– Fear Of Failure –

This isn’t going to be new by any stretch of the imagination.  You shouldn’t have any “What ifs”… Live life to the fullest… live for today… carpe diem.  There’s so many clichés that offer the same advice.

And frankly, this entry is going to be no different.

Since my last post and throughout most of today I have given this a lot of thought and discovered that I know where I went wrong.  Well, at least recently… I’m still a bit dumbfounded how it got to that point in the first place but that is an entirely different story.

I have always said that I would never put myself back into the previous situation without going full steam ahead and never looking back.  The way this circumstance went down it was horrific for the other party especially, but it left lasting scars on both of our psyches.

It was the wrong attitude to have, because I find myself looking back at the guy that made that decision and I want to smack him upside the head for being so blinded.  You can’t let a fear of failure, or the chance of defeat deter you from the path you want to take.

Life is about taking risks, making decisions, reveling in the fortuitous ones and surviving the consequences of the negative ones.  I should not have let the fear of failure stay my hands and my words.

It’s easy to look back and judge, but I guess the real measure of a man is what he does with the information and opportunities provided for him.  Here’s hoping to not making that mistake again.

It is already too far gone to lay any amends on previous mistakes… the opportunity to be heard about that has passed.  It’ll fall on deaf ears now, but it’s about time I stop letting the possibility of failure hinder my strive for success.

Journalism… I am NOT finished with you yet, and April 21st, I WILL be walking across that stage as a graduate…  and for previous situation.  I wish all involved the best… and at the risk of speaking too freely about my honest feeling on that topic I will end it here.

– Open Mic Revelations –

March 20, 2011.  Tonight was the first time in a long time I’ve done a Saturday open mic.  It was a pretty dead Saturday, but honestly I found more joy tonight than in the last few months of playing.  It was back to basics, how everything started.  There was not a big crowd, but the few in attendance were having a good time and it was just like we were all just hanging out at a buddy’s place.

It’s a little odd that I could get so much thinking done in that atmosphere, but I did.  Normally my epiphanies and revelations all come in a brooding moment of loneliness that offer no companionship other than my own thoughts.

Especially near the end I started thinking.  Dilpe and Megan were singing Closing Time, and the ending really spoke to me honestly,  the constant repetition of the line, “I know who I want to take me home” specifically.

I DO know who I want to take me home, unfortunately it is someone who cannot.  In fact it was someone who was in attendance tonight for a few moments before being torn away by the very reason why it is an impossibility.

I start thinking to myself about how long am I going to dwell on past regrets?  I boast an attitude of no regrets, but I keep thinking about things I could have done differently.

I was sitting at the bar having a light discussion about all of this with a colleague of mine who is going to remain nameless, but his input did strike a core with me for some reason. I explained how my past regret became what it was… what went down, why it happened the way it did.

The question of emotion came up, and whether the emotions were still there.  In fact, I was asked that by the bartender, but the answer is the same answer I have always given to that question.  Emotion was never the problem, it was everything else.

My colleague than said essentially that he agreed with my decision to a point, but honestly if that connection was there, maybe it isn’t a good idea to ignore it and throw it away.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel that I am doing what’s right for the other party, any action driven by my impulse will be selfish and to satisfy my own need for that particular part of my life.

I’m still a bit confused… enough to keep me awake at 3am when I agreed to wake up and attend the telethon tomorrow at 10am.

There is a lot of thinking left for me to do before I will consider myself completely focused on the tasks at hand, and maybe that’s the issue.  Maybe that is why i am in the academic position that I am?  I need focus.

These issues must be resolved…

Although maybe it is the fact that, I was removed from a website that I worked on for no reason other than outlived-usefulness, one of my closest friends have removed me from their life, another friend has proved to be untrustworthy, and one of the members of our group for our assignment that we worked on for the last 48 hours spent most of the day drinking…  I really could keep going, but I’m going to stop here.

yeah, there’s a lot to sort out I guess eh?

It really goes back to, “I know who I want to take me home.”.. I’m pretty sure with the help of that individual, I would have no problem conquering these obstacles.  Oh well, I am just gonna have to try to rise above on my own.

Last semester I said, it’ll be a miracle if I make it to this term… I did it.
In January I all but said my goodbyes, that I was expelled… I survived it.

One month left… it’ll almost be enough to prove to me there is indeed a God, If I can pull out this and graduate.  we’ll see where it goes?  Time for sleep, and more work in the AM.

Goodnight All,

BTW: Thanks for still actually checking out this site.  This post will reach the 3,000 view of “The World is Broken”