This morning I woke up 10am, then again 10:30, and 11:00, and finally 11:45. It took me four attempts to wake up this morning. On its own this is not a strange occurrence, but the reason it happened this morning is a little profound. I woke up this morning completely immobile, I could not get myself out of the bed. It isn’t because I was up late last night because by comparison last night was actually a pretty early night.
It started with a nightmare.
I was in St. John’s. I was at Elaine’s apartment and she just put Briannah to bed and we were watching Girlicious (Don’t judge me, she liked that show). At first it felt like it was a memory, I was simply reliving one of my happiest moments with her and everything was great. I felt a peace in me that I have not felt in over a year. All of a sudden she started coughing, at first it was just a couple but then it got worse. She started literally degrading away in my arms, asking me where I was. She withered to basically nothing in my arms, and I woke up in a sweat at 6am sill hearing her crying out, “Where are you?”..
I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. The promises I’ve made to get myself on track for her have actually be showing some progress despite a few setbacks. But, nothing I do will ever excuse the fact that I was not there for her for her last few moments of life. I was not there as she passed… not only that but her last day on earth that didnt’ involve laying in a hospital bed was a day that I was actually in town, I could’ve seen her.
I can hear all of you already shouting for me to get over it, and I understand the sentiment. Truth be told I still haven’t really come to terms with her passing yet, I haven’t giving myself any real alone time since I got back from St. John’s to do so until this morning.
All morning I’ve had images of her being happy, and it plagues my guilty conscience even worse. It actually caused me to think about everything I’ve done wrong in my days.
I think about not seeing Elaine on the last day I was in town…
I think about Candace’s voice when I told her that we needed to break, and the visual I had in my mind of how upset she was, the image that was portrayed to me about her Birthday that I ruined( the one I would’ve killed to be at)…
I think about leaving some friends high and dry on somethings that they really needed help sorting through…
I think about the fact that I have not truly liked the person I am for a very long time…
This segways into the point. I’ve always preached that there should be no such thing as regret if you can look in the mirror and like who you see. I’ve never personally enjoyed the view when I looked in a mirror but I always thought myself to be the person I want to be. It struck me this morning that I really haven’t been that guy in a long time, I was lying to myself.
The last time I was actually the real me was back when I had begun seeing Candace. Somewhere between getting together and breaking things off I took a mental snapshot of who I was at the time and kept that image in front of my face while the rest of me became this complacent, shell of the guy I used to be.
I used to be patient, able to wait out any storm that came my way, that’s why I was good at cards. I had the patience to wait for the right moments and I was able to make money.
Patience is a virtue that I have lost touch with.
This transformation already cost me a relationship, dignity, respect, the list is endless. I almost feel like I need to get out of this town and move on simply so I can start fresh because I’m pretty sure I’ve contaminated just about all of my relations here. There are some exceptions, like Misty, James and Gerard they seem to be pretty versatile. But I’m beginning to see that I’ve done a lot of damage of recent months even after I was supposed to pick up the slack and fix everything.
I’m beginning to see that unfortunately things are already FUBAR.
To everyone that has been in my life and are able to read this. I apologize.
I needed today, perhaps now I can keep the progress going and eventually be that guy that I used to be.. who knows?