– Haunting Memories –

I was attacked last night.  I went out with the intentions of having a good time, but in the end I ended up being battered and beaten.  I was attacked by an adversary that I could not overcome and I became helpless.  There are a few of you that I tried to reach out to last night for assistance… with almost no success.

Coming off of Friday night where someone stepped up to me and found himself flying across a patio… it’s humbling to sit here and type that I was completely obliterate last night.

I guess by now you are curious about my opponent eh?
The nemesis that took me down last night, was Memories.

A flood of emotions came reaching through my mind last night and I could not deal with them, it broke me.  It shattered me to the point where I’m still not completely of sound body and mind… I know I saw her.  I have to be crazy but there is still a part of me that believes she was there.

The sad part of all of this is that my state of mind was not, and is not alcohol induced… however, it might as well be.  I was just as incoherent as if i was hammered last night.  I hit a brand new low last night, and I still have not been able to find a way to truly pick myself back up yet.  My current state of mind has me feeling alienated from just about everyone. . . like I have no one.

For those of you feeling confused I am going to sum everything up for you.  Years ago I lost someone.  She was very close to me and at the time she was the reason I became the person that I am today.  Before meeting her I didn’t give a rats ass about anyone else let alone everyone else’s problems.  I looked out for my self.. well not really even that.. I was just a blob.  I ate, slept, and breathed.  That was it.

This girl changed my life.  Made me care about things like hygiene and showed me the power of empathy.  I turned my entire life around because of her… and for many years after, I felt responsible for losing her.   In fact I was told that it was my fault… and I carried that with me a long time.  It led to some of the worst years of my life…

Last night, I swore she was there.  If I didn’t know better I would bet my life on it…

This might sound really weak, and definitely is going to destroy any image anyone ever had of me being strong in any way… but, my sudden influx of memories.. both great, and horrific… It winded me.  I could barely operate last night, and almost did some very stupid things.  I reached out to people who I believed to be the ones I could turn to in a crisis only to realize that everyone is willing to help as long as it doesn’t conflict with their own interests.  Last night I actually felt completely alone, and it was overwhelming.

If not for Johnny waking up after I called his cell a few times… I fear for what would’ve happened.

———————————-

It’s strange the impact that memories can have on the waking mind.  I am thinking I got so floored because I haven’t thought of her for a while.  I think I was finally starting to let her go.. to be able to go a full day without thinking about her at all… and possibly it is because of how little I have been thinking of her lately that caused it all to hit me that hard.  It’s the only thing I can surmise.

The past is a powerful ally or an unstoppable enemy, this is what I have come to learn in my years on this earth.

It is odd the power the past can have on you.  I mean, you know what happened.. so, why is it that when you remember it, you feel so passionate about the memory.  Simple.  A memory is not a movie, it isn’t a film strip in your mind that you can rewind, fast forward and play while being on the outside of the 4th wall.  A memory allows you to mentally go back to the event… you go back and not only watch

what went down, but have all the same feelings you did back then.  The smell of beach, of her perfume… the sound of the wood cracking in the fire, the pain when the ember landed on the side of my face… her touch as she cuddled into me….

This isn’t a movie, it’s a primitive form of time travel, and every time I go back I remember and feel the joy of how amazing our last night together was… and the remorse for how it ended, and then I fast-forward to the news that she was gone forever…

Here’s where normally I give advice on my topic.. but I can’t.  I don’t know what is better.  I was going to type, make sure all your memories are great ones so you can avoid this problem.. but the issue there is if you go back to happy times, it’s a jolt to your system when you return back to the present.

So, sorry this is more of a rant, because I have no advice to give on this.  All I can really say is, careful in life, live in the present, don’t fear the future, and respect the past.

And to everyone that went out last night… and to those trick or treating today… hope you have a Happy Halloween.

P.S: Is it bad that I only right now noticed that it is Halloween and I have a Halloween sounding title for this entry… lol

Music & Life

Gotta love StumbleUpon.com.  I came across this Alan Watts monologue.  It was actually quite an inspirational experience.  I am not quite certain as to why this particular video affected me so strangely, I feel as though for the first time I really understand the old cliché of Life is a journey, not a destination.  This man has it figured out.

