– Nothing To Say –

It’s been a while since I’ve actually written anything for this blog.  It actually isn’t due from lack of trying… I don’t know if it is from lack of trying I really just don’t have a topic to write about.  I know there’s a lot more that I can say, and that I have to say, but no topics are coming to mind, and I’m not going to force out an entry when it really isn’t something on my mind. 

One thing I will have to mention, is something that I’m not sure many people quite get the idea of yet.  I have been saying now for at least two weeks that this season is coming to an end. 

With everything that seems to be going on it’s going to be a very interesting school year.  I’m sure there will be a lot more beind posted here. 

In the meantime, if anyone wants to give me a hand with something to write about, give me a shout.  If it sparks any real response from me I’m sure it’ll end up here.

– “Hey How You Doing?” Does NOT mean “I Want You So Bad” –

I’m digging up an old Facebook status here.  It was not too long after I became single that I ran into a problem.  What is that problem?  Well, I’m a guy, therefore apparently being nice to a female means that I have interest… cause of course I have a penis, so saying hello to a girl is instantly a sign that I want to sleep with her.

This attitude is disgusting.  I mean, I understand how it came about because I personally know a lot of guys that do fit that description.  They talk to as many women as they can and try to get with every single one of them.  I would like to think that I’m a bit more particular then that, I mean lets look at facts here. There are 4 absolutely incredible women that I got to hang out with, I got to know them.  Currently now if any of them text my phone, my blackberry starts yelling “Sister Alert.” 

I’m not someone who gets interested in every female that says hello to me, and it’s a real discouraging feeling when women jump to those conclusions. I want to make a proclamation right here and now… if I do not go up to you and ask you out, or tell you “how I feel”… then I am NOT trying to get you on the go.

If I stand next to you while at the bar, or sit next to you and just chat it up for a while, that is NOT me trying to get into your pants.

If I pay your cover at a bar because I didn’t want to see you get ID’d, that does NOT mean I’m all ga-ga for you. 

The reason why this particular issue boils me mostly, is because it’s something that you almost never get the chance to set straight until someone comes forward and brings it to your attention.  For example, a friend of mine was being a bit weird around me.  I asked to hang out before and got an awkward rejection each time.  It was starting to feel strange.  One time, she told me that she couldn’t hang out because she couldn’t do that to her friend… (Her friend and I have a history, and her friend likes me a lot)… then it clicked in.  They both thought I was trying to ask her out on a date. 

Luckily because of that statement I was able to uncover that they both thought I wanted to get her on the go.  It made me feel pretty awkward and slightly embarrassed because I realize that every time I’ve talked to her, this is what was on her mind.  For a period of time I was that annoying guy, the guy that “doesn’t get the hint”… when in reality I was just trying to hang out with a friend.  The girl is great, I’m not saying that she isn’t. I mean if I would have met her a different way, and we were both single then I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have been interested.. but I met her through her friend, so from day 1 she has been off-limits…

Things seem better now that I cleared that up.

See what I mean though, friendliness and flirtatiousness are confusing eh?  I mean I know I’m a flirtatious person, but if you think I’m hitting on you tell me something flat-out to make me know you feel that way… that way I can either say, “okay no problem” or.. enlighten you that conversation does NOT equal Flirting…

Like I said it does kind’ve burn me because she can walk away saying, “man this guy got after me but I shot him down.”  … that’s a little damaging to the pride.  But what can I do if I can’t set the record straight if no one tells me it’s off track.

Anyway, here’s the advice. Ladies… before jumping to the conclusion that the guy is trying to get into your pants.  Try talking to him first, if you are any judge of character you should be able to surmise what intentions are… instead of just making the assumption when he says hello.

We DO have the capability of talking without wanting sex or a relationship. 

Now that being said…. 😉 How YOUUUU doing?  err.. umm nevermind.
Yeah, You get the point.

“Hi” does NOT mean “Let’s Fuck”…
Okay, I’m done.

– Circumstances & Character –

This is a bit of a vague idea that just came to me.  The difference between people in general, and I guess it’ll branch into a sub-topic of the Nature Vs Nurture debate.  The question just got entered into my head of why do some people have it so much easier than others, while others have it so rough?

There are lots of reasons, financial, physical, psychological.  But I just mean in general.  Human beings as a race are capable of such great things.  You’ll hear about the down on his luck guy that needs to beg for change on the street, and you also hear about the Paris Hilton’s of the world that were just lucky enough to be born into a very wealthy family. 

