I’m a little surprised at how many inquiries I’ve received today from classmates and instructors alike about my immediate future with the College of the North Atlantic. I’ve heard the line, “You’re still here?!?” three times today. So I guess I should get to the point eh?
Well, Yes I am still a student of CNA. My first major obstacle of this recovery semester has been laid to rest. I’m on my last life, but I am still here. I should consider this to be a victory eh? Well truthfully I don’t know how much my influence had on the decision but the bottom line is that I”m still here I guess. Now it’s time to address the real issue at hand… can I pull this off.
I am not permitted to slip up anymore, but as much as I assure the powers-that-be that I am fully rehabilitated and I am completely past my personal issues, that is a bold-faced lie. I just need to do a better job at being a rock and not letting it interfere with academics anymore.
Saturday was her birthday and I still can’t stop thinking about her, every attempt I’ve made to go forward as been met with a brick wall. All the roads I’ve trying to get past her ends up looping back around and I end up where I started. Truth be told, I will fight to stay here.. but I’m already psychologically half way gone. I am losing confidence that I’ll be able to keep my sanity long enough to finish this program.
Although on a positive note.. well sort’ve. Last night we gathered at Clancy’s Pub. The first time we successfully got both Lorne and Fred to accompany us at the same time. Fred was my instructor, and Lorne is Johnny’s. The reason I bring this up is because I was watching Kim strum away at open mic. It brought me back to 3 years ago when I started hosting. Even though she was only playing for 9 people, 6 of which was my group.
I missed the days when going to Clancy’s was prompted by a welcoming acknowledgment from the staff, and when people enjoyed hearing me play, long before the novelty wore off and it was just business as usual. I felt like getting up and playing with newfound vigor, until I remembered the feeling of last time I played. With that memory, my logical mind took over and I decided to just stay silent.
I’m far from being of a sound mind to persevere in the face of adversity, although I guess if you really want to look at it the argument can be made that this will just make my success all the more satisfying. To overcome challenges when you are far from 100% is something to be proud. So, in essence, I guess my shaking mental psyche can be a blessing because it will just add that much more validity to the fact that I deserve the diploma I intend on receiving in April.
Anyway, rest assured Journ kids.. I’m still around. They will not get rid of me that easily. So I’ll see you around.