To succeed in this world you need ambition. You need that one thing that you are passionate about to keep you going. Either you find work with it, or you find a great hobby that alleviates the stress from the workplace. But without the one big passion, I don’t think someone can be successful.
Mine? … Well, I guess that’s truly the purpose of this entry. I don’t know what mine is anymore. I have been so bogged down with all the bullshit drama that was going on in my life, that I have simply lost touch.
There were two major ambitions that I have had. Music being one. I enjoyed going to clancys and playing, and it was great, now not so much. I don’t want to blame it on open mic, but it is had to put the finger of blame anywhere else. I played so often, that my binder with a few hundred songs all felt over played. The more I played, the more people got used to hearing me play and the more mediocre I felt.
I don’t consider myself a great musician, and I don’t think I ever will. My confidence in my ability was never great to begin with, but with a few exceptions, I think I’ve got even less confidence in that now because of open mic. Like I said, everything felt over played, and I always had this thought in my head that people were tired of hearing me. I still feel like that actually, I think that’s why the show didn’t go ahead on the weekend, and why the only real reason I even play songs at open mic if because I know how Kim enjoys having a break.
I legitimately do not enjoy playing anymore.
Actually it goes back to the reason I learned to play in the first place. Being told that I wasn’t “Smart, good-looking, or funny” and that I should learn to play guitar to be cool somewhat stuck with me. I had no social skills, I was a weak-minded peon. The thought of going up to someone and talking was completely out of the question.
These days, if I want to talk to someone, it’s just a matter of walking up and saying “Hey”. No need to be worried, no need to hold back. The worst that can happen is they tell you they don’t want to talk. Maybe I outgrew my guitar? I don’t need it as a crutch to socialize anymore so it is outliving it’s usefulness. It pains me to say that especially since it’s more than likely that this is an issue of just being burnt out. I’ll be back to playing for myself eventually.
Stacey did teach me something yesterday though concerning this topic. I still have a way to go about this shyness. She completely floored me in the mall parking lot.
We were driving around and there was a van in front of use with Newfie flags painted in the windows, and yet they had a Yukon plate. Stacey immediately said, “they are newfies that moved to the Yukon, because only Newfies paint the flag like that”. I simply said it COULD be that they are from the Yukon but enjoy Newfoundland so much that they painted those images…
It is a debate that went on until the van stopped at the mall parking lot, where Stacey proceeded to get out of the car and walk up to the van and ask them.
She was right of course, but that’s not the point of the story. The point is, I have a way to go with this whole self-confident thing. I don’t think there is any way I could’ve gone up and done that. Actually, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have been able to. We would’ve stayed speculating.
I wish I could know for certain why is it that I lost my will to play. I hope it is just a phase, maybe I just need to recharge.
The second ambition?? Well I’ll save that one for another entry. Anyone close to me will already be able to guess what that is though.