Let’s look at this bum on the street, intelligence-wise he may be Einstein, the only problem is that he was born into a family with an abusive father and a trampy mother, and he’s been on his own since he was 12… he met a girl had a family and became his father, so she left him.  He lost his job, so he drank away the rest of his money till he had nowhere to go, and he’s on the street now….  this guy born into Donald Trumps family could’ve cured cancer by now.

Thoughts like this actually make me wish that I believed in things like God and the heavens above.  If such a being existed maybe there would be a chance that situations like this would have purpose or meaning, but then I actually consider Paris Hilton… and realize that this belief would be foolish.

Can the measure of a man really be based upon his character.  That’s the question I’m posing.  The purest soul in existence can be corrupt if it is exposed to nothing but negativity throughout its entire life.  Yes I do believe in the soul even though I don’t believe in God.  There is something that biology cannot explain that makes every person on this planet act differently even though we’re made up of basically the same DNA.

To say that I am better than someone is simply a matter of circumstance.  This has been the revelation I’ve come to on this topic.  There are a lot of people who would consider me insightful, knowledgable, and caring…. but I haven’t known any other way.  In High School I really didn’t do much other than write and read.. the people I got to know mostly were all online, so I have grown accustomed to getting to know the person before the body and appearance enters into the equation.  I’m remotely well off, that’s mainly because I have two parents that would do absolutely anything I asked them to, especially if It is something I needed.

I’m no better than anyone hah, I’ve just been molded by enough external stimuli to be the person that I am today. 

It’s a very sad thought to think that we are merely a product of the environment that we are born into.  Here’s the part where I contradict myself a bit.

As much as I said I am a product of external factors.  I believe that there are innately characteristics that can exist in a person that will make them be a certain way.  You all have heard of this.  It’s the delinquent that gives his life by pushing someone out-of-the-way of a speeding car, getting hit themselves…. it is the pastor that is embezzling money from everyone around.  There is such thing as good and evil and they exist.  If you were born with one of them.. no amount of global tampering can change that.

This is something I have to believe.  Because there have been way too many times in the past because of unfortunate situations and even some stupid decisions on my part that I felt like a complete asshole, and up until not to long ago I would swear up and down to everyone I see to not waste their time getting to know me because I am capable of being the worst of the worst. 

Life is a struggle, and through this struggle a carbon-copy human baby is molded into the being that it will grow into.  You start off with the basic good or basic bad model, and the twist and turns sculpt the rest. 

You’re not better just because you were born with a lot more luxuries than me.  You are just luckier.  I’m not better than you just because I was born with stability, with certain luxuries that you didn’t get… I am just luckier.  I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum, I’ve been looked down upon, and I have also been the one doing the looking in my day.

All in all it comes down to this.  When you accomplish something and it is of your own accord… then you have the right to boast that you are someone of note… you’re still NOT someone better, you’re just someone who accomplished something..  So don’t stick your nose up to me… my province… and any other human being.

– A Reason To Endure –

The meaning of life – an enduring debate.  No one can explain this with any degree of certainty.  The reason we are here is not a question that can be answered by anyone.  That is a fact, Yes I said fact.  I don’t care what anyone else wants to say about it, there is NO definitive “meaning of life.”  Everyone lives their lives with different perspective and everyone has their own belief to what the meaning of life is.  It is also depends on what aspect you wish to look at, biologically the meaning of life is to reproduce and continue the survival of the species…  so does that mean we should all go crazy having sex?  As fun as that may be, no. I don’t believe so.  I got my own beliefs of what the meaning of life is in general, but that’s not what I want to blog about at the moment.

I’m curious about the various reasons that we actually get through the hardships.  What’s your

Reason to Endure

There are so many different answers to this because everyone has their own reasons.  Some religious people will say that they get through everything because they know that God has a plan.. not to mention Suicide will get you a seat reserved downstairs.

Friends… Family.  People draw upon them for strength.  When they feel like succumbing to the hardships of life, they turn to the people who mean the most to them and it gets them by.

Parents, when they lose hope and will can sometimes turn to their children to find their reason to endure.    There are so many different reasons, different methods to finding strength. 

What has prompted this entry?  Well I’m more or less looking through my own head here, but there is a very disturbing thought in there.  I don’t have such reason.  I am not a weak person by any means and it’s not like I’m struggling to find strength, I mean I sincerely believe that I can handle anything life wants to throw at me right now…  but if that strength ever wanes I realize that I really don’t feel as though I have that “Reason To Endure” behind me.

When I really consider it, this blog was basically created because of this fact, I just didn’t completely notice until now.  I’m sorry if I offend anyone of my close friends by saying this, you’re all great and all… maybe it’s because I’m listening to Eminem’s slower semi-emo stuff, but I feel distanced. 

