– If I Saw You In Heaven –

~I must be strong, and carry on.  ‘Cause I know I don’t belong,
here in heaven.~  – Eric Clapton, Tears In Heaven.

This is by far the hardest post I needed to write.  I’m about to throw every principle this blog was founded on out the window.  I speak of no regrets and yet I will rant about my regret.  I even have a post saying “Life is too short for that” where I talked about giving all of my friends a clean slate… but I never really lived by the “live every moment as if it’s your last” mentality, until now.

Elaine Mahon has been the inspiration that has given me profound strength for the last four years of my life.   I have never known someone so strong in all of my life.

She touched me to the core, lifted me up when I needed to be brought back to the world, in essence I owe everything I’ve accomplished in the last half decade to her in some way.

This is one of the last times I seen Elaine.

For those who haven’t met her, you really missed out.  Elaine was the most kind-hearted, sincere, and warm spirits that you would ever find.  She was composed of an insatiable lust for life, a burning intense love for her daughter Briannah, and man… talk about looks?  She was absolutely gorgeous.

Why a girl like that would waste her time hanging out with the likes of me is still pretty baffling, but I appreciated every second of it.

Three years ago, she was diagnosed with Cancer.  The following years were an incredible battle that saw Elaine triumphant.  She beat it.  I wrote an entry on Scratching The Surface about Cancer Awareness Month where Elaine was featured in a newsletter.  It was the proudest piece of writing that I ever composed.

May 31, 2011, Elaine Mahon passed away.  When I got the news I completely blanked.  There was no emotion, no feeling, I was completely numb.  I think back about the times we’ve had.

The first time we kissed, followed by a lot of tears.  She cried which made me feel like the worst kisser on the planet.  Of course, after she stopped sobbing enough to speak she told me that it was because she was afraid of what Danielle would say.  Danielle and I had just broken up and she was a friend to both of us…  it was perhaps one of the cutest things I’ve experienced during my tenure in St. John’s.

What really kills me is that the break up and the alcoholic stint afterwards almost consumed me entirely, to the point I had to move out of that city. Elaine helped me through it as I was helping her with her relationship issues, unfortunately I had to leave town to truly resolve everything.  I feel like I abandoned Elaine… but at that time she was happy, everything was good.

Not too long after I find out about the diagnosis.  For the next three years I struggled over and over to get to St. John’s to see her.  This was the girl who helped me get through one of the rougher times in my life, how could I NOT be there for her?

I managed to make roughly four trips  during the entire fight… the last time out she seemed weak but still cracking jokes about her sickness and all of her plans for when she gets better.

She was something else…there will never be another Elaine.  I offer the most sincere condolences, not for her family and her friends or anyone else that she has touched, but for those of you that may be reading this that will never have the opportunity to meet such an incredible individual.  She could bring joy to the most bleak moments, and bring a smile to even the most rigid frown.  Elaine was a wonder in this world that was taken from us unjustly, long before she should have been.

Briannah, Elaine's daughter and whole world.

I started writing this June 1, 2011 at approximately 4pm.  The current time is 2:23am June 2, 2011.  I keep revising and adding more. There’s just too much to say about Elaine to write it all down.

I was in St. John’s the last weekend of April, I had every intention of going to see her, it would’ve been the highlight of my trip.  Unfortunately with no vehicle of my own, and a two-day time frame to get the obligations done I never had time.  It was only a matter of days afterwards she was admitted to the hospital.

It kills me that I didn’t do everything I could to take advantage of the opportunity to see her that one last time.  I thought like everyone else did… Elaine is fine she won her battles and I’ll get to spend some real-time with her next visit….  it’ll haunt me for the rest of my life that the next visit will never happen.

As empowering as Elaine has been to my life, I don’t know if she ever truly knew how big of an impression she left on me.  I told her many times how much I cared about her, but I never really got into enough detail.

I had to move away from St. John’s due to personal reasons, and I missed the biggest fight of Elaine’s life.  Then I miss out on the last opportunity to see her in person before she was taken… Elaine will forever be one of my biggest inspirations, and cause of some of my deepest regrets.

If I had the chance to talk to her right now,  I would leave no word unsaid.  I guess that’s the story of life though eh?

She’s taught me to live for the moment, time isn’t infinite, and I promise to one day make something of myself, and do something that she would be proud of, something to remember her.

To Elaine: I’m eternally sorry for the lack of time we got to spend in the last few years.  I hope that all these religious ideals are right when they tell me that you are in a better place.  You deserve nothing but the best Ms. Mahon.   I desperate hope that I am wrong about the afterlife.  You had such a rough time here, it is very comforting to believe it was simply a trial that you had to go through before you found your paradise.  I’m going to miss you more than words can describe… hell words can’t come close.

You were taken way too early… it’s not fair that it has to be you.  If there was a way I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  I don’t get why people like me continue to survive in this world not really doing anything of worth, while people like you that fight hard to care for their family and try to hold on to life as long as they can need to be taken.

I do not say this to many people, I actually have only said it to three people in my entire life, but Elaine.  I Love You.  I realize that I always have.  You were the one constant in my life that maintained the same image of me from start to finish.  You never judged, you never hated, it was just perfect.

That’s it, the best way to describe the two of us.. it was simply perfect.  The only problem we ever had was the problem of the distance being so far away, but you never lost any of the importance you had.

Goodbye Elaine,
I hope by some chance I can see you again some day.

I Miss You.

~Love, Devin

Alright it’s getting harder to see the keyboard.  As much as I try to fight it, both eyes have kind’ve sprung a leak… and I need to drive across the island tomorrow morning to go to St. John’s… better late than never eh? 😦

I miss you Elaine…

7 thoughts on “– If I Saw You In Heaven –

  1. This is an amazing tribute to an amazing young lady, that had the heart of a lion and the courage to back it up. I had the pleasure of being a neighbour of Elaines. She was without a doubt a very special person that touched so many in her short time on this earth. REST IN PEACE ELAINE. You are in heaven with the angels and you are the brightest angel of all.

  2. Just reading this brings tears to my eyes i think i was sitting a row up from u on the other side in the church elaine was a amazing person she definitly wont be forgotten

  3. wow I am so glad i knew elaine most of her life. i dont know u devin but i do know how true each and every one of your words are i went through your every emotion that it took to write this piece as i was reading. life is not the same knowing shes not here but i do find peace in even thinking that shes in her paradise and not suffering anymore. well thank u from the bottom of my soul for writing this with lots of love and hugs Cortney

  4. Nothing is more painful that to see someone who was one of the most cherished slip away through your fingers and be able to do nothing and to have to accept that it was Heaven who decided that. Death is so final! Everything can be fixed but death! Your post brought back so many painful memories. Years come, years go but so pains are just pushed back in a corner of our minds, but never lessen or go away.

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