have always given to that question. Emotion was never the problem, it was everything else.
My colleague than said essentially that he agreed with my decision to a point, but honestly if that connection was there, maybe it isn’t a good idea to ignore it and throw it away.
What am I supposed to do? I feel that I am doing what’s right for the other party, any action driven by my impulse will be selfish and to satisfy my own need for that particular part of my life.
I’m still a bit confused… enough to keep me awake at 3am when I agreed to wake up and attend the telethon tomorrow at 10am.
There is a lot of thinking left for me to do before I will consider myself completely focused on the tasks at hand, and maybe that’s the issue. Maybe that is why i am in the academic position that I am? I need focus.
These issues must be resolved…
Although maybe it is the fact that, I was removed from a website that I worked on for no reason other than outlived-usefulness, one of my closest friends have removed me from their life, another friend has proved to be untrustworthy, and one of the members of our group for our assignment that we worked on for the last 48 hours spent most of the day drinking… I really could keep going, but I’m going to stop here.
yeah, there’s a lot to sort out I guess eh?
It really goes back to, “I know who I want to take me home.”.. I’m pretty sure with the help of that individual, I would have no problem conquering these obstacles. Oh well, I am just gonna have to try to rise above on my own.
Last semester I said, it’ll be a miracle if I make it to this term… I did it.
In January I all but said my goodbyes, that I was expelled… I survived it.
One month left… it’ll almost be enough to prove to me there is indeed a God, If I can pull out this and graduate. we’ll see where it goes? Time for sleep, and more work in the AM.
BTW: Thanks for still actually checking out this site. This post will reach the 3,000 view of “The World is Broken”
Ladies and Gentlemen this is it, my 100th post! Thank you for reading and actually being interested in the ramblings of this random Journalism student. I wanted to do something special and do something great, but really there is something that I want to write about because I have a new hero in my life. Mr Tony Clement. Here is why
For those of you that are not Canadian, or just don’t follow politics. Tony Clement is the federal Minister of Industry, and he came in swinging earlier today to save a lot of internet users from gross charges brought about by the CRTC. Thank you Mr. Clement.
The CRTC decided to approve usage-based internet service to wholesalers that was being requested by Bell Canada. This would mean that users like myself that is privy to a lot of downloading would be face with an internet bill in the hundreds every month.
Netflix customers would definitely be hit hard by this new policy, anyone that essentially uses the internet for anything other than just casual browsing. This is something that could’ve been implemented back when 28.8kbps modems were all the rage but in today’s society when even the average user is comfortable watching movies and downloading music from the internet.
I mean, if you watch a couple of Netflix HD movies here, and download an album there you are already at your cap and every time you check your e-mail you are progressive being charged more for your service. Mr. Clement you are a godsend to your constituents and although I have traditionally tried to stay on the fence when it comes to politics I am in your debt sir.
Before leaving St. John’s Rogers was implementing their usage-based billing system. I was sent a preview one month with my bill showing me how much I would’ve been charged under the new system. All of a sudden my $60 bill, would have costed me between $700-$800. I do a LOT on the internet, I’m sorry. I’m just one person, people with small businesses running out of their homes could have an even higher usage charge then that.
Bandwidth limit is not a viable way to charge consumers for this kind of service, it isn’t even close to being justifiable. The money that ISP’s are making with their current rates are enough to make them wealthy beyond most industries in the country.
So, in short I want to say, Thank you again Mr. Clement. You are a saint and scholar sir!
Since this is the 100th post and it should be something special, I’m going to use the end of it here to let you all know that the roommates and I will be putting off a show at Clancy’s Pub on the 3rd of March.
I’ve spent a lot of the last 6 months thinking about Kelly, and missing her immensely to the point where it started driving me insane. It’s been going on 9 years and she’s still on my mind. So the revelation I had about a month or so ago was that I am going to finally lay her memory to rest and try to move on with my life, so I’m going to play a show. It’s going to be dedicated to her, and will be right before the kick off to CNA’s mid-term break.
