As time passes the closer we begin to get with our own mortality. It may be a little alarming that this thought races through the mind of a young
25…26 year old male. My entire existence was turned upside down on October 17, 1985 when I exited the safety and comfort of the womb. I intend on making 2011 become a quite similar landmark in the history of my future self.
This sounds a bit pretentious I’m sure, but I’ve actually made strides of progress recently. My overall goals seem to be nearly halted by overwhelming obstacles, a lot of which are my own doing. In the last 12 months I’ve made some mistakes, and I’ve learned some lessons, the 27 year of my life is going to be the defining one. This is the year that I am going to finally realize the potential within me, or fail miserably and never amount to anything. No pressure though eh?
I’ve wronged people this year, and I’ve had associations turn sour. There’s new people in my life that I would consider to be good friends, and others that have drifted without looking back (like the person who originally used this title about their own special day) I’ve given people the wrong impression of me, and I’ve enlightened others to the error of their misconceptions. It’s been a pretty eventful 12 months.
It’s incredibly difficult for me to pass through this threshold and start trying to become the man I’m supposed to be. Early last week I actually missed two days of work. I was not absent because work sucks and I’m lazy, I physically could not get myself to remain in that building. She was the only thing I could think of.
I have not been this emotionally unclear in many years, and in all honesty I would be hard pressed to argue that this is not worse than my first encounter with losing a loved one. Elaine’s passing weighs heavy on my mind and I can’t seem to shake it. I was hoping her funeral and wake would cause me to break down and let everything out, but other than a few nights at the grave site and seeing her face in the casket at the wake I held most of everything back.
It isn’t intentional, I just lack the required part of my psyche that will allow me to deal with such things, so when the walls around that pain began to crack I was at the mercy of my remorse.
An episode of “A Gifted Man” set me over the edge and it took two days to recover. It’s quite possible that in the near future there is going to be a post about how my day went at counselling. My parents want me to consider it, and lately I’ve been actually tossing the idea around my mind and getting more comfortable with it.
Not a good start to a reinvention year eh?
The real part that is sad is that I’m pretty sure this time last year I made a similar statement to anyone that will listen. Hopefully with Elaine in my mind and my mistakes in the past I will be able to post a much different tune next year.
Maybe next year I’ll feel good enough about myself that I will actually have a Birthday Celebration. Sounds like a nice thought, hopefully I’ll see you all there.