We all know this feeling. There is something that you want to say, someone you want to talk to, some skeleton you want to release from the closet, but can’t. You don’t say something so loud that you can hear your own voice in your head screaming in it out. Eventually, it begins to spill.
It’s like the water that boils in a pot. First, everything is fine there’s a little bit of heat but nothing that can’t be dealt with. Followed by the steam arising from the pot letting everyone know that the heat is becoming an issue, so you get your first hint that there is something there… so it gets covered so that those signs are hidden. The cover works only for so long, before the water and steam begin to rattle the pot and eventually boil over.
In life, the human body can sometimes work as that pot. First there is something that is incredibly important that needs to be said but due to some circumstance, the brain tells the body that it would not be advised. This is the equivalent of putting the cover on the pot.
However, that only works for so long, eventually the contents begins to boil over, biologically this can be just the nervous system collapsing and you give in to the stress of bottling it up, or even alcohol induced where you begin to spill what is in side.
I’m sure this is an emotion that everyone can relate with, even those of you reading this that boast, “I always speak my mind, that’s why some people don’t like me.” If you are human, you kept something inside that you wanted to expressed. Whether you did so because you were afraid of embarrassment, or afraid of rejection… or even because you felt that it would wrong to say because it would only result in other people getting hurt. There’s many different justifications, but the emotion remains the same.
Keeping something inside, especially something that you would shout from the rooftops (if there would be no consequences.) It’s exhausting. Especially when you spend a major portion of your life in the practice of it. It’s something that never gets easy, and never gets comfortable. As you get older, it also takes its toll.
Usually, the opening to my entries tells some sort of anecdote, or explains the spark that started the entry, but alas I will not do so here. The reason for that is pretty simple, It’s clear that I’m talking about something that I have to say, but at the same time I can’t say it. I know the consequences, and even though it would be a huge burden off my shoulders to just say it… the repercussions of what I have to say far overshadows the internal struggle I have to keep these thoughts to myself.
This entry is NOT about the specific thoughts that I wish I could vent, it is about the ideal behind having to bottle them inside in the first place. The struggle, the enduring hollow feeling you get as if there actually is a black hole inside that is devouring my personality. I keep this inside, at the risk of losing all that I am.
However, there is an upside. This emptiness that is beginning to take control of my thinking, has given me a focus unlike any I have ever felt before. In the wake of all that I have said, and to that one booming voice that keeps yelling what I have yet to say…. I feel like I am finally at a place that I can achieve what I set out.
This is my proclamation. I am finished with Drinking alcohol. I’m going to start by saying I am going to take a 12 month reprieve from consuming alcohol. There is one exception, I will drink when a certain friend comes to visit because I told her I would and gave her my word. Beyond that, I am going to stop wasting money on that.
There are other goals, but there is a different blog that I’m going to post that on. Once I start making progress with it, I’ll link it here so you guys can see it too.