Alan Watts was a 20th century British philosopher.  He died in 1973.

It isn’t a new concept.  It isn’t even something that I have never come across before, however for some reason I don’t believe it really sunk in until today though.  People get too wrapped it with where we are going, worrying about where you will be in 10, 15, 20 years from now.  The real problem with this plan is that, the more you plan for the future is the more you waste the present.

Now, before this gets too out of hand.  This isn’t a plea for everyone to drop out of school, take your life savings, and hit the road to experience life without borders… I’m merely saying that life is meant to be enjoyed.  I haven’t really been listening to this very much lately… I’ve made so many plans for what is to come.  I have goals that need to be met, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the journey along the way right?

The gist of what I’m saying is something you have all been told many times over by everyone over the age of 40.  “Youth is wasted on the It’s actually eerie  how often I have heard that line lately.

Don’t spend all of your life worrying about what is to come, and how life will be so much better once you achieve this goal or that goal.  It’s not a terrible thing to aspire to be someone or something, but do NOT forget to enjoy the now because in hindsight you spend more time in the present than any other time.  You should live it to the fullest.

For the longest time when I heard someone say that one needs to live life to the fullest, I imagined sky diving and a bunch of extreme sports.  I imagined impulsively coming up to random girls and giving them a kiss, or random guys throwing a fist.  I envisioned a complete disregard for the future, and to strictly live in the now.

It is only today at the age of 25, October 26th 2010, that I have realized.  You still set your goals… you still go to school, you still long for that dream job and dream family and dream house… but you do it while making sure that everything that leads up to these aspirations is fulfilling as well.  You don’t need sacrifice the present in preparation for the future… but you also don’t need to throw away your future to enjoy the present… life is about a balance of the two.

Most of you may have already known this and it’s a concept that isn’t new.  But, to me this is mind-blowing.  For some reason, my perspective on those clichés was that you had to pick one or the other… Present or Future.

I never once believed that BOTH could be a plausible choice.

Right now, I am insanely behind in school, that needs to be remedied. . .

– Always Demanded, Rarely Given (Respect)-

It’s something that many people consider to be very important in interpersonal relations.  Everyone wants to have it from everyone else, but when you actually take a look at the populous, especially the ones that demand it the most.. you find that reciprocation is a big problem. 

What am I referring too?  Simply put, I’m talking about Respect.
Yes, yes it’s time to cue the Aretha Franklin reference.  I’m talking about R. E. S. P. E. C. T.

My question comes from just reflecting on the classmates that I have to deal with this year, as well as the instructors.  One particular classmate comes to mind.  It’s a first year whose actions would make one believe that he elevates himself above everyone else, including some of the instructors.  It is here I wonder about the whole stale cliché that everyone has heard at least once in their lifetime… “Respect your elders.” 

The question I pose is Why?  Why should we respect someone just because they were put on this earth before us.  I’m sorry to those who disagree with me, but the way I see it.  Age is NOT a synonym for wisdom.  I am aware of many people in this world that are pushing 60, but has done nothing to deserve any respect, nor do they have experience or life lessons to pass on… at least none of any worth. 

I’m sure there are people once again rolling their eyes at my opinion.  Thinking that I’m just a foolish, brash youth that thinks he knows better than everyone.  Well, for the most part your right, I am foolish and I can be quite brash.  I have the wisdom to actually understand that though, which is more than I can say for the inspiration behind this entry.  As I mentioned in an earlier entry, the wise Socrates said it best when he basically said the smartest people in the world are those that realize that they don’t know anything. 

A student entering a journalism program that has worked in the field for 25 years (or at least one aspect of it), does NOT have the right to enter this course and hold him/herself on a pedestal looking down upon the others.  I am sorry, but especially in the journalism field, 25 years experience will give you insight as to how the newsroom politics may work, and will even give you a great deal of knowledge as to how to conduct oneself on the radio/television… but if you look at journalism 25 years ago and contrast it to today.  I’m sorry sir, but you are nothing more than an old student. 

