I want to scream until right now at the top of my lungs, till every vein and artery pops and my head explodes leaving an overweight, headless corpse sitting in this chair at the office… Does that accurately represent how frustrated I am at the moment? Not quite. Multiply the intensity of that little image by 1,000 and you’ll have a small understanding of what I am feeling right now.
I have never been so ineffective with someone in my entire life. I’ve always been able to infuse a little bit of common sense in these issues, but I am useless right not. Giving me a feeling of worthlessness because the one person I wanted to help above all others will never see things with clear vision.
I failed. It’s no longer a big deal that I have giving up, I have accepted the fact that I can’t help. It’s just now sinking in that by giving up, I have failed. I am leaving her to the misery that she is maintaining in her life.
I know there is a part of her that trusts me, that knows what I am saying is true. There has to be some aspect of her personality buried deep underneath the surfaced restrained under lock and key, that knows that I am here to look out for her. I am here when she needs me. I am legitimately thinking solely of her happiness, and how I know the way in which she can obtain it.
Alas, that small part has not been prominent in the light of day on the surface for quite some time now. I really hope that one day she does wake up and realize this.
Maybe someday she’ll see that the people she percieves to be “ruining” her life are really just telling her what she doesn’t want to hear, and doing things in an attempt to get her to see how much better her life can be if only she could see the difference between the part of her life that is consuming her, and the part of her life that is trying to rescue her.
I have a feeling that I am going to end up being cut off by her because of this entry, especially considering she literally just asked me to give her my opinion on everything even though I told her she will hate me if I did. I figured the best way to follow up an entry that may have burned a bridge is with a second.
This man that “ruined” your life today is one of the only people in this entire world that will always do what he thinks is right for you. I understand that by doing what he did today you feel like he betrayed you, and that he’s such a cruel person… but I highly doubt that’s the case. I know how much you look up to him, and I also know how much he cares for you. If he didn’t care about you, it wouldn’t get to him so much that you treated so terribly by the “love” in your life.
Please don’t bother messaging me and telling me that it isn’t about the fact that he isn’t helping you.. it is the lying and betrayal that you are referring too. I am not talking about this, I am confident I know why he did what he did, and Honestly I would’ve done the same.
This “love” in your life has you legitimately believing that you are useless… that your life is pathetic… that you ain’t worth a damn. Tell me that “Oh, You don’t know him very well”… I don’t have to. When he pulled his shit and you told me about it… I’ve pieced it together myself. He’s a user.. and he has you thinking that you are so below him that you are afraid to go anywhere… you actually have yourself convinced that you truly want to be there… and yet you find yourself miserable most of the time.
You really think the misery in your life comes from everything else but him… when in reality I”m sure that most if not all comes from his taint. You aren’t aware of this, but women in your situation never see it clearly, and the concept of this “reason for living” that you call a man, could very well be why you feel dirt most of the time is an absurb thought to process.
But One day you will see. It may be today… tomorrow.. next week.. 10 years down the road… I don’t know. Hopefully it’ll be sooner rather then later. But you WILL see that we were right and all we want is for you to be happy.
I hate helplessness. I want this person to be happy, and yet there is nothing I can do even though I see the problem and I know the solution. This has got to be the worst feeling I can describe.
As I described it to a friend earlier… this is serious Manchurian Candidate brainwashing going on right now.. and there’s sweet fuck all I can do to stop it. It kills me.
Good luck girl, you are going to need it.