Really? I thought for sure I was past this. Will there ever come a point and time where I’ll be able to function as a normal person again? …. I guess I should put this into context for you eh?
It’s been a little while since I’ve had a coherent thought that warranted adding to The World Is Broken and since then there has been significant changes in my life. This gym idea has been an absolute godsend for my physical and psychological well-being. Even though the last 24 hours have been a very bad hiccup on my path of physical fitness.
Not going to the gym, but opting to drink a significant amount of alcohol doesn’t seem like a very productive choice, however I think I needed last night just as it was as much as I need to persevere at the gym.
I’ve come to some conclusions about the people I’ve surrounded myself with in recent weeks. Some good, some bad, but all important. This season essentially has begun with the re-emergence of Kathryn, and the introduction to a new Emily & Johnny. It’s a group dynamic that isn’t going to sustain itself for very long (especially since the Emily of this dynamic is leaving), but it is a very welcome throw back to two years ago when one of the most intense seasons of the last decade began.
Last night, we found ourselves having some drinks. I indulged a little nostalgia and led the gang to O’Reilly’s for Open Mic. Anyone who knows me knows full well how significant Open Mic has been to my developing of social skills and the maintenance of my own sanity. It has always worked as the very best outlet for what is in my head at the time.
Last night it didn’t quite work as such, because I tried to play songs that people would recognize and like more so than trying to give an accurate reflection of what is on my mind. I ended up breaking into my rendition of Freshman by Verve Pipe, Asshole by Denis Leary, and following up with the song that has become a signature of mine (even if it is over played and pop-ish) Brian Wilson by The Barenaked Ladies.
Before getting up there I contemplated actually playing “View From Heaven”… I’ve played it every open mic since Elaine passed away and as I’ve explained in the past, this song is a word for word accurate description of how I felt about her, and how I continue to feel to this day.
Last night felt absolutely amazing. It was the first time I actually felt like myself in a very long time; the feeling was intoxicating. My friends were having a great time before the group somewhat split and went their own separate ways, I felt like a Rock Star having people coming up to tell me how good the set was. I even won the bar tab that O’Reilly’s gives out each week. Later I opted to stay downtown for a little while extra once I knew that my friends were safely on their way back home.
There was a golden question circulating last night about why I decided to do that. I was a little hesitant about going into details last night with anyone other than the birthday girl (simply because she already knew)… The short answer is that truthfully, I don’t know how or why, but I couldn’t get my mind off Elaine.
It sounds lame, and makes me come off as probably a lot weaker than I actually am, but she was on the back of my mind before I went up.. the fact that I didn’t play View From Heaven made me think of her on stage.. and getting the bar tab for “winning” open mic brought me back to the last time I played O’Reilly’s… and how excited I was to tell her all about it and how happy she seemed for me.
I couldn’t shake her face, and I couldn’t get control of my own thoughts. So instead of letting these new friends of mine, friends that I have not been associated with long enough to know whether or not seeing me in such a contemplative state would be something they can be okay with… I decided to stay and ponder.
I eventually managed to get a buddy to get me and my car up to the new Johnny’s place, where I hung out with them for a little while before later having that same buddy (I REALLLLY OWE you big time sir) get my car and bring it to where I would crash last night.
I think my efforts to NOT worry the new friends was in vain, especially when after I told them to go to bed I was sitting in my car with the engine running and I know they were convinced that I was going to drive.
Anyway, as much as I know I’ll never really be able to let go of her, I thought for sure I was at least past the point where I am going to be haunted by her at every turn. I know Elaine would be pissed to know that she was the root cause of my mood completely dropping out last night… but it isn’t something that can be helped.
I will say this though, there were no demasculating tears, or heartfelt rants that needed to be said.. so maybe that’s progress. What I do know for sure is that last night I felt better than I have in many moons, and it just reinforced the idea that I don’t think I’ll ever be truly done with doing Open Mics. It just flows through me, it’s my lifeline no matter what is going on.
Anyone up for a jam?