This actually saddens me, because someone with that much experience could potentially contribute so much to a classroom full of young, hungry minds.  Instead, what we have is a leech that wants to make sure everyone knows all about his past and that he knows all.

This rant isnt’ strictly about one particular person.  It is about the entire generation of people that age that will walk about and consider us “children” to be so naive and wrong in everything we say.  I’m tired of being wrong in a conversation with someone just because I had the ignorance to try and educate a senior that Windows Media Players is NOT something that you can eat.  My apologies. 

I’m sorry that I am not of the impression that just because something is “on the internet”.. that I can recognize we do NOT have a global following.  The internet is NOT a new and bizarre invention to me.  Albeit it IS true that the internet allows the entire world access to whatever you upload online, that doesn’t mean that the content we need to upload should have an international appeal and flavor to it.  If we had a website that is Barely viewed by the residents of Newfoundland, there’s no real need to cater to Europe now is there?

Age does NOT equal right.  There are things about life that you may know better than me, experiences that made you learn your lessons and YES I’m sure I could do well to benefit from some of your experience… but don’t let that go to your head and believe that you are superior to me.  I can learn from you about what you know, but you can learn a hell of a lot from me about what I know… don’t think just because I’m born in 85 and you were born in 69 that you know everything I do PLUS more…

I refuse to give respect to anyone who can’t return the favor.  If you want my respect, then try being respectful and showing some back. 

My grandmother did a hell of a job raising my mom.  It was a real good job, she probably even had a lot to contribute to helping raise me when my mom needed advice on baby stuff.  But once I turned 20, you need to realize that I am NOT something that you understand.  My grandmother raised all girls, my mom has ALL sisters… so to hear my grandmother talking about me like I am a child, and giving my mom advice on how to raise me when I was 20 years old.. yeah.  Let’s just chalk that to yet another example of the older generation looking for respect without giving any in return.

Summary… I’m NOT saying I am superior to my elders, not at all.  I’m a child and I am still going to make mistakes, their guidance is appreciated.  But there is a big difference between guidance and being treated like they need to take your hand and guide you down the street. 

If you want my respect, you have to earn it just like everyone else, I don’t care what your Date of Birth Is.

Thank you & Good Day

– That Time Of The Year Again… Happy Birthday Eh? –

Technically, it is October 18th, 1:50am.  I am writing this blog before turning in to sleep.  Tomorrow I must study as much as I can before writing my Newfoundland History midterm – an exam that I may potentially fail.  Is this news? Not really.  My performance up to this point does not warrant to produce any benefit.  I will salvage this year I’m sure.  But, this entry has a purpose.

It isn’t a social commentary on society.  Nor will I dive into any psychological conundrums.  It’s merely time for the conclusion of my reflections.  Today was the anniversary of my birth.  October 17th.  Let’s just recap what went down.

To being, Birthdays ARE lame.  I hate my birthday most years.  It usually is a depressing reminder that my life was so much better once upon a time.  For me it is usually the loneliest day of the year.  I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, things that I do indeed regret (even if that statement contradicts my earlier statement of never regret.)  I’ve lost good friends, and girlfriends…  I’ve alienated myself from some really pivotal people in my life, luckily for me I haven’t been too self-destructive to lose them all… yet.  There are friends that I wish I could share this day with, when I look back on my life and see the great friends I once had, putting that in contrast with the distance I feel between even some of the closest people in my life right now, it is hard to be an optimist this time of year.

I was wrong though.  A couple of friends this year took it upon themselves to remind me that although I have lost touch with a big part of myself… that I feel hollow… I still have my value.  Einstein once said, “Strive not to be a success, but to be of value.”  And after last night, I feel as though I am regaining a portion of my sense of self-worth.  I think I’m finally beginning to advance towards my original self… the guy that would do the right thing, regardless of cost.

