– You Don’t Deserve Me At My Best –

Seriously dude?  Are you SERIOUSLY about to write this?  What the hell is wrong with you?

No, that’s it I can’t do this.  I can deal with you quoting Matthew Lillard from Hackers in a post… even all the emo shit you get on with from time to time.. but if you’re seriously going to be making a post about THE most annoying line a woman has ever said to anyone in the entire history of conversation… I’m packing up and getting out of here.  You’re on your own..

So it’s like that is it?? Alright, well I wish you the best good sir but I am getting as far away from here as I can… Good DAY SIR!

*Door Slam*

The previous rant was compliments of my pride.  Yes my pride has decided to pack up and leave at the thought of what I am about to type.  I’m about to condone the use of one my most hated phrases of all time…  I do this without fear or hesitation, because there really isn’t anything more appropriate for the situation.

*ahem*

To begin… HAPPY NEW YEARS everybody!  We survived yet another apocalypse and the world is still going strong.  Well maybe not strong, but it’s going.

709f84cb7348b653bc4eb5a024672e94There may be a year end post to come talking about 2012, but unfortunately I’ve been just way too caught up to find the time to write one as of yet.  You see the new year also rung in the beginning of a new apartment, so I spent a lot of my time getting my new roommate settled into the city and trying to get all my shit together to get my new home.

My life is never really simple, and 2012 is by far no exception.  I’ll get to it sometime this month… however this entry, the first entry of 2013 needs to be written.

Not because it’s something so important I need to enlighten you all but the necessity is born of the desire to put the past in the past.  You all know that the World Is Broken is a blog 2nd, and an outlet for whatever is plaguing the dark recess of my mind 1st.

This is my therapy.. this is my method for not holding onto ill will and negative thoughts, I need to talk about my New Years eve because, as great of a way that 2012 ended, the beginning of 2013 was far from ideal.

***

This brings me to the line that caused my pride to Abandon me… the principle of the whole matter is that I had this line.  I think it’s the most pompous, condescending, ignorant line that too many women use as an excuse to be uber bitches and still complain when they lose their man.

But it’s soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo applicable right now.

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”

I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it… I hate it…

ahem.. *fixes collar again*

Okay, Sorry.

**

New Years Eve, We have friends at the new apartment where we are drinking, playing games, and scrambling to find a clock before midnight so we can have some semblance of a countdown for New Years. Everything is great and there’s a good time had by all.

.. but this tale is not one of celebration.  The night began to unfold in a manner that I was not prepared for.  At some point I lost my grip and began to decompose into something sinister.  There’s a part of me that is kept at bay, every day of my life… last night I failed.

The ending of our New Years Eve festivities concluded not with a whimper, but a loud, obnoxious bang.  Hearing about my behavior the next morning completely rocked me.  I didn’t, and honestly STILL don’t know what to say.

I deserved to wake up this morning alone without the single greatest thing to happen to me this year.  I deserved to be alone right now… If anyone else acted towards her half as bad as I did after the alcohol hit my system I would be locked up because I would hunt them down and ensure there would never be a repeat occurrence.

But, how do I do that when the perpetrator is myself?

**

I have been reassured that this is something that is not going to hinder us in the future.  I’m sure it’s something that I’ll be teased for later but the long-lasting effects have been described as minimal.  I can’t lie, I do still fear that there are going to be some scarring from this event… it’s one thing to be told about a dark side, but to see it come to the surface.

But I guess if I’m planning on spending the rest of my days with someone, its inevitable that they will eventually see everything there is to see.  This brings me to the realization that I should have thought about long before now.  I should the positive in this.

**

She saw me at my worst and after a brief talk about what happened… she’s still here.  She’s still by my side.  Hence why I couldn’t think of a better way of summing up how I feel right now other than quoting that annoying line.  She saw me officially at my worst… and she’s still here.  If we can get through it, I have no doubts we can get through anything.

I am not one to throw around the big L word very often.  I will admit that I no longer count myself among the people who has never said it and not meant it.  In recent times I have said it a few select times that I really wish I could take back, but to my close friends they know.  Love is a word I don’t even reserve for family.. I have a cousin that has been trying to get for me to say “I Love you” back to her for almost 20 years… my response to her saying “love you” is saying “I love me too”..

But, I am in Love right now.  This girl should have been running for the hills last night, instead she’s still here.

She’s everything I could have ever asked for and then some.  There are very few people walking this earth that were around to see me the last time I was this happy about life.  I’m finally a complete person again, a void that I didn’t realize existed has been filled.

I know it’s quite soon and came out of no where, but never before have I been so sure of how I feel about someone.

2013… Just you wait.  There are some huge things going to be going down over this next 12 months.  I can’t wait.

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One thought on “– You Don’t Deserve Me At My Best –

  1. Babe,
    You’re really being way too hard on yourself. It wasn’t near as bad as you thought it was. If I was to run scared after something as small as that, I would undoubtedly question my love for you. You are an amazing person, and as I have previously said, I’m sure I don’t deserve someone as amazing as you. But here you are, with me, and I couldn’t ever ask for more.
    You’re anger is something that we can overcome, together, with a lot of hours put into it. We can get through anything, especially a minor scrap that happened on New Years. I’m honestly glad that I could experience it and get that speed bump out of the way.
    I love you no matter what.
    You’re my rock (on the best beach), and one that isn’t going to be washed away by a wave that small.

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