This isn’t a rant about a topic or idea… this is going under Newfie Times.. This is a story and a memory. Also, a message to a friend.
I gave up. My last one ditch effort to get her to see the people in her life that were truly there for her failed. I was hoping that my idle threat to exit her life would get her to see what she would be giving up by continuing her path. I wanted her to know that her family is there for her.. that I was there for her… but it didn’t work. The emotional reaction I received was anger.
She was gone, and I have completely failed. I left her to her own devices. I have been consistently beating myself up over this, especially two days ago when a certain someone made that sarcastic comment about me “swooping in to save the day.”
Today, I find out that at least part of what I feared and anticipated happened. So I am writing this rant, not for any particular point other than to give her a message.
I want you to know that I know that I gave up, but there was always the part of me that was hoping that you would still come to me when you needed me. I think that’s what happened moments ago actually. You may not admit this, and you may even still claim to hate me, but you turned to me. You KNOW that I am here for you, always will be.
You are too great of a person to be letting this get to you, however I know that isn’t what you want to hear. But, since I’m not sure if I will see you online later I want to tell you this and hopefully you can take some solace in it.
You are an integral part of who I am today. There were many key people in my life that have aided in molding me into the man I am, and you were one of the first. You saw something in an overweight, emo kid sitting on the back step. I realize that you may not remember this, or if you do there is just bits and pieces. So I figure I’m going to share the story here.. because I remember, practically every detail.
It was the summer I graduated High school… I was pretty not-ready to talk to girls yet. Still reeling from the incident that happened a years prior. But anyway. At a party I receive a kiss from a girl, and I think she likes me, of course I wasn’t big into drinking so I didn’t know the difference between drunk and honesty haha. Anyway, fast forward to a house party at Sara Perry’s. We just finished playing fuck ups, it is the same night that Mark Hussey made the rule that when he needed to drink I needed to snort one.. and I did a couple of those.. Couldn’t smell anything but beer for like a week after haha.
Anyway, I am drunk and go upstairs to what I believe is a conversation between this girl and her friend essentially saying that I was a bet to see if they could pull it off. So, naturally, I get upset. I kind of stormed out the front door and sat on the front step. This is where you come in.
You had no idea who I was… not a clue. You sat down beside me and asked me was I okay. It’s the first time we ever talked. My response is something that later you told me you remembered but I’m sure if you still do now since it is nearing like 10 years.. you may not. My response was, “do you have friends here?” you looked at me confused.. and said yeah you did. Then my rebuttal was “Then you should go have fun with them”… that’s how we first met. heh, from that it went to mIRC talking.. to actually hanging out.
You came to my place like a few days later, where my cousin was playing Halo… you sat down and played with him,and got destroyed haha but it was still fun to see. It was the start to a great summer.
Funny enough you are one of the few people who I met in my life, trying to save me, instead of vice versa. We hung out a lot that summer and got to be really close friends to the point that your boyfriend didn’t really like me, even though he never met me. The point of this story is, that summer is still one of the best summers I can remember, there were a lot of great parties, and a lot of great times, and at least half of that was with you.
I then went to Grenfell, and well my own drama caught up with me and I had like a nervous breakdown, which I remember a conversation with you where I had you pretty upset.. we were never really close after that.. not like we used to be. I still consider you a great friend, even now.
I know that there are people going to read this and draw a conclusion that I am trying to get with you. I can imagine at least three that even though I am putting it here will still assume that is the purpose of this entry. But, no. I just want to remind you that even though you are going through some profound agony right now.. and you feel like there is no way to go on. What you want you can’t have, and it kills you on every level…. I want you to remember that you are still an amazing person. You will move on from this even though right now you don’t want to and feel like you never will.
I know you felt like your family didn’t support you.. that I didn’t support you. But we were there for you this whole time, and we will continue to be there.
Turn to your friends and family. We are here for you, whatever it is you need.
You have more strength than you realize, and this will only make you stronger in the end. I assure you.