The party that was thrown for me was pretty large scale for the neighborhood, and almost got us evicted.. but since I still have the apartment, I tend to chalk that up to a sign that it was epic.  Then the night progressed to Clancy’s and The Bar.  It was a success, I legitimately felt like I actually belonged for the first time in a long time.  So once again, I thank anyone who is reading this that showed up last night.

This entry is not a retelling of my birthday festivities though.  It’s about the revelation I came too when I woke up this afternoon.  It is October 17th and I am officially 25 years old.  I’ve been talking about my “Mission” since the summer began.  I was planning on returning to school as a completely transformed man.  What better time is there to start a new goal in life then a birthday?

On my 26th birthday I’m making this proclamation.  I WILL be able to look in the mirror and enjoy the reflection I see looking back at me.  I’ve tried this so often in the past, but it’s time I make good.  I’m not getting

younger, and I don’t want to waste the few years I have left to be youthful and enjoy this life before the strain of middle age starts eating away at me.

I set a mandate of 12 months.  This time next year, You are going to see a brand new me.  That is a promise.

The picture you see to the left is a picture taken last night.  It is the most recent picture of myself that I have at the moment and it is my starting point.  I’m hoping that this blog remains at least online for the next 12 months so that I can be able to report on the final tally when it comes time for birthday number 26.

Here’s hoping.

But here we go.  I refuse to let any other excuse or reason hold me back anymore.  I am going to take control of my own life and finally strive to get what I am not only capable of, but what I deserve to have.  I shouldn’t be scrounging around for the bottom of the barrel with everything.  I should NOT be overweight… I don’t really have a slow metabolism or a medical condition for it.. it’s inactivity and a bad diet.  I should NOT be anything but the top of our class in school. No offense to any classmate reading this entry, but there is literally nothing that we have ever done that I found remotely confusing or difficult.  If I just showed up all the time and just put minimal effort into these assignments and exams I would be at the top of the class.  I’m sure there isn’t many that will dispute this.  I should NOT be making the selfish choices when I know what the right thing is.  I am usually the moral standard of everyone’s perspective.  I should not be letting drama get to me, I’m the dealer of it, I know how to make it go away, I need to regain my King of Resolving Drama crown…

There’s a LOT of work ahead of me, in so many ways.  But, what better day to start it than now?  After all, isn’t the old adage, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life.”  Carpe Diem guys, “Seize the Carp!”

No more excuses…

 

– Don’t Like Me eh? Wow, Suddenly Your Opinion Doesn’t Matter-

I’ve had a notion that has been eating at me for a while now.  I think it actually has manifested itself within me and has been a very strong factor leading me to where I am right now.  As always I’ll just mention the inspiration that sparked this particular entry.  Well, It is a little after 6:15am, I have an exam in 3 hours that I didn’t really even look at yet, but I’m thinking I may do okay in it because I just have a broad understanding of the material anyway.  I’ve been watching the 8th season of family guy for the last 3 hours (maybe longer).  The episode where Brian is told that Quagmire doesn’t like him sparked my sudden interest to write this.

The underlying cause of this entry is the information that I have come into contact with over the last few weeks.  Apparently there are those that believe that I am incredibly conceited.  I believe that I am the alpha and omega, that there is no one I can’t get, and nothing I can’t do.  My arrogance has become something of note as of late.  This all of course comes as a surprise to me…

My confidence would barely fill a matchbox (that’s such a dated reference, how many of you have ever even seen a matchbox?).  Anyway, this is something I’ve already talked about recently.  This entry is about a more broad topic stemming from this.

Ask yourself this question.  How would you feel in this situation?

You go about your business.  You have fun out with your friends, and then discover that there is someone at the bar that has a problem with you.  One of your friends tells you, “Yeah, he/she thinks you’re a dick.”  Or “They think you’re pretty f*cking stupid.”

Here is the part where I know that there is going to be some of you that are reading this and are saying, “Pfft, that person is a tool anyway” and you’ll say that it wouldn’t affect you one bit.  I understand entirely.  I even know that’s the exact response you would give if someone walked up to you and posed this question.  The beautiful thing with blogging though, is that I’m not asking a question looking for an answer, my instruction is to think.