I do not fear the afterlife, I do not believe there is some all-powerful deity up above planning out our lives for us… I don’t seem to find any strength in the friends that I am surrounded by.  I mean Yes I know they’d want to help if something was to ever happen to me, but I do not see me ever behind empowered by them.

This is the part where I shout to everyone else that feels the way I just described.   You need to remember, there is ALWAYS a reason to endure.  Nothing is ever as hopeless as you think. I do have a reason to endure…. I just don’t know what it is yet. 

Either I haven’t realized it, or I have yet to obtain it yet… but I will.  So will you.

We all have a reason to go on.  I’m not just talking about life in general, I mean specific goals as well.  There is always a reason.  You strive for success in school because you want that specific job working for that specific company.  You work hard at that lowly minimum wage job because you have a child to support, or you are the earner of the family. 

The Reason To Endure – That’s what life truly is about, or at least that’s how I feel.  Life itself is the journey, it’s not just the destination.  The struggle is to find the will and the reason to keep travelling that path.

What’s your reason??

 —–

Disclaimer: Okay this entry may not make a lot of sense to a lot of people, and I’m sure the part where I say that I have no reason to endure is going to be interpreted as no reason to go on.  No, ladies and gentlemen, I am not suicidal by any means.  I’m just stating that although I go on, I still haven’t found a reason to continue to do so.  I’m not upset right now in any way shape or form, it’s actually quite the opposite, I really think today is going to be a good day, as is tonight.

– It’s None Of Your Business –

This is a topic that I truly can’t believe I haven’t ranted about yet.  It only really hit me this morning, but this is another area that I can get rather passionate about.  Everyone has that one friend that seems like they have been in the middle of everyone’s business.  When things are fine this friend is very scarce, but any dramatic event occurs and they are the first on the scene.

The Meddler
First I’m going to put this out there because there are already people who are misunderstanding what I am trying to say because just based on that previous paragraph it could be interpreted that I am talking about myself.  Whenever the fecal matter hits the fan, I tend to be around ground zero.  There IS a difference.  Yes, I have a Hero Complex, I am there for those that need me, people come to me… a Hero Complex is NOT when you have to be involved in absolutely everything, and then start talking about everything to everyone. 

There are two key things that separate myself from the meddler that I’m speaking about. 

#1, for the most part I do NOT go looking.  The reason I tend to be at the base of most drama when it comes to my friends is because the people close to me understand that for the most part, there is no situation that I cannot provide at least some solace or insight into.  They come to me, and I am there for them.  If there is an issue that is very extreme to the point where the person won’t ask for the help but its evident that then want it… I will intervene myself.

The Meddler is someone who is not only always around and always there, (I’m going to say HE, but this applies to both genders),  he is lurking around and at the slightest hint that there MAY be some kind of issue he is there.
The main issue is that he is there when there really isn’t anything that warrants such action… and in doing so, can set into motion events that will lead to a situation. . . the tragic part of this is that sometimes people don’t even notice this, all they recognize is that the meddler was there before the drama started trying to help so he must be a great guy to turn too… not realizing that there’s a strong chance he inadvertently caused it in the first place.

I know a meddler, someone who just has to be involved in everything.  Names will not be mentioned, nor will gender, I will continue just saying HE to make sure there’s no confusion.

Putting yourself in the middle of a situation does NOT make you a helpful person.  There are situations where waiting on the sidelines for the dust to settle is the best course of action. 

There are also circumstances that your two cents is really unwelcome, especially if you are the type that will draw conclusions based on whatever information is available to you.

Not only that, there’s this part as well…  there’s a trust issue.  Because the Meddler is someone who is usually on your side, while you’re talking to them, but when talking to the other party involved he’s on their side.  Like, that’s the biggest pet peeve I have on this topic.  The meddler I know is someone who is a good friend when I’m talking, but it’s funny that there have been countless times from a near endless amount of sources that I can think of, where I was informed of things this meddler has said about me… but of course, when you confront them, it’s an entirely different story. 

You can’t get yourself involved in everyone’s problems, AND be the type of person to just go along with whatever someone is telling you if they are the only person in the room.

The funniest thing is that this meddler seems to not even realize that it’s being done this way, so how can I be angry?  It would be like yelling at a skitzo for something their other personality done… they wouldn’t know any better.

Also, I’m thinking in this particular case… I wouldn’t be so vexed on this issue if only this particular meddler wasn’t hiding under the guise of helping, because when they are “working” they sound supportive and like they know what they’re talking about.  When they don’t.

