This may be very strange for an atheist to say, but anyone who knows me know that I am a man that gives heed to superstition and omens. If “Spanish Train” is heard on the radio or through any other means I will refuse to play poker that day because of a curse I am fearful of, in that I always lose on a day I heard that song. This belief is so intense that now that I even mentioned it, I will not be playing poker tonight or tomorrow.
.. No it isn’t the argumentative nature… no it isn’t the calling out of every inconsistency in stories… What? No.. it ain’t the damn temp…. you guys suck.
It’s the fact that I truly lack any real amount of self-confidence in myself. I don’t mean in my intellect-based skills or comprehension, my qualms is with anything that involves a face to face approach because my appearance is my own biggest hindrance. I’ll have friends come out of the wood work to tell me how it’s not that big of a deal and it’s mostly in my head.. to them I respond, even if that is the case the fact that it is in my head is something that needs to be addressed.
I know there are people who are never satisfied with their self image and go to extremes to change that. Before anyone gets worried, no this isn’t the case. I’m not taking any short cuts I’m doing this right.
Too much of my life has been dominated by lack of confidence, and even in the last few years I’ve managed to master the art of false confidence. There’s been numerous thoughts about taking some action to change this but they always fall short. My lack of confidence comes from my weight, and the only time I’ve ever had a serious chance of doing something about it was years ago when me and my girlfriend signed up at GoodLife Fitness.
Of course that was only for two weeks, before we broke up and I’ve never been that close again to taking action… until now.
My mindset is entirely different, I’ve finally made it past “Day One” in a plan that should see results.
At the time I’m writing this, I have had two sessions thus far. I feel sore, yet amazing. Tonight when I leave work I’m going to be hitting up for third session in 4 days, (just cardio tonight though). My point is simply that my confidence is eventually going to be genuine. This is a prospect that excites me.
I can tell it’s different this time. My mindset has completely changed on everything lately. I sincerely think that I’m beginning to gain legit confidence myself already before the gym shows any results just simply in the way I look at life now. Almost everything inspires me to go to the gym. For a laugh I was at a Gentlemen’s Club the other night with a couple of friends, and looking at the dancers was the same as it has always been. We’d have our little commentary, say who we thought was good, bad, ugly.. you get the idea.
In the midst of this conversation and entertainment I had it in the back of my mind that I really wanted to go and hit up Goodlife for a bit. I am beginning to believe that my employment at Telelink was serendipitous to me succeeding in this goal. It was the corporate membership that I am getting from work that gave me the initial push to join.
When all you have to do is send an e-mailing saying “Yes sign me up” and they do the rest of the work it makes the process easier. Didn’t have to talk to any salesmen or make meetings. I sent an e-mail, and a few days later I was told to show up with ID and I would get my card.
I’ll have my membership as long as I have employment, meaning that I’m definitely more serious about holding onto this job by any means possible.
Not only the employment but the very night after my first session at GoodLife, drained as I was I still managed to go downtown for a moment with a few friends who wanted a beer. I didn’t actually have one, but the company was pleasant. While at the bar as if on cue walks in a bunch of women, my now-ex girlfriend included. It was the first I’ve seen her since I moved back to this town, and the few second conversation was completely awkward. It was literally a “Hello”, “Whats up”, and a “I’m gonna go this way now” conversation.
It made it clear to me that although I don’t feel like we are bad terms or anything.. that any real memory of a friendship has also been lost in time. I’ve realized that she is out of my life now, that she is (not intentionally quoting Gotye) just somebody that I used to know. She’s become a face that I will smile and say hello to while passing on the street, but not really go much beyond that.
This thought does make me sad a little.
But then I look at it from an ominous point of view. It was the breakup with her that essentially became the first event of many that saw my gym tenure come to an end. Seeing her after my first session is being interpreted as a reminder to myself. I regret not keeping up with the gym.. I regret leaving, I am not going to let anything like that happen again. I think seeing her that night, especially in the capacity that we’re no longer really in each other’s lives any more was the universe once again telling me to get at it, and stay at it.
So that’s what I intend on doing.
Tonight is RAW’s 1000th episode. Instead of getting a feed at McDonald’s and watching it from my chair sitting on my ass.. I’m taking headphones, and heading to GoodLife to see if I can keep up a routine that’ll last for the whole episode. 1:30-3:30.
Wish me Luck.