I apologize if I am wrong about this but I am willing to bet that there is nobody on this earth that would remain completely unaffected by this news.  As human beings we are social creatures, (even the most socially awkward people and recluses still have a social aspect of their personality)… to discover that another person has a really low opinion of us, or a strong dislike, is enough cause an effect.

The real question is what to do about it?  This is the thought that has kept me awake tonight in my third all-night, no-sleep, evening.  I could probably preach and talk about how you really should not let it get to you.  I mean because there’s nothing you can do about it.

Hey.. You!.. Yea, You!  Reading this entry.  Guess what??  Someone doesn’t like you!  I’m sure there’s a lot more than just one person that feels that way.  Someone really doesn’t like you! …. Deal with it.

That sounds so simple, and it’s true.  It doesn’t matter who you are, there is going to be people who dislike you, some for justified reasons, while others for what may appear to be no reason whatsoever.  Recently I heard news that someone has a very low opinion of me, and believes me to be pretty arrogant… the real kicker on this is that I can’t remember ever having a conversation with this person, let alone doing anything to give that impression.  My thoughts?  Well even though I don’t really ever see this person at Clancy’s I can just make the assumption that if they have come on select nights of the week and spot me running around talking to everyone, it’s easy to get that impression.

Does it hurt?  To be honest.. yeah it hurts.  Is there anything I can do about it?  Not really, because I really don’t feel the need to set the record straight for that person.  I really have such a low value of their opinion that it is just something I can just get past.  But to say it doesn’t affect me would be a lie.

Here’s the advice folks.  You need to read this and understand it.  You can please all of the people some of time… You can even please some of the people ALL of the time… but you’ll never, as a human being, be able to please ALL of the people ALL of the time.  It’s something you will all have to deal with at some point in your life, and it will more than likely happen a lot more than once.  The way you get through it is basically my starting point for any advice.  If you can look in the mirror and you like what you see, and you enjoy the person looking back at you then your first battle is done.  The second thing you must do is realize that there will always be people like that, you can’t let it bring you down for long…. If you’ve got one friend.. just one.  Then you never need to worry about what anyone else has to say or think about it.

And, I’m saying this because I know that the only real readers of this blog exist on my list.. so if you are reading this then I assure you that you have at least one friend.  He’s writing this entry.

It’s a human condition to try to bring others down in an attempt to build yourself up.  This simple fact alone means that eventually someone will try to verbally step all over you in an attempt to make themselves seem more important or to give their own life value.  This is what I think the case is of the example I used.  It was a person that needed to take potshots at me, because they must feel inadequate in their lives.

Anyway, this may be a bit jumbled and all over the place and for that I’m sorry.  It’s almost 7am now and I still haven’t slept or studied.  But, now that i got this notion out of my head maybe now I’ll be able to get some work done.

Bottom line… don’t worry about those that don’t like you.  You surround yourself with the friends and family that appreciate you, and you live your life the way you want it to trying to brush off the criticism and you will not be able to be held back by anyone.  The sky can be the limit.    Whether it’s an ex-best friend that wants to bitch about you, or a controlling boyfriend that wants looks down on your for certain personality traits that he doesn’t approve of… it is your job as a person to be yourself.  As long as you can pull that off, like-minded people will come your way and you will find that this whole “life” thing… isn’t as hard as people keep saying… and is completely manageable.

So, I’m rambling now, so I’m going to end this and get some work done.  Wish me luck.
And to the Haters… umm well as the title says.. Go Fuck Yourself!

– The Best Policy –

Good old Benjamin Franklin has said it best, in the most timeless of methods with five very simple words. “Honest is the Best Policy.”  He’s right.  So much of our world could be improved if we eliminate the ability to deceive.  This entry is inspired by two different things.  #1: The Invention Of Lying.  A movie that takes place in a world where lying has not been invented and no one seems to have the ability to deceive at all.  It’s actually more than just not lying, they literally have no inner monologue, they say what is on their mind at all times, until one guy learns how to lie.  It is an interesting movie to watch.  and #2, well let’s just say that I’ve been having issues with people in my life lately.  In the last two months I’ve had a few instances in which conflict arose from people keeping things from me.