This is going to be my first, and quite possible, last show that I ever really play in public. I feel like I lost the passion I had for performing, music is still there but performing is not so much. I think I’ll need some kitchen parties to recapture it.. oh well in the meantime like I said, I hope I can see you guys out.
Another reason I’m putting it here is because I’m asking for some help. Song ideas are welcome, we’re trying to finish off a set list for the show. But also, we need a name. The “band” consists of Me, Jawsh Nickerson and Johnny Pardy.. so feel free to share any ideas.
As I said yesterday it would be impossible to completely sum up such a long period of time in my life into a single entry, even breaking into a couple of entries will not do it proper justice. I know that there will be some aspect of the year that I will end up leaving out, and if you are reading this and think there should have been something about you then I offer my sincerest apologies but for now I will go with what I can remember.
Disclaimer: Just because you were not mentioned in this entry does NOT mean that we are not friends or you are not important. This is merely an observation of the changes in my life over 2010. Eden, Carrie, Elaine, Chrystal, Kim, Bonus, Paul, James, Misty, Kelli, etc etc. I’m not naming every important person to me here. But Hopefully you get the idea.
I think one of the most surprising turn of events that happened in 2010 would not necessary involve a person, but a place. Clancy’s Pub
Going into this year Clancy’s was my home away from home. Before I lived in Stephenville I am pretty certain that I spent just as much time at Clancy’s hanging out than I did in my home in St. George’s. It was comfortable there and I felt like a member of the family. Unfortunately, my regular routine of doing open mic was starting to weigh on my sanity. I was learning new songs (or at least printing off new songs because no one can learn that many new songs in such a short period of time) but the problem is they were all getting overplayed because of how often I played. I was getting tired of it all, and the customers were no longer even registering that I was playing anymore. There are obvious exceptions, but for the most part I was stale. Anytime word got out about someone else hosting I felt like there was a better crowd and better critique from the regulars. So I quit. Before the summer started I needed to find real work so I quit doing the open mics. Of course since then I’ve done a couple when they needed someone and to this day I attest that I still will step in if they were in a spot… but for the most part I’m not considered anymore in those decisions. My old role has been assumed by Kim Nippard.
This is all fine and good, but the problem is that now that the mentality has shifted to me being a patron, I’m just another face in the bar. I don’t feel overly close to any of the bartenders anymore. Sure they are still pleasant and talk when there are not busy, but it isn’t the same. Clancy’s just doesn’t feel like home anymore. This is by far the biggest surprise when I look at the year as a whole.
Now it’s time for the people who I think were noteworthy in 2010. I’m going to clearly have to start this off with the Golden Age of course. Jeff Vineham & Evan Willoughby
I’m going to admit here, this combination took my by surprise. I knew Jeff from mutual friends at CNA and we somewhat “bonded” I guess over poker in Corner Brook. One random night I am going out to Corner Brook to hang out and Evan Willoughby (Who I was working with over the summer) gets invited to come along… for the next month and half or so the three of us begin what Evan dubbed, “The Golden Age.” Me and Jeff kind’ve just went with it. But it’s true, Epic weekend, after Epic Weekend. Misadventures in Corner Brook, trying to educate Evan on the behavior of women, and lots of alcohol being drank. Jeff did state many times over that it was the best summer he has had, and I am inclined to agree it was pretty amazing. The post-golden age friendships were tested though. I’d still be okay with considering Evan a good friend but he has since left Stephenville and we hardly talk. Jeff ended up finally getting the girl he wanted and him and Carrie have been together ever since, some drama between then and now threw a monkey wrench in our friendship that only now seems to be slipping away… Jeff was in contention for being my best friend during that summer, and even now I still wouldn’t say he’s far from it. New friends are always a plus when reviewing a year eh?
