French author and Nobel Prize winner Andre Gide said, “One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” I know this quote is a little over used but it just happens to be applicable to this feeling. As this particular season of my life comes to an whimpering close I find myself drifting further from the proverbial shore that made my foundation in this newest chapter of my life in the province’s capital.
Maybe it’s sleep deprivation finally catching up with me after yet being awake for the entire night yet again, expecting to operate coherently on just adrenaline and energy drinks, but today there’s a large reflective aura in the air. I am looking at everything with what feels like new eyes as I begin to contemplate the issues that have plagued my mind in recent weeks. Issues that have largely been neglected under the guise of trivial and denied the attention they deserve.
First and foremost is most definitely the amount of childishness that I seem to find myself wrapped up in. There are so many cyclical problems that keep coming around and biting me yet I idly sit by and just wait for the inevitable. Things lately have become to far out of control and I once again find myself a passenger in my own life. This is something that is going to cease and desist immediately.
I’m all about there when people need me, but some of this stuff is getting a bit ridiculous. This isn’t even truly including just random insanity that seems to surround me for the most irrelevant reasons. There has been so many times in the past week that I received information or news of some sort that I wanted to simply respond with, “This has nothing to do with me… I really couldn’t care any less… please stop talking” But of course I lack the conviction to say that unless it is something that becomes a major issue.
I understand that a lot of this is going to be completely uninteresting to you the readers because I am not getting into specifics and frankly this post in and of itself is a sort of childish banter about the mild inconveniences in my life… so my apologies, but this verbal diarrhea is the original purpose of The World Is Broken so I need to just get it out.
Next up we have my little mission. The “let’s get in shape goals” that I set for myself two months ago. That was going strong until I hit a bit of a snag and ended up bailing on that particular objective. The kick-in-the-ass I needed came from a very unlikely, yet welcome source. One of the new faces in my life that I met after moving to St. John’s took it upon himself to … shall we say “remind” me how important it was to not give up on it.
For that I want to thank Mr. Banko for the wake up call. I am fairly confident that I would’ve returned on my path of my own accord, but his unexpected encouragement/borderline-berating helped me find my head a lot sooner than I could have expected on my own.
I was driving to work today and “Over and Out” came on through the car stereo. This is the song that nearly destroyed me as I was driving back to the west coast from Elaine’s funeral. I started thinking about her, and for a strange reason I looked up. I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in heaven, hell, etc.. but in my reflection I looked up and for the briefest moment I had an image of her looking back… this is when I truly started to consider what I have really been doing with my time recently.
I was on such a great path earlier… Gym almost every day, finances were getting in order, new car, new attitude… everything was finally going they way I wanted them to go. What happened? Why did I let all that go away. I’m now worse financially than I was at the start of all this, and until my semi-rude-awakening I was completely neglectful of the gym, and even work has become a chore… even though I don’t dislike my job yet.
It may be betting a dead horse in saying this because I know long-time readers of World Is Broken are probably tired of hearing me reference Elaine… but I’m glad I am still able to hold onto her memory. Truthfully, I’m ever confident that my mindset is returning back to where it should be and I’m slowly returning back to the track I was supposed to follow.
Two very important people are going to be sadly absent from this new season. One of them being one of my best friends… probably the best non-St. John’s-based friend I’ve ever had. He returns to the west coast in search for opportunity of advancing his career. I wish him the best of luck, but it’s going to be a somber tone when it truly sinks in that he’s going to be gone. Also, another has already traveled to the west coast. The second is a friend that is new to this season, a former work-colleague but so much more than that. Can I call this friend a failed endeavor? Technically Yes… yet not really. It’s a very difficult association to explain, the only real sentiment that I can describe with any degree of articulation is that this friend was someone that has impacted my life in a large way… moreso than she’ll ever actually understand I’m sure.
When I find the words to describe it better… this’ll be the first place I go. Until then that’s all I got.
I felt the credits rolling on this season finale earlier today. This next season is going to be interesting… without a doubt. Stay tuned.