Even Heroes Know When To Be Scared…

It’s a bit embarrassing to admit that the inspiration to write this evening is coming from an Eminem/Linkin Park song.  It has been speaking to me lately, especially since the employment issue has come to the surface and is finally showing its bite.

Life has a way of coming full circle doesn’t it.  I’m currently sitting in the same McDonald’s lobby that I once frequented more than 6 months ago.  I used to sit in this very chair and lay the ground work and early chapters for the Janus novel that I’m writing.  Life was pretty problem free at the time.  Both my significant other and I held down full-time jobs putting a near end of our financial strife, I had a location and ambition to finally get some writing done. Everything was progressing so smoothly to an ultimately happy ending.

… then came the promotion.  I couldn’t be a manager in the same store as her so I was transferred.  We got a little caught up on the semi-good news.  It meant more money, and I finally had manager experience on my resume.  In hindsight I don’t know why we were so excited.

I may have to retract this mindset IF the manager experience contributes to me getting a job that I am gunning for presently but it still won’t change the fact that I haven’t been able to write a word since I left.  My new store didn’t have the right feel and the novel took a back seat to a miserable day-to-day existence.

I’ve been unemployed for two weeks now.  I’ve returned to the lobby twice now counting this visit and I have already made more progress than the last 6 months combined.  Maybe there was some divine intervention that put me at that store just so I would get the management experience I needed to be considered for the job I really wanted.

I don’t know, we’re talking a bit too spiritual for my liking.

Is it too early for me to be wondering what my legacy is going to be?  I’ve spent nearly half my life without the intent to affect the lives of anyone but myself.  I wrote myself off as wasted potential that will never be realized, at best I could have been a cautionary tale that a few of my friends could use on their kids.

Now make sure you don’t end up like that ShallopNewf kid.  He literally could’ve done anything he wanted but instead he left this world without anyone but his family even noticing.

Not that I’m complaining about his absence, but I can’t help but wonder what the hell happened to that kid.  I spent life trying to blend in the background and yet any time I’ve been put in a situation where it involved other people I always end up taking the leadership role.  Feel free to disagree if you must but I know that I’ve grown into something much more substantial than a capable follower.

The last week or so I felt my mind slipping back into the passive little child that let the world pass him by but I refuse to let that be my fate.  The ones who are important to me know that I am a leader.  I am a problem solver.

I’ve been doubting myself for a little while now. Today it dawned on me that just because you carry doubts in your mind and fear in your heart doesn’t mean you’re not capable.

I am not unemployed because I couldn’t hack the job I could’ve played their game and I know I would’ve won… instead I did the right thing and paid the price for it.  I am STILL unemployed due to my own doing, I guess my mind would rather dwell on the mistakes I’ve made instead of trying to right them.

My legacy? Well that’s not up for me to define.  That job is for you, the people in my life and the readers of my thoughts.
My responsibility?  To show the non-believers that the ones who have faith in me were not doing so in error.  It’s up to me to live up to the potential that others have seen in me, whether I see it there or not.

All right, thanks for you time folks.  I got to get back, this novel isn’t going to write itself.

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