I know what you’re probably thinking.  This sounds pretty self-absorbed, just because your friends with someone doesn’t mean they have to share every intricate moment of their life with you, some things are just none of your business.  And to that I say, you are absolutely right.  Everyone is open to live their own lives and it is absolutely true that they don’t have to share every detail with me (or any other friend for that matter) hell, God knows that I don’t blog about every tiny little event that happens in my life…

When I talk about someone keeping things from me, I’m talking about things that involve me.   Before I moved into my apartment, I had a friend that was really close.  It was a joy to talk to them.  But, their opinion of my endgame… my goal, drove a rift between us.  She thought I was trying to get something that I really wasn’t… and things just hasn’t been the same since.  Why?  Not because she thought that i was merely only speaking with her for one reason only, seeking one thing only… but not only did she not come to me with this, she turned to someone else… her loyalty now rests not in the friendship that we have, but in the one she turned to when she doubted me.

Then there’s the story of the friend that spent 3 months almost having an issue with me, but instead of coming to me about it… chose to avoid the issue… a.k.a avoid me.  This story actually involves two friends that I am finding it difficult to hold onto at the moment.  This have changed now, especially considering that this would’ve gone on indefinitely if i didn’t stumble across it while one party involved was drinking…  I keep my composure, but I still have lingering suspicions in my mind about how long this would have gone on if I didn’t force the issue myself?

Then we have an incident that nearly tore me apart at the core.  Being openly betrayed… used as leverage.  I have a very flirtatious personality.  Anyone that has known me for 10 minutes will realize this.  It is all apart of the persona of confidence that I like to show the world.  I flirt.  Most times I don’t even realize I’m doing it, but I give everyone the same disclaimer… never take anything I say as an advance, when I advance on someone trust me… there’s a lot less subtle ways I would go about it.  Maybe that’s another entry I can put up a guide so you can all differentiate between when I’m flirting and when I’m just being me…. anyway I digress.  I had a friend… very flirtatious as well.  We used to through back comments to and from… actually once upon a time we had a conversation about how funny it was that people just don’t seem to have a sense of humor, and people take the flirty jokes WAY too seriously…  We both declared that there is no interest between each other… so I assumed everything was good… So, what happens?  Her boyfriend catches a text I send that he perceives as me making an advance on his girlfriend.  – As a good friend to me this is the part where she explains that it’s just joking and light hearted and I really have no interest in her because it has already been made VERY clear..  – oh wait no nevermind, that’s what I would’ve done.. I keep forgetting not everyone thinks the way I do.  What does she do?  Starts saying how I always do stuff like this and it makes her uncomfortable, and she texts a friend of mine telling him I’m saying all this junk…  Not ONCE saying that everything was a joke, and she came back with similar comments all time.

I’ll admit there hasn’t been a time in the last 12 months that I felt so vindictive.  See, I save all my MSN chat logs, my comp just does it by default. I was tempted to send the conversation to her BF on Facebook, and show him exactly what his little innocent girlfriend was saying back to me… which is odd if what I said to her “made her uncomfortable”….

Anyway, a conversation with her later and a bunch of different stories and backpedaling, and I tell her whatever.  I’ll still talk to her, but our friendship will never be as it was.  It’ll be a long time before I trust her again.

I kept the names out of these stories because I am not here to announce bad blood, and I’m not here trying to single anyone out.  I just wanted to use some examples to show everyone the trend here.

I’m not sure if anyone was paying attention or remembers my epiphany that I had over the summer.  But, I’m a man now of honesty or bust.  That’s it.  I’m tired of games, I’m tired of deceit.  I tell everyone… just be honest.  That’s it.  Is it really that difficult of a concept.  Let’s say for example that I’m getting close with a female… hypothetically we are starting to get “real” close.  But tomorrow night she wants to hang out with a different friend and it’s a  *gasp* dude.  You need to realize, that I don’t care.  If you want to go hang out with someone else, hell, even sleep with someone else.. I Don’t care.  Just don’t lie to me about it.  You tell me whats on the go and I’ll be fine.