Stacey Green, Kelsey Sibley, Nicole Delaney. These are the three women that I have been linked to since the break up with Candace. Also where I got the milf-tamer reputation since at the time of the “relations” they were all single mom’s. It’s funny to look at this now because they are all in relationships now, well Nicole is practically.
Nicole’s note worthiness in 2010 comes from the fact that it prides me to see that she has gotten control of her life and seems to be on the right track. She is “getting to know” a great guy (as far as I am told about him), and she’s back in school. This is a far cry from her life in 2009 when she was working in the Call Center until she gave birth to her son, Jude. Going out with Jude’s father who was, (in the spirit of the holiday season I will not be as negative as I would like to) far from Mr. Dad. Nicole’s turn around is something to note in my review of this year because of the pride I have in what she’s accomplished.
Kelsey is a bit of a different case, worth mentioning in this entry because it was only this year where I met her. Randomly going to see a movie with her in Corner Brook blossomed into a very unorthodox friendship, but a close friendship none the less. To be completely blunt on this topic, I don’t feel that we’re very close anymore, partially my own fault because of drunken conversations, but if nothing else I received an education in my friendship with her. Basically I know that it is important to know what you want and what you have to do to get there. The things that hinder her progress seem so trivial to me, irrational mentalities…
but in reflection I look at myself and see the same. People observing my own detrimental behavior could say the same. So in essence it was through the friendship with Kelsey that I learned that you gotta overcome any mental or social barriers holding you back.
Then, that leaves Stacey. I’m sure I could write an entire entry about her in and of itself so it’s going to be difficult to sum everything up. Meeting outside Clancy’s by her essentially bitching about me not inviting her camping when I invited Eden. That should have been my first clue that she was going to be a bit different. Anyway, over the first half of the summer and extending well into the post-golden age era Stacey actually surprised me.. as I did with her. I’m usually a very observant guy and most of the time I can tell someone what they are feeling or explain why it is they do what they do when they don’t even realize it themselves. I do not know if Stacey will admit to this but I’m pretty sure I’ve displayed this observation skill to her a couple of times throughout our friendship, knowing her a lot better than she thought possible for someone she met a month prior. However, she still intriguing in that she still can surprise me. That isn’t an easy feat.
I’ve made no secret about this, but yeah Me and her starting getting closer, but it ended up going nowhere. I really wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship at the time and she had already had the foundation set for what is now her current relationship. If I had come around a month earlier, and if I wasn’t going through a break up at the time who knows. All I know is that 2010 brought me friendship with the female I needed in my life. She is the female equivalent of myself when it comes to advice and dealing with dramatic bullshit. The same counsel I would offer someone, is the counsel she offered me during a few times. Stacey & Jeff remain the top two new people in my life this year.
Living In Stephenville – Johnny Pardy & Jawsh Nickerson
Finally getting out of St. George’s and having my own place in Stephenville. This has made an incredible amount of difference in my life. Instead of a gas tank lasting a week, I can stretch 20 dollars of gas over two weeks… a full take
might last me a month. Living with Johnny was something we had planned for quite some time anyway. But Jawsh is the surprise. Eden was our intended third room-mate but she backed out to go to Residence with Mandy, so we picked up Mr. Nickerson. This is something that I believed worked out impeccably. Disclaimer.. Jawsh…. Is… Gay.. okay, now that’s out-of-the-way. The living situation is great, we have some issues of cleaning and money management but all in all they are without question the best two room mates one could ask for. Considering I didn’t really know Jawsh all that well at first had the potential to be a terrible thing but no.. the guy is epic. The first thing I remember hearing from him, was to say “I hate fags” coming from a gay guy… this is when I knew we’d be getting along. I’m looking forward to this semester.
