– Who I Am –

This post is actually inspired by multiple different influences.  It actually should go under the default “About Me” Page.  Because this is rant about my transformation.  From growing up to who I am right now.  There are differences, and I want to explore them.  Instead of just pondering to myself I’m going to start typing and see what shows up on the page… then I will post it because frankly I don’t have anything to hold back.

Who I Was
Some of you will remember this… some of you will argue this.  But once upon a time I was fairly quiet.  I was a kid that had absolutely no self-esteem to note, and everyone in my life were better than me, so I just followed the crowd like a sheep.  Since the 5th grade I had Three friends… Paul Vincent, Guy Garnier, and Trevor Slade.  2/3’s of which are still friends, Guy kind’ve vanished off the face of the earth. 

We spent many weekends simply playing Goldeneye, which later became Halo.  This rant isn’t about the things I’ve done, it’s about who I was though.

I was meek.  I valued everything around me, and everyone around me, but myself.  I was always looking for acceptance, but I was too young to realize that no one can possible accept you, if you reject yourself.  Yes I understand it’s a tired expression, but it applies.

Someone wanted help I was there.  Not because I cared about everyone else, but because I felt so worthless most of the time that I needed it to feel of any importance at all.  So yes, basically my “hero complex” grew out of a need to feel important.  My life had no value so why not use it to improve someone elses?

In fact, through a very depressed time in my life I persevered, not because if something was to happen to me others would be upset, I endured the misery I went through in college simply because I wrote off my life… so that means if ever in a position to exchange it for someone else, I would be able to take my worthless life and trade it for someone who has a life worth keeping.  I always imagined the whole, jumping in front of a bullett, or pushing someone out of the way of a speeding car and getting hit.  That is the way I wanted to go.

Looking back I”m sure that not a lot of the people closest to me really knew this was going on…..

Let’s fast forward now to present day.  Life has had it’s way with me and I have gotten through it all to stand before you now typing my story.

There has been a lot happen in my life to make me who I am, some great, some agonizing.  But they turned me into who I am, so I won’t complain about any of it.

Right now, I am confident.  Yes, it may be difficult for anyone that grew up with me to understand this.. but I am indeed confident.  I still have the lingering weariness about the beer gut, but instead of bitching I’m just going to get rid of it hah. 

I actually consider myself to be the person I want to be.  This has been due in a big way to a certain female that has allowed my confidence to grow, but not entirely her. 

I feel good about who I am, what I can do.  I have no problem speaking my mind to anyone that is brave enough to ask me.  I don’t pussy foot around much anymore, if you ask me something and push to get an honest answer, you’re going to get it.

Chris Clarke messages me and asks me why I had a problem with one of my friends staying with him instead of us during Salmon Fest.  Yeah, I could’ve made up an excuse, but he asked so I told him.  There is very few men that I would rank lower than Chris on the “Potential Boyfriend” ladder.  Yeah, it’s true that I haven’t seen him in a long time and quite possibly he could have changed, but unfortunately I’m in no position to see that so when someone asks me their opinion on him.. that’s what it’s going to be.  Sorry Buddy.

A friend of mine wants her opinion on the current beau in her life.  Even though I warn her that the opinion is not overly great, she pushes.. So I give it to her.

I am not afraid to be honest to anyone anymore.  If I have some ill feeling about something and you ask, I’ll share. If you can’t handle it then maybe you shouldn’t ask.  Some people consider this cuntish, but honestly it is how I found sanity.  I used to stress so much about what people thought of me, that very rarely would I be able to be myself around anyone…. not anymore

Like I said, I am confident, I’m able.  I’m not afraid of a little resistence, and I don’t feel the need to hold back.   I still feel the urge to help anyone when they need someone there, that isn’t something that’ll go away.  But I no longer do it for some pitiful feeling of self-worth, it is out of legit concern… if I can help I will. 

Once again this isn’t much of a rant about a particular topic that will spark debate.. this is more of a late introduction to anyone that doesn’t really know me all that well.  This is who I am.  Like it or leave it.  Because I like it.. haha

There will be a topic-driven rant at some point today. – actually an idea just came in my head.  That’ll follow later today.

haha umm. so I guess,  stay tuned… 😛

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