I’m not a confident man.  I generally would never legitimately believe that I do anything better than anyone else… here’s where I can make an exception.   This meddler does not know how to take care of this drama.  They lacks the ability to differentiate the persona they wants to put off, the phony-personality that they want the world to see… one of those people who if you make up something off the top of your head, and talk about it like it was something that EVERYONE knew about back in the day.. he all of a sudden remembers it too.

There is a lack of sincerity there, and that’s what really gets to me when this meddler does their thing.  So maybe this rant should more be aimed at, Unless you know what you’re doing, stop meddling.  Man this is a topic I could go on forever about.

Drawing conclusions based on rumor… making assumptions based on minimal amount of evidence… and the worst, never confronting the source of the matter, these are the crimes of the meddler type vs the hero complex.  I do NOT seek out drama, it just finds me.  It finds me because I know how to deal with it for the most part (at least when its other people)….

The meddler is there because he yearns for it, maybe the best was to describe the meddler is to describe myself in high school… I helped because it was the best was I could fit in with everyone… I’m older now, that is far from the case.  Even back then though, I knew what I was doing. 

So just to Recap –

If there is something going on you need to realize not everyone needs your two cents.  There are only a few select few people who I would go out of my way to aid.  The highway to hell is paved with good intentions, and just speaking from personal experience, almost every time this particular meddler got involved in my affairs (on the times when I didn’t include them) it never turned out good.  Terrible advice, and most times I find out.. well lets just say this meddler isn’t the most closed-lipped person I know.

If you’re not brought on board, just stay away.  If you lack the ability to empathize and understand what other people emote to you, then you should just refer them to someone else, you won’t be able to help.

– The Music Of The Mood –

The influence of music on a person is almost a justifiable fact, albeit there are still a small-scale of debate about how music can affect different things in the world.  Some may seem unbelievable.  For instance playing certain music for plants affecting their growth.  Reading up on musical influence is a very interesting study.  This is not about anything semi-supernatural.  I just started thinking about how for a lot of people you can understand their mood, their mindset, but the music they are playing.

Someone angry a lot of times will play angry music.  Sad will play sad music. We know this, Songs are sometimes attached to memories so when we feel nostalgic we play those songs and mentally go back to that memory.

Come With Me By Puff Daddy will always remind me of Corner Brook summer camp with Paul Vincent, where we both first met Corey Bursey.  It was an amazing week.

Sure Enough By Paul Brandt will always remind me of the first time I played it at O’Reillys when Nuala, Shannon and Danielle were there.  I played Freshman for Nuala, Jenny Jenny for Shannon, and dedicated Sure Enough to Danielle.

Your Arms Feel Like Home By 3 Doors Down will always remind me of driving him from Stephenville with Candace and we actually were having a bit of a conversation about how couples have songs.  She was curled up in Shotgun, and pretty tired.  So we stopped talking and this song was playing… it became a song for us.

Freshman by Verve Pipe will forever remind me of the backlot, it is the song that everyone kept wanting me to play every time I got up.  Back when my repertoire consisted of like 10 songs only. 

45 by Shinedown will always remind me of Erin Alexander.  Going to the backlot the first time and hearing her play this song, while I was drunk I became one of her biggest fans and always yelled at her when she was playing.  She also played her own spin on the freshman as well.

I could keep going.. but the point is. Music can be a reflection of what is on your mind.  But, what has been happening a lot lately is… Music has been influencing those moods.  I’ll tell you what, you can youtube these… the last 5 songs I listened to was Beautiful By Eminem, Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime by Beck, Last To Know by 3 Days Grance, and now I am currently listening to Snuff. 

My mood is sub-giddy to say the least.  The music I am listening to is on random, but these selections are actually bringing my mood down.  I don’t want to skip them because I enjoy them.  But when I’m listening, it is bringing up thoughts in me that maybe shouldn’t be so prominent.  I’m not upset… I’m not intentionally sounding emo… but it’s just interesting.  I always knew Music was an expression, it’s very intriguing to me to see that is not only expresses emotion, but has the ability to draw them out of its own free will.

That’s what I am listening to at the moment.  It does kind of reflect my mood pretty well.  I’m not upset or down and depressed.  It’s more of a soul-searching kind of mood if that makes any sense.  If you listen to the lyrics of the song he is rapping about shitty times, but the chorus is basically saying don’t let anyone else get you down.  So like I said.  Not depressing, but not upbeat either.. just like me right now.

It’s an interesting relation that human beings have with Music.  I mean, it has been around forever, and even in the days before lyrics people related and expressed themselves with this medium.  Music and Emotion is like Peanut Butter and Jelly, they are one in the same.  They are great on their own, but timeless combined. 

The song has just changed to Remember the Name by Fort Minor, and all of a sudden the mood if beginning to change.  I am starting to feel an aura of confidence, less soul-searching. 