If you’re my friend, and you got beef with me.  There’s something that I do, or something I said that you really don’t like, and you have a problem with me.  Don’t sit there and bitch to your other buddies, or silently stay in the shadow letting the beef expand and grow.. come up to me and talk about it.  I don’t care what it is, whether it’s something really stupid that I’ll probably initially laugh at, or something uber serious that i will apologize for.  Just tell me.

A good example of how that dynamic is working right now is Clancy’s.  I was with Adam and Johnny, Me and Adam were both feeling the booze, and johnny just got there and had a couple as well.  Johnny was starting to trash talk Adam about a game of pool that we were talking about putting some money on, and he said something wrong that really set off Adam.  Something he probably shouldn’t have said but my understanding of the situation is that it was something that Johnny had no way of knowing he shouldn’t have said.  Anyway, Adam started getting pissed (a mixture of what johnny said and the booze).  So I kind’ve take a step closer to them, and tell Adam to calm to the fuck down and of course he doesn’t… Johnny essentially tells me it’s cool and him and Adam after like 2 minutes are best kind again.

I left the pool table and stepped down to the bar because I knew that the two of them were fine, and all was good.  But when we’re out at Clancy’s or.. well any bar really.  I make it clear, the only person allowed to fuck with Johnny is me. haha like when he wanted to track down the uber-socially-awkward “friend” that we all know…  Johnny wanted to crack the guys skull so I kind’ve had to stop him by saying that if he wanted to fight, he’s gonna have to fight me lol.

Anyway.  It’s instinctual now,  if Adam was a stranger that mouthed off like that, I would’ve stayed there, and the first sign of a swing would’ve prompted me to step in the middle.  So, knowing that they were going to be okay I went to the bar to get a drink because I really didn’t want to punch out Adam haha. Adam is by far the best friend I got in Journalism, the dude is right on. (Although Paul is pretty cool too).

Adam came up to me asking if there was a problem.. I said lets take it outside.  We went outside where I could hear myself think. I explained everything to him that I just explained to you, and we were fine.

Honesty.  – Three friends, one says something stupid without realizing it… they both talk it out.  Then Me and him talked it out.  That’s how it works.  I didn’t just stay quiet and wait weeks without resolving it, which could’ve just ended up in something building up for no reason and could’ve led to a rift between me and Adam.

People you need to understand that if there is a problem, it there are issues.. Deal with them.  When I tell you that Honesty is my most important virtue.  It is the aspect of the human persona that I hold above all others, and it is only through dishonesty that I can be hurt.

Tell me a lie, and tell me you don’t trust me.  There is nothing you can do or say to me that will cause more harm than that.

That being said, I want to again make sure this rings true.  Albeit the last few weeks I find myself quite empty and without purpose.. but I have never been of a better mindset than when I adopted this concept.   So if it hasn’t been made clear yet, if you are a friend of mine (and If you’re not chances are you’re not reading this anyway) it doesn’t matter what you do, just be honest with me and we’ll be fine.

Try it. –

– State Of Affairs: Changes –

I’ve been looking around a lot lately.  There has been a lot of changes that have occurred this season.  A lot of new characters… some have left the show.  Playing guitar has begun to feel like a chore to me, even when doing it just with a couple of friends around, Friendships have ended, relationships have begun.  Not just in my life, I mean in the lives of everyone around me that I have been able to observe.  So many changes.  But that’s life isn’t it?  Life is all about change.

Heraclitus was the philosopher that stated “you can’t step into the same river twice.”  I’ve been looking at a few of the things he’s said in his lifetime and came across one that inspired my entry

“Nothing endures but Change”

It’s true.  The only thing that truly stays constant in our lives is the fact that things change.  It doesn’t matter how enduring something may seem, change is inevitable.  I think I started losing touch with my own self when I lost touch of this realization.

