– Without A Cause, Without A Clue –

Isn’t it funny where inspiration comes from sometimes.  The most clear and precise concepts and ideas come to the human mind through the strangest sources.  Could be some random song on the radio, or just some cheesy line you overhear while waiting in line at the grocery store, but life never fails to provide inspiration and guidance, if only you keep your eyes, ears, and especially your mind open for it.

Dr. Tommy Fuller and Soon-To-Be-Father Roberto

For me, it happened at about 9am watching the third episode of Off The Map.  A guy being treated after a tree fell on him describes his life before he met his wife.  Of course he talks about being a player when he was young, and how he thought he had life figured out, but then when he got his wife he was saved.  The purpose of his story is to develop the doctor’s character who was treating him, (he is the player of the group)… in the talk he said a line in particular that stuck with me for some reason.

“All I did was surf and screw, you see I thought I was free, but I was aimless.  I used to be terrified of being tied down, but what I got in returned was so much better.  It’s amazing finding that person you want to give your whole life to.  Sydney, Sydney saved me, she gave me purpose, and I never even saw her coming.”  – Roberto

I know at least one person that is going to be reading this that is going to be incredibly pissed if I spoil what happens in the episode, so I’m going to stray a bit away from the specifics.  Let’s just say the scene depicted above spoke to me in a strange way.  When her said that he thought he was free but really he was aimless.  I guess it’s just something I didn’t sit down and contemplate before, especially last semester.

The freedom I experienced over the summer and into last semester was definitely intoxicated.  I mean, there was not a day that went by that I didn’t look back on what I used to have, but at the same time I was too caught up in what was going on to worry about it.  Meeting new friends, and new opportunities… I was probably the most liberated during this time than I have ever been.

Looking back at all this, I see that I too was Aimless.  I still am to an extent… sure I made big plans about keeping up my school work and getting in shape, so it looks as though my life has more direction now than ever before, but the truly tragic part in all of this is that I am still in mourning.  I’m in mourning for what I lost almost a decade ago, but aside from that… truthfully there is a part of me that can never deny that everything that I am working for is leading me to a specific goal that I want for my life.  The problem with this is that I see it more clearly than ever that once upon a time I already had this in my life, and I turned it away.  No I’m not only referring to a decade ago, I’m also including roughly 10 months ago as well.

Roberto & his tree, featuring Dr Fuller.
Roberto & his tree, featuring Dr Fuller.

I see everyone else that was in my life pairing, I see goals being obtained, I see happiness finally touching those that alluded it for far too long and it does bring joy to me to see that the people around me are finding what it is that they need to be happy, but I realize that had I only been more in touch with what was actually going on in my own head, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to find said happiness myself… Rod Stewart is singing my head right now… I wish that I knew what I know now… when I was younger.

The longer this life goes on the more examples I see that this phrase is probably the most applicable to my life.  Just when I think I have everything figured out, my own mind throws me a curve ball.  I guess I shouldn’t consider it to be a terrible thing, at least it’s never boring.

How am I going to be happy in life, if my definition of happiness is never clear, and the every time I get on the road to that happiness, I keep hitting the off ramp and going somewhere else.  Strange eh?  All of this came from a simple phrase, in a simple show…

——

On a lighter note, if you have not checked out the show “Off The Map” then I would recommend you give it a chance.  Especially if you are one of those people who liked ER, and Grey’s Anatomy.  It’s a really well put together Doctor-show, but it takes place in an unnamed jungle-scene far from the modern technology of urban hospitals.  It’s worth a look, and of all the new shows that I have watched in the last two weeks, a la  Bob’s Burgers, Episodes, The Cape, and No Ordinary Family. It is definitely the best show of the bunch.

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