– Mental Excrement –

Obviously this isn’t the most flattering of images that I could have chosen for the title of this entry but there really isn’t anything more appropriate.  There’s so much clutter in my head that things are starting to get unclear.

First up is money.  Why oh why do we live in a society where money controls everything?  Money is starting to weigh in pretty heavy on me again.  It hasn’t really been this debilitating since I lived in St. John’s, and it turned me into a vile, unlikable person.  I’m not too fearful of that happening here because I’ve grown quite a bit.  I’ll deal with this and do something about it, but the fact that I’m getting really behind on my financial goals is really beginning to have an effect on my psyche.

Next up is Elaine.  It kills me that she’s still cementing my feet to the ground.  I know that is the last thing that she would want for me, she would actually be pissed with me if she could talk to me now.  I’m stuck in a state of suspended animation unable to advance, every time I try to do something constructive her memory returns and I’m stuck standing still.  Elaine would be absolutely pissed if she knew she was a cause of the lament I’m feeling and I know this… I’m trying to do something about it.  I just can’t shake her…. She’s really gone.

Don’t you hate it when you can be nearly omniscient about most things and you see the train wreck about to happen, you’ve warned the conductor and everyone involved, but it’s just something that can’t be stopped?   Yeah, me too.  When it comes to relationships, my record states pretty staggering for predictions and advice.  I know the inner workings of this particular social interaction…. the only exception of course is when it comes to my own, I’m a babbling idiot. …  There’s a storm coming, and there’s a lot of people who are going to be standing outside with their umbrellas soaking it up.

The mission hasn’t been going quite as good as anticipated but I am underway now and the blog is going to go live today.  I can’t wait to look back on that 6 months from now and see the progress made.  If you’re curious to what I’m talking about, just send me a message and I’ll fill you in.

I’ve always started to dabble in finally writing something.  Long ago I had an idea to write a full length story… not sure if it’ll be auto-biographical or pure fiction, but the point is that I’ve started to mess around with MS Word, and that might actually be legitimately underway very soon.  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll really do something with it eh?

and finally the one good aspect that needs to be mentioned.  As I wrote before, I am finally starting to become myself again.  She’s back for another little while, and although it’s probably too early to put a whole lot of stock in anything, I’m stoked.  I haven’t felt this lifted in over a year.  I’ve been battered and beaten over and over again for a long time, it’s an incredible feeling to be free from that.  So whether this becomes something or not, I’m forever grateful for it.

Okay, that’s basically it for now.

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2 thoughts on “– Mental Excrement –

  1. Hey there. So you know whenever you post something I’m going to comment, lol. I remembered in your last post at the end you said something about anyone wanting to join a gym. I thought about it. And then I thought about it. And then I went for a walk. I’ve been walking fairly regularly, the length of the beach in the Crossing. It’s hard walking, sinky, annoying, everlasting sand between your toes even with sneakers on type walking. But it’s good for me.

    If you ever want to join me you know where the beach is, just hit me up with a text. 649-4512.

    Oh, and as for trying to write a story– go for it! When I was 17 and got my first computer ( Hey, I was poor and in a tiny isolated town!) I wrote a 20 something page mini-story that I still have tucked away in my desk. I’ll always love it, and it’s worth writing even if you’re the only one who gets to read it. Ideas generate ideas. Good luck.

  2. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve always had a plan. You had clear goals and could nevr fully reach them because of the circumstances in your life. Over the past 6 months, the advice I’ve gotten from you haws given me one clear message “Do what feels right to you”!. This is advice you seem to finally be taking yourself and I’m happy to read about it. The tragedy in your life, as of late, should show you how limited your time here is, and that you should make your mark in the sand right now, before your tide comes in and takes you away.

    I’ve always known you were a creative guy, Hey! I paid money for your expertise!!! hahaha 😉 (that comment might be a lil confusing) and I think any story you write will be an amazing one, auto-biographical or not.

    Keep up this momentum, that way, no one and nothing will stand in your way.

    lots of love from across the ocean! 🙂

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