The Weight Of The World

You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

I’m breaking my own personal rule of life with this entry.  The cardinal rule that I have set for myself to allow me to function in society, has been held pretty sacred for the most part.  It is a pretty simple concept to.

Never Let Them See You Doubt.

I”m going to be completely honest in this post.  I have ranted and raved about aspects of society and interpersonal relations that I needed to get out of my head and had no one to listen, so I vented to the e-world.   This rant is about myself.

My rule is to never show doubt.  I’ve got exceptions.  There are close friends that I talk to when the bottle boils over and I have to get other opinions.  People look at me and I believe they enjoy hanging with me.  Would consider me to be a good friend.  I enter the world and go in public with a persona that I am 100% comfortable with who I am.

I need to.  You walk with that demeanour and it looks convincing, you attracted new people into your life.  People wouldn’t want to be around me if they knew what was actually on my mind. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do.  I truly wouldn’t even consider myself to be a decent friend, let alone a good one.  In the wake of my St. John’s life, I have come to realize that if you fake confidence enough, eventually you’ll start believing some of it, and as long as its convincing people will still want to be around you. 

The biggest problem I have that results in me having no confidence is my image.  I despise my reflection.  Rare occasions you’ll see me wearing a button up shirt over my t-shirt, and on VERY rare occasions you’ll see me in just a sleeveless shirt (like at salmon fest)… but generally it’s t-shirt and hoodie for me, because I don’t want anyone pointing out my torso. 

I cannot do any activity that requires shirtlessness.  Swimming especially is the bad one because once upon a time I enjoyed it.  Now, my image is so low that it’s not even just because of how I look, I’ve grown to actually not enjoy it anymore.  Even when I’m with a girlfriend in bed, shirt stays on. 

The way I look basically means that I will never be THAT guy.  I’m not going to be the guy that a girl notices from across the bar, and then pokes her friend and points me out.  I’m not the guy that gets the attention when I’m in public, unless it’s open mic and someone wants to hear a certain song… 

I feel like there are a lot that I missed out on, and most of it is due to the way I look.

I’m overweight, I’ve dealt with it.  I am a fat person, that is fact.  Friends, mostly female friends try to “comfort” me by saying, “oh you’re not fat” etc.  Listen, when I don’t have a shirt on and can see that reflection.. I can see it.  2XL button up shirts cannot be buttoned comfortably if I”m sitting down, how can you try to tell me that I”m not fat.

This guy has to go. 

Not that I want to get a bunch of girls on the go, but I just want to go to the bar and hear some girls talking about me like they do when someone attractive walks in.

We were at Salmon Fest over the weekend, which prompted this new ideal.  I was looking around and there were a bunch of people who were just laying or standing there shirtless watching the bands.  I started thinking.. if I did that right now I’m sure there would be a lot of people looking, but out of mockery and not admiration. 

Like I said, I know I’m breaking my own rules right now.  There is nothing that is less attractive than a guy that is emo.  A guy that without confidence might as well be a another pet, no one can take him seriously, because it is the male-confidence that attract people to want to be around. Without it, He is not a man.  Especially those that enjoy a guy that takes charge.  It’s hard to look authoritative when you’re whining about the size of your beer gut eh?

It doesn’t matter though, I need to say it here.. If it’s online, and everyone can see this.  I know that I’m not going to cop-out. I want everyone to see how embarrassed I am with my appearance, so the pressure of knowing that you all know how I feel will keep me on the straight and narrow… Maybe next salmon festival I will be among one of those guys that is comfortable enough to be shirtless when the sun is beating down.

July 19th 2010. – I’m getting KFC for lunch today.  It is my goodbye to fast food. 

Day One starts July 20th.

Wish Me Luck.

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