World Is Broken, I am very sorry that I seemingly abandoned you for the last month. It has been a crazy time from which my life has changed forever. When we last talked I was in the midst of a bit of a morality crisis not quite sure why I didn’t feel bad about something I was doing.
I am happy to report that I found my answers. The reason why I didn’t feel bad about it was because it was simply a rough beginning to what has grown to be the greatest event that has happened to me in my life. I have FINALLY found legitimately happiness with someone. She’s incredible.
I’ve done things lately that I never dreamed imaginable… including feeling absolutely comfortable taking a male figure role in the lives of a young child. I am not the same person that I was when you last heard from me… I have even found a way to rid myself of guilt and remorse of aspects of my past that I had no control over, yet felt responsible for.
Tell me I’m being stupid, tell me I’m naive, hell at this point Jawsh hit me up with some more “You’re a F*ckin’ fatass that should die of a heart attack soon”… There is absolutely nothing that is going to be able to bring me down right now. I have found the absolute perfect piece of the puzzle of my life.
For those who know me let me put this in language you may be able to understand. Although I have grown close in the past to companions. Some were around longer than others, there is even one that still means a great deal to me and I wish I could look out for her more… and I’ve loved with all I had to give. Of course you all know that there was a part of me that has been gone for a VERY long time.
Not only is this new development so amazing that I could see myself diving in head first… but that part of me that has been missing for well on a decade has been repaired and now I am back to being a whole person. Most of the people reading this, especially my close friends cannot truly fathom what this means because this part of me passed away before I met most of you. I have never been this happy before in any situation.
Of course, I’m not going to dwell on this particular point for too long because there are two people I would like to mention. I doubt they’ll be able to even read this since both of them are no longer a part of my life and as far as I know they do not have contact with me.
1. One goes to the past flame. The one I left behind in Stephenville and was able to maintain a relatively steady cycle of fighting and friendship right up until the end of November. We ended up having our last fight in which I had enough. I couldn’t keep going with the cycle of hatred to friendship. My number got changed and we split ways… she sent me an e-mail apologizing and saying that maybe one day we’ll be okay and re-enter each others life. This is not a prospect I really had a problem with, I was hoping to get to a place of friendship with her.. but that all came to an end when someone told her about my relationship update.
So far I’ve received two e-mails concerning her thoughts. She is convinced that everything I’ve ever told her was a lie and that nothing was sincere. I can’t really respond to put her suspicions at rest because truthfully with the situations reversed I would probably think the same way. So I remain silent, maybe one day she’ll find happiness with someone and we can get to a point of friendship. Of course I don’t know how likely that is we’ll just have to see.
2. Second is the most recent associate that I was with before I committed myself. This one I feel like absolute dirt about because she is another one that has absolute no reason to doubt anything that I’ve ever told her. I’ve been emotionally numb for many years now. There have been a few girls to come around to scratch the surface of feelings but no one has come all that close to really tapping in. So of course when I moved out here I tried the whole dating thing with someone and it basically went nowhere and I realized that it just wasn’t going to happen. I was never going to feel deeply for anyone.. so I ran with it.
I’m not overly proud of my behaviour over the following few months, but I was never deceptive in my intentions. I knew exactly what I was willing to put in, and I made it clear. Of course we all know the story, that kind of arrangement only works for so long before it gets complicated, and sure enough this one particular example got a bit complicated.
Here comes the problem. I begin to realize that this could end very badly for at least one of us so I brought up the conversation that it will need to stop if it gets out of control. I explained that I’m emotionally unavailable.. it’s the way I have been for many many years and I apologized.
This was understood and okay.
Until less than a week later she finds out I’m in a relationship.
Both of these people are hurt for various reasons. They both actually hate me right now I’m pretty sure. But I would never be able to remove the guilt and remorse from my conscience if I did not at least make a public proclamation that this is not how things happened.
I understand how unbelievable it may sound, but I solemnly swear that the next statement is true.
There was no intention on starting a relationship with anyone at the times in which I said this was so. I was not secretly building a relationship with a new girl while texting the old flame, I understand how it can be a frustrating situation because it literally took a couple of months with the old flame to get to a point where we defined the relationship.. so it does sound surreal that I this came out of the blue. I was not running around behind the back of the most recent associate… I meant every word I said to both of you when I said it.
This brings up the difference between Lying and being Wrong. When I said I was emotionally unavailable and I highly doubt that will change anytime soon. That I’m ready to be in a serious committed relationship.. I was not lying. I was just wrong.
My girl blindsided me. That’s the easiest way of saying it. We got together so fast I could have sworn there was whiplash. I’ve never been this close to someone, this fast, this strong. I thought I would be numb to these sensations for the rest of my days.. apparently I was wrong. All it took was the right person, and there is without hesitation no-better way to describe her. She is my Mrs. Right.
This relationship is a fast car floating down the highway and someone cut the break line. We’re moving way too fast to consider it to be a safe speed, but we’re both absolutely sure this is what we want.
Yes, this is ME saying that I can feel that BOTH of us are sure on this. I never am comfortable enough in a relationship to say statements that inclusive. Usually my attitude is, this’ll be great till she gets bored with me…
Anyway. I’m very sorry to those I’ve hurt along the way. It’s been a long time since I could say I’ve been this happy, and as selfish as it may sound I refuse to dwell on the past at the expense of this amazing situation that I found myself in.