It’s been a while since I’ve had a post like this. These kind of entries have been described by a respected friend of mine as “a little too emo.” Alas this is the concession one must make when it comes to The World Is Broken. I try to make this blog have relatively meaningful posts full of analysis and interesting ideas… but never forget that first and foremost this site was created to house the mental obscurities that float around my head on occasion when they tend to clutter my mindset.
Thus, they must be removed from brain to be translated into text here.
The World Is Broken is my own self-therapy and November 21st-22nd has become a tie rife with internal debate and conflict, so to those waiting for the next post on something not directly involved in my personal emotional state, you can stop here and wait for the next one.
Well now, how do I start this. I guess jumping right in is a good start. Yesterday was a pretty action packed day when it came to social interaction. Even though there was a morning spent at work, I would like to say it was a pretty productive day. Got to watch a few episodes of Grimm with two pretty great friends, helped out a friend in the midst of a crisis, spent some long over-do time with some friends I haven’t seen in a while. Even during that I was fortunate enough to spend some time with someone I really was looking forward to seeing more than normal.
… It sounds like a wonderful day, but if that’s the case.. why am I still up at 9am?
So much for fixing that old sleep cycle eh? *sigh*
It happens to me from time to time that I’ll find myself buried deep within my own head, unable to really process the rationale behind an emotion. Honestly one of the most dominant thoughts in my head last night was that I really wish I was still talking with the sidekick on a regular conversational basis, I was mostly able to decipher my subconscious through simple conversation.
I was a great person once upon a time was I not? Respected, Caring, so many positive attributes… why is it then that my brain is screaming at me how it weeps for the death of my morality? Seriously, it is beginning to come to a point where I am hesitant about providing any kind of aid, fearful of failing and making things much worse… there are a few things that make me happy, actually something in particular has been doing a great job at that, and yet that very same “something” is included in my utter confusion.
I think this is where my mental state rests… I have not felt so unsure of myself in a VERY long time, and yet at the same time, the exact aspect of my life causing that uncertainty is providing me with potentially the greatest happiest I’ve felt in many years. It’s a situation that isn’t foreign to me, and yet it’s been so long and has come on so unexpectedly that I believe my sanity was not ready for the circumstantial whiplash of the feeling.
I cannot remember a time in my life where I was able to say that I feel absolutely incredible yet horribly tainted simultaneously. I lay back with anticipation of something amazing, and yet grow fearful of letting that anticipation bury a hole that could turn into a proverbial grave when the bottom falls out of it.
My life up to this point has spent the last decade and a half in a constant cyclical state. Almost everything that has happened fits into a perfect circle of events that just kept happening over and over again. The faces and names changed, but the situations stayed the same. Lately that cycle has been broken, without question the last 6 months of my life has not followed any distinct pattern that I’ve experienced before…
This could very well be the root cause of the uncertainty that I feel about myself and what I’m doing right now, but I don’t know. This post seems to be an accurate of my brain at the moment.. a jumbled mess of vague descriptions and half descriptions… never making a solid point.
There it is, the jumbled mess is not in text and no longer bound to take up space on my mind. It’s high time I get some real thinking done today and figure out what needs to be done with circumstances hovering over me right now. There’s way too much of my life just lingering around without any real direction.
Anyway, for those of you that actual read this.. ummm. thanks? I guess. No Seriously, I’ll have a legit entry up soon enough. To you new folks that just started following with the last few posts, Welcome. 😛 Next outing will be less emo self-centered… erhm. Maybe.