That’s what I mean, music is such a fascinating study.  Why does it affect us in the way it does. 

When those “dance-bar” girls want to get ready to go to a club, most of the time you’ll notice a lot of dance music being played in their vicinity as they prepare.  They are pumping themselves up for the club so they can let loose with as much energy as possible.

A fighter or a competitor in any kind of game will sometimes be found with an iPod listening to angry, rock, no-bullshit music… once again with the intended effect to pump them up and have them ready for their fight/match. 

Music has the ability to also completely destroy you. A certain song on the radio can bring you back to a really rough time.. or whats worse is when there’s a song that you associated with a certain memory.. and it’s painful to remember.

When I think of Angel by Miss Lilith Fair herself, it’s rough not to think about the first time I ever slow danced and who it was with… that’s still a hard memory to deal with, but just goes to show you..

Music has such a profound effect, even the toughest of macho-men are capable of being touched, all you need is the right memory and the right tune.

– Innocence – Resisting Lifes Obstacles-

I was just watching a video online.  In this video there was a scene about a kid that was so pumped for Christmas,  he can’t wait until he can open those presents, and check his plate of cookies to see if Santa came by. 

This made me think.  I may sound like a retired vet when I say this, but it just happens to be what is on my mind.   Have you ever wished you could go back to a time when you completely ignorant to the serious woes of life… you were oblivious to responsibility and your only real role in life is to behave, and to have fun.

The Innocence Of Our Youth, is something that everyone should appreciate, albeit I understand that no one ever can.  Baz Lurhman said it best when he said, “Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, no nevermind you wont truly understand the power and beauty of your youth until it has faded.”  It’s true as well.  I mean I have the knowledge that I am still technically in my youth, there are so many different paths I can take now… and yet, all I can seem to do is look in the past and see the missed opportunities.

I understand this is in direct contradiction with my regrets entry earlier, where I say I have no regrets.  I don’t regret anything, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I could go back to a simpler time.  It would be so amazing to go back to a time when I did believe in Santa Claus.  that i didn’t know what was really going on in the world around me, nor did I care as long as I could play power rangers with the guys. 

Looking at lost innocence it is hard to give the world any credit to provide any positivity.  If the world can take something so pure and gentle and manipulate it into jaded pessimism, how can I sit at this computer and tell you that life is good… that things will all be okay.  Well I couldn’t.

In my reflection about losing my childhood innocence and the belief that it happens to everyone, I look at the state of this world.  Do you understand how often I’ve heard the past two weeks that “life sucks.”  All from different sources, all for different reasons, but the attitude is the same. 

I got something to say.  I agree, there’s a part of me that thinks that my life sucks.  It seems that no matter what I try to how much effort I put in, I can’t seem to make progress.  Life keeps giving me reasons to give up… but you know what I say to that?

Life is only as malevolent or benevolent as you want to make it.  Yes, I’ve come across resistance, but I persevere.  Does that mean I will accomplish my goal?  Not necessarily, hell as much as I hate to admit it, it doesn’t even look likely anymore.. but here I am anyway. I persevere and I will keep so.

So you tried doing something good for someone, and it completely backfired in your face, it came full circle and now you’re public enemy number one? … I’ve been there.

So you did everything you could to not hurt someone, but they ended up hurt in the end, and most people point the finger of blame at you, even though you were trying to do the right thing?… I’ve been there.

Life takes a giant dump on me almost everyday.  There’s always some reason for me to feel like I don’t want to get out of bed.. that I want to lay there and not get up.. hell a lot of days I’d go to sleep not wanting to wake up…. and yet… I persevere.  

I don’t have my boyish innocence anymore… my eyes are open.  I see the razor blades of life and I know that they do their damnedest to try to make sure I fail in whatever endeavour I undertake.  But… I’m still standing.  I get through.  Nothing can stop me.

When you’re a child everything is simple, black and white.. you don’t need thought you don’t need the effort.  As an adult, happiness becomes an everyday struggle.  If you do not have happiness right now, you may have a rough path ahead of you, but keep in mind the worst things get now.. the better they will end up when you find your purpose, and obtain your goals. 

I don’t know what new changes September is going to bring when it comes to my life, and my emotional mindset… I’m pretty excited to see them though. 

The razors are closing in again, but as always I’m going to rebel.  I will be happy if it kills me. 😛
You shouldn’t give up in what you want, or believe in.  Not just because of some resistance.  If your goal is worth the struggle then you will be surprised the depths of determination you can find deep in yourself… the proper motivation is all that you need.

Our innocence is gone, but that is far from meaning our lives are over.