Staring At The World Through My Rearview

First, I want to make it clear.  This post is about reflection, not regret.  If you’ve read the last entry you all know how I feel about regrets. 

“Staring At The World Through My Rearview” is actually one of my favorite Tupac songs.  It samples the worlds of “In The Air Tonite” which has been on my mind since 3 Days Graced played it at Salmon Festival.    I’m listening to this song right now and I’m getting all nostalgic about everything.  I’m look at who I am, and think about who I’ve been, and wonder who the real me actually is?

I guess the short answer is that I am who i am eh? 

Right now, there is very little that I will deny anyone.  If someone needs me for any reason, I generally there. 

I’m not someone who says I’m there for everyone and yet when someone comes to me for help, find a reason to avoid it.  If you have a legit issue and you think I have any ability at all to aid, I will be there and I will do it.  I

I know I have people I can turn to if I needed to but lately I haven’t needed to, and honestly recently when I did need to I just came here and posted something online.  I’m not someone who will whine saying that I’m there for everyone but no one is there for me.  I happen to find this a funny statement, Most times when you hear someone say that, you’ll come to the realization that they are not so much there for everyone like they say they are… cause I know that right now if I had any kind of crisis, I can turn to a lot of people and they’ll be there for me. . . why will they be?  because they know that if situations were reversed (and they usually are lol) … I’m here for them.

I also, am not someone who feels the need to instigate problems and situations just so I can be the white knight.  I love hearing from someone who they are usually the hero in their story but upon closer inspection you find out that they were originally a catalyst that caused the issue in the first place.  Not to say I haven’t caused drama, but I don’t brag when I am instrumental in resolving problems like that. 

I know I talk about hero-complex giving me purpose in life.  But, honestly, I mean it when I say that I would much rather feel useless and have everyone I care about be happy…. then feel useful because of their trouble. 

Thing is people talk before thinking.  Of this I am guilty as well,  this entry for example is a perfect case.  I am not going to proof read this.  I don’t know what this entry is even about, I am just typing and when I’m done I will press publish after adding a few pictures. 

Looking back on my early years, I was there.  Everyone was able to turn to me if they needed someone.  I felt so useful, haha I think it was the only time in my childhood I felt worth a damn.  Maybe that’s why now as an adult you can vent, bitch, moan and complain to me and I will not turn you away.  I’m not saying that I’ll be all comforting all the time, sometimes stupidity needs to be met with harsh opinions, and a wake-call is needed.

Recently I’ve had to do that.  I’ve abandoned a friend of mine and left her to the shitty relationship that is destroying her life.  The worst part is… she doesn’t want to admit that I’m right about it.  Got her own place, a good job, but she spends all her money and time on him.  She actually upset me to the point where I was feeling shitty about myself so I had to take a step back. 

I care about her and I want to help her.. but she’s just not ready to be helped.

I want everyone reading this to do something for me.  For a 24 hours period at least, just be completely honest, if you have something on your mind.. just say it.  I long to live, at least for a day, in a community that has honesty.  Don’t kid yourself, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, just get out and be you.

It’s 30 minutes until I am off work, so I am going to end this pretty soon.  I apologize if this entry isn’t up to par and it is kind’ve all over the place.  But this is the literal diarrhea that exist in my mind, and this is how it sounds when I share it with you all.

Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll have something more coherent to type about.


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