A Beast of Many Faces

An apology can be long overdue but I attest that it can never be too late.  It’s entirely possible that you can give an apology long after forgiveness is removed as an option, also it can come at a time when simply the original offense is so far in the past that it is irrelevant.

World Is Broken it’s been a while since I’ve visited here. I have got a good degree completed in the various workings and projects that I mentioned in previous entries, hopefully you guys will be seeing some of it soon enough.

I’m here to get something out of my head.  It has come to my attention in recent days that the therapeutic benefit of writing my thoughts here do not transition well to real life conversations.

fmab__battle_with_envy_by_crimzonlogic-d465xhlThe last few days I’ve become overwhelmed with a new emotion.  It is an emotion that I could not fathom in my younger years, despite having it described to me in great detail by a past significant other.

This intriguing new emotion that has driven me back to the hallowed grounds of my WordPress account is Jealousy.  Yes, I’m aware this is a normal everyday feeling that everyone feels eventually.  Let me explain.

My interpretation of jealousy was always defined strictly as a situation where worry and doubt combine with mistrust.  I never truly felt jealous before because frankly I’ve never been with someone who I didn’t trust absolutely.  In fact it has become a credence for all my relationships.. as long as there’s trust there will never be a reason to feel jealous.

The moment trust is gone, so is the relationship.

The other night I found myself in a discussion with an important figure from my past due to the intense need for an apology.  In a time when I was in a relationship with this person jealousy was an issue but she continued to tell me it’s not due to lack of trust.  With all my wisdom and understanding of complex human emotions I just couldn’t bring myself to imagine a type of jealousy that doesn’t stem from mistrust of the partner.

… That is until I felt it the other night.

I’m involved in what I will swear right now to be my endgame relationship.  I am with a girl right now that I intend to spend the rest of my life with… come together as a family… build a life together.  I vow that this is the it for me… marriage, life, retirement.. until my last day I will be with her. (I know this may be naive as I cannot speak for her as well, BUT to my understanding she feels the same and I have not been given a reason to doubt her)…

She has a child with another man, a man who at one point she was married to.  Of course this is me, when I’m told he’s coming down for a week and will be staying with her, I’m absolutely cool with that.  I’m actually quite happy that their daughter will be able to see her father for the short time that he is here.

I will pre-occupy myself with work, games, and poker.

Then the first night happened.  Her texting and conversation were such that I have not experienced her in such a good mood in a very long time.  Immediately my mind started to wander and I realized that the green monster was creeping in.

Why now?

All that kept going through my mind is, Wow this guy is making her happy.

Of course she reassured me otherwise and once again, I have no reason to doubt it.  But I couldn’t shake the feeling for the longest time.  My present state of mind is a little more logical and I still have the utmost confidence that everything is going to be fine, but this new emotion still intrigues me.

I trust her with my life, she assures me there’s nothing to worry about and yet Tuesday night worry is about the only thing I could feel.   It’s not very often I get the chance to experience a new kind of emotion (I was convinced I’ve already felt them all before).

I’ve vented about this already to her but for some reason I couldn’t shake this defeated attitude. No joke not only has this envy consumed me but it didn’t bring out rage or anger, it brought out lament and angst…

Transferring this from my brain to text helps a lot, so once again cyberspace I am in your debt and my continued sanity thanks you.

I”ll be seeing you all again real soon.



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