Just when I begin to think that my priorities have ended up being completely misaligned and I start to ponder if I am really able to sort out what’s important from what is convenient, a night like this happens.
Recently I’ve lost all faith in the possibility of returning to the man I used to be. I was convinced that the old me was dead, that the ability to put the needs of another over my own superficial wants was something I no longer possessed.
A Brief recap for those of you coming in the game late and have no idea what I am talking about.
There was a time long ago before ShallopNewf completed a metamorphosis into selfish, prick, where he was a young, naive and compassionate giant. Until the world had its way with him and caused him to grow into a cynical, out-for-himself, beast of greed & envy. He began as the guy that would forego whatever unimportant desire I had on the table when it came to being there for a friend that needed me, and developed into a selfish creature.
When you refuse to be there for someone simply because it isn’t convenient for you at that particular time is something I just can’t forgive… even if I am guilty of it in the past. This attitude is a core reason why there are a number of people back home that I struggle to find breath when I refer to them as “friend.” People that have no problem being there for you, unless it makes them go out of their way.
As always there will be no specifics in this entry but tonight I had some fairly loose, yet definitely pre-made plans. It is presently 4:30am at the moment, earlier tonight I did not expect to be sitting in my chair in front of this computer at the present time.
Tonight I was supposed to be in the company of a friend who I have not had the chance to hang out in recent days/weeks. I came downtown and after being a pain in the ass for a little while my intention was t0 meet up and hang out. However, my phone was considerably close to death and its final demise is a main reason why I haven’t been able to properly explain things to this friend yet as to what happened. Hopefully, there’s going to be some forgiveness in the AM.
ANYWAY… in the dying moments of my phone, I received a text from an unlikely source. A number I wouldn’t have expected to be hearing from at that time of night… and the content of the message was even more surprising. Needless to say that a second text didn’t have to be sent, I got in the Civic and was in the presence of this friend as soon as humanly possible (without being pulled over by the maggoty Po-Po who were out in droves.)
It surprised even me how quickly I was willing to be there. I mean I boast a lot that I”m a Crisis Friend… that people only really come to me in times of need and that I’m always there when I can be… but this one caught me off guard. You see, although I may make that claim, it would be lying to you to not recognize that in recent months and even years to an extent, I have responded to a lot of these cries with hesitation and I drag my feet a little.. especially if there are already plans involved that will be interfered with.
Not this time. Within moments I was behind the wheel and I started getting to work… well at least doing what I can. Long story short about the situation is that this friend is fine, and I am left reflecting on tonight’s events.
Maybe the old me isn’t gone as far as I thought? Maybe I still have that ability to be that old naive kid with a hero complex after all.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day of work after no sleep, and apologizing to a number of people about essentially disappearing tonight.. but you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. Even now with full confidence that the situation would have ended up working itself out anyway.. I still would make the same decisions. Maybe it’s because I feel like I was at least a little helpful in seeing it through, although to be honest I’m not really all that sure how much help I was tonight… but I’m glad I was able to be that guy again.. even if it was just for that one night.
Once upon a time long ago I considered myself to be the protector of my friends. A guardian of all those around me who matter. I was big enough to be a physical barrier between them and whatever may decide to want to cause bodily harm… I was intelligent enough to verbally and logically berate and overwhelm a non-physical attack, whether it was with words or other means I generally was able to deflect and defeat… and I obtained a considerable amount of empathy mixed with the wisdom that I’ve developed through my own misadventures through this life, I was able to be the soft landing when the battlefield consisted of emotional trauma.
After losing touch with this sections of this aspect of my personality… tonight became an important event.
Tonight, I helped a friend… it’s been too long since I’ve truly been able to say those words and really feel like I mean it.