The Weight Of The World

You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

I’m breaking my own personal rule of life with this entry.  The cardinal rule that I have set for myself to allow me to function in society, has been held pretty sacred for the most part.  It is a pretty simple concept to.

Never Let Them See You Doubt.

I”m going to be completely honest in this post.  I have ranted and raved about aspects of society and interpersonal relations that I needed to get out of my head and had no one to listen, so I vented to the e-world.   This rant is about myself.

My rule is to never show doubt.  I’ve got exceptions.  There are close friends that I talk to when the bottle boils over and I have to get other opinions.  People look at me and I believe they enjoy hanging with me.  Would consider me to be a good friend.  I enter the world and go in public with a persona that I am 100% comfortable with who I am.

I need to.  You walk with that demeanour and it looks convincing, you attracted new people into your life.  People wouldn’t want to be around me if they knew what was actually on my mind. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do.  I truly wouldn’t even consider myself to be a decent friend, let alone a good one.  In the wake of my St. John’s life, I have come to realize that if you fake confidence enough, eventually you’ll start believing some of it, and as long as its convincing people will still want to be around you. 

The biggest problem I have that results in me having no confidence is my image.  I despise my reflection.  Rare occasions you’ll see me wearing a button up shirt over my t-shirt, and on VERY rare occasions you’ll see me in just a sleeveless shirt (like at salmon fest)… but generally it’s t-shirt and hoodie for me, because I don’t want anyone pointing out my torso. 

I cannot do any activity that requires shirtlessness.  Swimming especially is the bad one because once upon a time I enjoyed it.  Now, my image is so low that it’s not even just because of how I look, I’ve grown to actually not enjoy it anymore.  Even when I’m with a girlfriend in bed, shirt stays on. 

The way I look basically means that I will never be THAT guy.  I’m not going to be the guy that a girl notices from across the bar, and then pokes her friend and points me out.  I’m not the guy that gets the attention when I’m in public, unless it’s open mic and someone wants to hear a certain song… 

I feel like there are a lot that I missed out on, and most of it is due to the way I look.

I’m overweight, I’ve dealt with it.  I am a fat person, that is fact.  Friends, mostly female friends try to “comfort” me by saying, “oh you’re not fat” etc.  Listen, when I don’t have a shirt on and can see that reflection.. I can see it.  2XL button up shirts cannot be buttoned comfortably if I”m sitting down, how can you try to tell me that I”m not fat.

This guy has to go. 

Not that I want to get a bunch of girls on the go, but I just want to go to the bar and hear some girls talking about me like they do when someone attractive walks in.

We were at Salmon Fest over the weekend, which prompted this new ideal.  I was looking around and there were a bunch of people who were just laying or standing there shirtless watching the bands.  I started thinking.. if I did that right now I’m sure there would be a lot of people looking, but out of mockery and not admiration. 

Like I said, I know I’m breaking my own rules right now.  There is nothing that is less attractive than a guy that is emo.  A guy that without confidence might as well be a another pet, no one can take him seriously, because it is the male-confidence that attract people to want to be around. Without it, He is not a man.  Especially those that enjoy a guy that takes charge.  It’s hard to look authoritative when you’re whining about the size of your beer gut eh?

It doesn’t matter though, I need to say it here.. If it’s online, and everyone can see this.  I know that I’m not going to cop-out. I want everyone to see how embarrassed I am with my appearance, so the pressure of knowing that you all know how I feel will keep me on the straight and narrow… Maybe next salmon festival I will be among one of those guys that is comfortable enough to be shirtless when the sun is beating down.

July 19th 2010. – I’m getting KFC for lunch today.  It is my goodbye to fast food. 

Day One starts July 20th.

Wish Me Luck.

Last To Know

I’m not going to lie here, I was looking forward to 3 Days Grace at Salmon Festival, but it isn’t like I was uber-pumped.  I was actually more excited to get to see Doc Walker than 3 Days Grace.   That being said, 3DG’s set was amazing. 

Last To Know – completely floored me, I was not expecting anything like this from a band like 3DG.  It doesn’t mimic my life quite like it does for Mr. Jeff Vineham who has been pumped since he first heard it on Saturday, but I was still impressed. 

– Treat Them Right –

So it’s back down to this.  No, I am not going to get on this computer and elevate myself above all the other guys that have provoked this entry.  I am no better, in fact if you ask Danielle I actually fit into the category of the “asshole” that I may or may not define in this entry.

But there are numerous friends that I am talking to right now, and one in particular that I have given up on, that have talked to me about guys/girls. 

I’m not going to be saying Guy/girl throughout this whole entry.  So I’m just going to use guys as the idiots and girls as the victims, but that’s only because that is what I’ve come to see as being the most common situation.

What I don’t understand is a guy that is with a girl who is out of his league entirely.  She is absolutely stunning, intelligent, funny, understanding… and what does he do?  He flakes off on her, saying that he’ll come over but then not show.. not even text to say he won’t be there. 

Or how about the guy that will walk down the street holding her hand, and then a car comes into view with a few of his buddies inside, and all of a sudden the hand is back in his own pockets leaving the girl with a confused look on her face?

What is with it?  You have these women that are desperately seeking the guy that’ll make her feel like Royalty (while at the same time not being a obediant pet just doing what she tells him to)…

Guys that are managing to get the attraction of the best girls is just throwing them away and getting away with it.  Not only does it mean that they are having their fun, before discarding them… but it is also ruining the name and reputation of guys as a gender to that girl… 

Speaking as what is usually part of the clean up crew when the pricks have their way, I can tell you that it’s never a good feeling to be talking to someone who is incredible, and hear them talk about how all guys can’t be trusted and they all go bad in the end.

It kills me because I know one thing, I know myself now.  I understand the mistakes I’ve made with Danielle, and I have been putting every ounce of energy I have to make sure that I never treat anyone else that way again.  I believe the relationship with Candace showed that I am capable of that… I understand that it really is rough that me and her broke up, but although that did hurt…  I stand by my belief that I still didn’t mistreat her.

Not just talking about myself… I know guys that would easily be able to prove those girls wrong.  Dave Beck, Johnny Pardy, Jeff Vineham, Aaron Pittman, Adam Diamond, I really could keep going. 

Like I was telling one of my friends today who has seemed to have absolutely no faith in men whatsoever… Once you find a guy that was attracted to you with his brain first.. before he started thinking with his dick…  you’ll see that there are worthwhile members of the Male gender.

This being said.. I wish I could castrate 95% of us.  I’ve gotten to a point where I’m beginning to think that the reproduction of our species should be down through artificial insemination.. and relationships should be outlawed.  It seems like both sides hate each other, and it is not very often when two people come together successfully.  There’s way too much hurt in this world due to failed relationships, that it is weighing down the ones that work.

I really want to prove him wrong, I know I can. At my core I know that although I have been neglectful in the past.  And even at the start of this entry I said I would not try to exclude myself from the problem here.  When reading the examples and thinking of the particular people in my life that have inspired this entry, I know I am capable of better. 

I refuse to let assholes continue to reign free unchecked in this world.  Something must be done, and until I can find a way to get away with murder, I’ll just have to keep being damage control.

If you’re with someone.. BE with them.  If not, then do the right thing and DON’T BE with them.  That sounds pretty straight forwarded doesn’t it?