Today she would be turning twenty-nine years old. The date always sneaks up on me and catches me out of the blue. In the last four years I’ve developed a psychological routine that prepares me for May. She was admitted May 1st, and passed on May 31st, the entire month is a psychological battle of endurance I have struggled with for the last four years.
There were only a few cracks and relapses last year so I feel like I’m finally getting to a point where I’m ready to live twelve months of the year instead eleven. There’s news coming this May that should help me reach that milestone – news I can’t talk about yet. Though it will probably be the most trying period yet – aside from it being the fifth anniversary, I struggle with my own memories.
As per usual, the human mind is a great, yet unreliable machine. I remember the stories, and the times I spent with her but a lot of them have now become just a memory of facts. I’ve been telling the stories about her for so long I’ve become very good at the details, yet the more time passes, the more they become stories instead of memories.
I remember her crying after our first kiss, because I know it happened. But I’m losing sight of the look on her face as it happened. Today she would’ve turned twenty-nine, I’m sure there would be some low-key event with some of her friends.
I still feel guilty even talking about her sometimes, there are so many of you who will read this who were closer with her, in fact I’m willing to bet most of you were. I spent most of her battle with Cancer and the fallout from her treatments living on the west coast and talking to her off and on. As I said before I had to leave the city years ago to find my own sanity, and although she changed my world and shaped the person I became – It was mostly done from afar.
She was always one of the two people I MUST see when I came to St. John’s. #1. Elaine Mahon, #2. Chrystal Horwood.
Her death was the single most influential factor of my return to St. John’s. For that I can never express enough gratitude to her. If I didn’t come back when I did I fear my life may have taken a different track and there’s no telling where I would be with now and with whom.
I still owe everything I am to her, a lot of you may have been closer with her physically, but she was one of the most important people in my life I have ever and will ever know.
Just in the way she looked at me I know she saw a man lurking in there someone, one far better than the one in the room. She saw the person I have the potential to become, not the slack, unambitious, passive, waste of life that I was at the time. I will forever be indebted to her for that.
It breaks my heart that I had to lose her to learn my lesson, but at least I can say that when that fifth anniversary comes I may finally be able to visit her with my head held high. There won’t be anymore excuses, no more reasons why I haven’t hit the goals I wanted to hit – in her name.
I presently live in Paradise, I share a four bedroom home with my Fiancee, her father and our six year old daughter. (Before people scratch their heads about me having a six year old – I will clarify I met the little girl when she was two.)
I have two full length novels finished. I have a six novella series that I’ll be wrapping up its first arc today or tomorrow. By summer’s end I will be a self published author on Amazon.
There is other news I can’t mention yet, but I’ll fill you in later.
All of this I owe to a lot of people. My parents for one, and others who have helped me along the way. But with all due respect, I don’t think anyone deserves the credit more than Elaine Mahon.
Without her, I don’t know if I ever would’ve made it to Telelink where I met Jess, I doubt I ever would’ve got to the point where I FINALLY started taking my writing seriously. Whether I crash and burn or not, it doesn’t matter – I’m trying. I have a supportive family that are behind me and I’m giving it an honest to God shot.
I work as many hours writing as I do at my full time overnight job.
I believe nothing in my life is completely independent from Elaine’s influence in some way. I know she wouldn’t want me to still be upset, or depressed, or sad in any way about her situation – yet, days like this remind me of just how much I miss her.
Happy Birthday Elaine
If I Saw You In Heaven <- Still as true today as it was back then – Still the hardest entry I’ve ever had to write.