Too Much Bread

It’s about time that I take a step back, focus, and assess my surroundings.  The overwhelming feel that everything has been completely derailed is difficult to shake and the more I put off facing it the further I drift from where I want to be.

May 31st has come and gone and if I am being totally honest with you all, it was no easier this year than last year.  Last year I was hosting open mic at Clancy’s with the knowledge that one of the most important people in my life had just left this world.  Every word of every song cut deeper and deeper and if anyone was there to remember, there were an exceeding amount of breaks required for me to regain the composure to keep going.

I could not find such a venue to commemorate the anniversary, St. John’s is a very Thursday-deficient open mic city.  Instead I was in a friends basement with a couple of people I did what I could to escape my mind.  Playing a game that allowed me to totally escape my own thoughts and the real world for a few hours.

Of course, afterwards everything came rushing back and I found myself in an emotionally fetal position on my bed barely able to sleep.

This month has been a marathon of emotional waves that saw me lose control numerous times,  I like to think I handled most of them with pretty well although admittedly I know there were some that could have gone better.  It would appear that I’ve even lost what I would consider to be a very good friend in the mix without a hope of reparation.

The best way to describe me at this point and time is to just steal a line from The Fellowship Of The Ring from Mr. Bilbo Baggins telling Gandalf about how he feels after such a long life.

“I’m old, Gandalf. I know I don’t look it, but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel… thin. Sort of stretched, like… butter scraped over too much bread.”

Getting through this anniversary month was rough but it seems like everything in my life just feels so oddly placed.  There’s new friends, a new job that doesn’t cause me agony when I think about the prospect of going in for a shift, I have an apartment to myself for the first time …ever.  It’s a small bachelor apartment but It’s simply mine.  I may even be able to secure work in my field in the near future.

There was talks of a new site launching that’ll be my new Scratching The Surface, but I’m beginning to see cracks in this plan and I’m pretty sure it will just end up being another major project that I’ll end up being in all by my lonesome so I’m hesitant about investing any real resources into this.

I already submitted my acceptance of a gym membership from work at Goodlife, so as soon as I get the e-mail saying it’s good to go I’ll be on my way to being the shape I’ve always wanted to be.

My debt has basically been taken care of and I’m on the path to financial security.  I’m really starting to carve out the beginnings of what is going to be a real life.

Essentially what I’m trying to say is that for the first legitimate time in my life I can say with absolute sincerity that my life finally has some direction.  It is on the right path.

Why do I feel so dragged out?  Moments of joy feel hollow and I can’t seem to take any solace in the positive details of things right now.  I realize that there is something that I normally do that seems to help maintain some stability in my life, and it is basically writing.

I’ve neglected The World is Broken severely since I’ve moved to the bit city.  Save for one or two posts I don’t think I’ve really contributed anything here.  Of course true to form “The World Is Broken” is the friend that is always there when I’m ready for it and continues to truly feel like the only place I can say represents my “online home.”

I’ve tried changing the name, I’ve tried using different sites and write on various topics but none of them feel as natural and as honest as I find myself right here.  So I think those of you that actually still stop in from time to time (Apparently there are a pretty nice few of you out there)  can expect to see some more updates coming soon.