The friends you have right now are your friends, that doesn’t need to change.  But your day-to-day life will.  With an absence of Johnny Pardy while he was home over the summer, Jeff Vineham climbed the ranks quickly and became as good a friend to me as Johnny is.  It was awesome, someone basically the same age as me (give or take exactly two weeks hah), thought similar to me, and even had a lot of my same experiences.  I trusted him with anything and everything that was going through my mind… Regrettably, It would be a bold face lie for me to sit here at my computer and type that we are as good of friends right now as we were back then… in fact last conversation we had didn’t go very well at all, kinda got hurt, and kinda over-reacted… but that’s in the past…  That being said.  The dynamic has changed… it’s become more rare for him to venture to Stephenville, we don’t really get much of a chance to talk anymore… I still consider him to be a good friend despite how our last conversation went, and I’m sure eventually I’ll hear from him again…  but see?  This is all an example of change.  The circumstances and situations change, it’s a part of life.  Drifting away from people is natural.

Hell let’s look at my track record… In three years I can actually look back and specifically point at least 5 different clique of friends that I was with consistently.  Right now I’m into yet another… Johnny and Adam mostly.  But I mean Kelsey has been added to the mix since the summer but since I moved to town we’re able to hang out more often.  Well Stacey is obviously next door so that is a factor…

Change is not always interpersonal.  I’ve noticed that I am not the same person that I once was… in previous posts I wrote about my confusion at this realization, but now I’m beginning to embrace it.  I would be lying if I said anything other than “I feel like a monster” (To quote the Skillet tune above)… I’m not overly thrilled with the person I have become and hopefully I’ll be able to isolate the traits I don’t want and remove them, but that’s just more changes that hopefully will be made.

The statement that I’m trying to make is that Change is absolute.

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it”. This is from the 1943 novel “The Razor’s Edge” – W. Somerset Maugham.  It is the truest form of the statement I am trying to make.

I once wrote an entry encouraging everyone to take control of their own lives.  I’m not sure if it was in this blog of not.  But, I have somewhat overlooked the concept of enjoying the good while it lasts.  If you are with someone, I don’t care about how long you see it lasting don’t be plaguing yourself with thoughts of how things will end badly or what possibly can happen in the future… listen if it has to end then it’ll end, enjoy it now while you still have it.

You’re so scared about growing old and not going to be able to get out and do what you want to do anymore, you’re so fearful of your body giving out on you that you obsess… day in and day out, all you do is think, “good nutrition” “good exercise” “lots of rest”…. You end up spending your entire life trying to make sure your body is in tip-top shape, but your fear has consumed you and you spend most of your life trying to keep your body in shape that you refuse to go out and enjoy the life you have.  There’s nothing wrong with having that burger with the guys every now and then… or going to the pub for a few beers.  It doesn’t have to Always be about fitness.

… before I go any further I want to explain this.  I’m well aware that this is almost a complete opposite of what happens these days.  Most people are obese (I’m no exception) and refuse to exercise, this example is through in because it’s somewhat unusual so I’m hoping it’ll catch someones eye and maybe my point will come across.

In the case of me and Jeff… friends that you spend all your time with.  Every fun night out is with them, and those nights are epic.  But, when they are done and you drift apart, there’s no sense in being upset or miserable about it… just look back and enjoy the memories.

There’s so much to life, and most of it is change.  It is those changes that force us to make key decisions that shape our lives.  In 12th grade, a change came in my life… high school was done and I had to decide on the next step.  I chose Grenfell in error and ended up making a 3 year mistake… that’s life.. that was my reaction to a change that was happening.   We all need to understand and embrace that things change.  It’s your decisions that shape you are, and who you are going to be.

If change really is the essence of life… then the decisions we make is our navigator.

This goes back to an old quote that I’m sure I’ve used to death already, but seems a fitting way to end this entry…
(Oddly enough, after quoting a pre-socratic philosopher, and a mid-40’s acclaimed author… I will end this on a quote by Theodor Seuss Geisel .  a.k.a  Dr. Seuss.   Strange eh?)
When it comes to any change in your life just remember,

“Don’t cry because it’s over… Smile because it happened.’