I guess it would be unfair to leave Sabrina out of this post. I mean, for a period of time she was the closest thing I had to a girl I could talk to about shit. We were good friends, and saw eye to eye. There was one terrible night though, I completely broke down.. it was the eve of my epiphany that put me on the right track. I broke down with everything going through my head with Sabrina, in the midst of her arguing with her ex-boyfriend.. it was not a good night. I crashed on her floor, left the next morning, and we have not been as good of friends ever since. I’m not sure if it is coincidence or if the night had anything to do with it, I just notice that this is when it started. I could describe Sabrina as the same as Stacey in that she offers counsel similar to what I would provide someone, I guess that’s why I felt close to her. I helped her when shit was on her mind, and she helped me… until that night.
Fast forward to today… again it’s the same, we’re not overly close. We barely talk except for when I do show up at Clancy’s and even then it is only for a moment’s conversation before that is finished for the night. I’ve only really received two texts from her in the past few months, both times when she was upset. Which I do find a little flattering, I mean our friendship somewhat dissolved, but she can still come to me when she needs someone. Couldn’t really ask for more than that.
Surprise of Steve Squires This completely floors me. I mean, I knew Steve for a while now this isn’t new. But I mean, I would not have gone as far as to say that I talked to him frequently. But, working over the summer at the Marketing building, there were very few people online, one of them would be Steve Squires. He also usually gives me a Facebook chat message after each entry I put up back then. So, we usually end up in a conversation about the topic matter of the entry, and I am completely dumbfounded at how alike we are when it comes to thought process. Almost everything he says is a thought of mindset that I shared myself, and a while ago I learned he is also a huge avid WWF fan. Yes I said WWF. The man knew who Jack Tunney was.. So, Steve has elevated from, a guy I know that I talk to when I see him.. to a guy I’ll actually just talk to.
This one actually strikes me not as a surprise, but it’s without question the most random occurrence of the year. Late night, nobody online, I randomly send a message and we chatted. Been chatting every since. Along with Squires, Leah here is probably one of the big contributers to me still finding the energy to keep this blog going. Not to mention the insights and discussion that she offers surpass almost all that I have experienced before. I can’t believe I did not include this paragraph in the initial entry, I also cannot believe that I only started talking to her as she left the province. Sharing a similar sense of humor, interests, and outlook on life she’s pretty interesting to say the lease. Definitely unexpected but still, one of the most pleasant surprises that 2010 brought.
The Epiphany & The Clean Slate
Psychologically I am far from impervious. In fact a lot of my problems is that I do not understand the reason I do the things I do or why I feel the way I do. 2010 was a year of inner thought and reflection. I feel more complete now after everything. That being said, there were two events this year that I believed shaped the mindset that I have right now. One happened over the summer. April 29th, 2010. The day I ceased to be the fool I’ve been and the demise of the uncertainty that plagued my mind. April 30th, I became who I am right now. I let go of the past, I embraced the future, and I started enjoying the present. I started enjoying the freedom of Single life, and I no longer carried with me a dark shadow of remorse that followed me everywhere I went. Hell It was this epiphany and the subsequent Facebook Note that I wrote that paved the way for this blog. Still going strong body and mind.
The Clean Slate, I can’t remember the exact date, I’m sure I could run through Facebook status’ and find the exact date. The relevant thing is that sometime in the fall of 2010 I proclaimed everyone will receive a Clean Slate from me. No more holding onto shit that bogged me down with my friendships. Of course this is unprecedented for me because once I lose trust in someone, we are through. This is the first time in my life that I sent a mass forgiveness for untrustworthy behavior. So far it worked out. As I said, I’m back to having a friendship with Samantha Stone, the Jeff and Carrie fiasco has subsided and as long as everyone leaves me out of their drama I’m sure it’ll be mended. These two events are the biggest contributions I would give credit to for my change in mental age over the year.
That is basically it. There was a piece written on Candace, but despite my original claim to not censor this blog, I refused to include it. I think it would just spark more complications and right now I don’t need anymore of those. So, There you have it. That is my 2010. Part 3 is going to be up tomorrow, but that is most likely going to be a mission statement for what I’m hoping and planning for 2011.
To those of you going out and having tonight, I hope everyone has a good night, and best of luck in 2011.