Fallen Hero Rising

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” – Will Rogers


If you know me, then you know that I have a hero complex.  Well, at least my own defined hero complex.  There is no official diagnosis, and there has not been any studies into the condition, also if you Wikipedia it you will find a write-up about people who manufacture resolvable problems so they can swoop in to be the hero.  That is not the condition that I suffer from.
There are people who will say that I am not entirely accurate on this description of myself.  That I am only there for a select few… that I am not the “hero” that I try to make myself out to be.
I’ll be the firs to admit that I am far from a perfect person.  I can be a pretty terrible person at times actually.  Albeit there are times this judgement of me is not due to fact or an action of myself merely due to the fact that I keep telling people who I am a douche, but that’s not the point.

I have a Hero Complex, defined by myself as the inexplicable need to help.  I’ve been told on numerous occasions from varying people about how amazed they are that so many people turn to me when they have issues.  In later years this personality trait has gone a long way in defining who I am.  My role is the problem solver, or at least to an extent.  It gives me purpose.  I enjoy being able to say that people feel comfortable coming to me when they need help, and I don’t think it is unfair to say that usually I”m pretty successful in helping them take care of whatever is on their mind.

That being said, I get to thinking about people in general.  Self perception vs reputation.  See, I would like to believe that people see me as someone of worth that can be turned to in a jam.  The reality of it is though, some people can easily view things differently. 

I’m at a bar talking to a friend, who claims that they are a lot like me.  That everyone turns to them, and they have no one to turn to when they need to talk, meanwhile they have been ranting to me for 2 weeks about the boy troubles.  Just recalling this, I wonder… am I the same way.  Do I boast eternal patience, and yet completely neglect someone. 

How do you perceive me? 

he·ro
–noun, plural -roes; for 5 also -ros.  

1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

 

This is how the dictionary defines a hero.
Once upon a time I would’ve agreed that I could be justifiably put into that category.  I do not believe so today.

The very same friend talked about in the “She’s Just A Woman”  post has made her mind.  For the first time in life I have completely given up on someone who I KNOW needs help.  I am a firm believer in “you can’t help someone if they refuse to help themselves,” but I’ve never just given up before. 

I just couldn’t keep it up.  She’s important to me and the way she talked was crushing my will and destroying me piece by piece… my last act of aid is to leave her to her issues and hopefully one day she’ll see that I was trying to look out for her.  She’s in for a rough time in the very near future. 

 24 hours later, it still shakes me to the core to think that I actually gave up, but looking back I can’t think of anything that I could’ve done differently.  Sure I could’ve dragged it out, but in the end it wouldn’t have prevented the outcome.  I hope she is doing okay, and that she finds the answers I couldn’t give her.  

 

So, what is it that drives a person to be the said “hero” that I keep referring too?  It’s not a simple question, and it’s near impossible to stay clear of false prophets in this analysis.  

There are those that actually do go out and cause problems and situations that they’ll be able to resolve just to get the recognition and glory of heroism.  It is these people that need to be watched, because sometimes this fantasy can be taken to extremes.  

The most dangerous is the nice-asshole.  The man who is an absolute abomination to mankind that will do or say anything to get his way.  You have problems, he has answers, but for a price.  Usually that price is your dignity and self-respect.  

I do what I do because it’s what I do.  I’m no heaven sent angel who was charged by the divination to fix everyones problems and be a role model to mankind or anything… but when I have friends that need someone, I am there.  As long as I am aware there is a problem, I find myself wedged trying to take care of it.  This motivation comes with no selfish intentions or hairbrained agendas.  I just legitimately hate seeing a friend hurt.  

I am tired though.  I really am tired.  I will reiterate one last time, I am a selfish person.  I do things sometimes without thinking them through simply out of greed, I have even done things out of malice.  I am NOT a perfect person, hell I wouldn’t even classify myself as a good person, it is through the pounding into my head of my peers that allows me to even entertain the idea that I am worth a damn.  

But, the people who have their entire worlds revolve around themselves.  That is the annoying side.  The people who talk about being there for everyone, but being trampled on, when if you really look at behaviour and actions, nothing could be further from the truth.  

Wake up call… stop.  look around.  think about everything you have done and said in the past 72 hours, and really look.  Then try to tell me that you’re so alone even though you’re there for everyone….


I consider myself to be back to normal.  Back to who I was supposed to be this entire time.  It’s been over a decade since I could say I felt this natural.  I am still the guy you all know, the guy that will be there when you need an anchor.  I’m back to being the guy that is a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to eliminating drama.  The slight difference, is that I refuse to revert back to a time before I had a backbone.  I like the fact that in recent years I have grown the ability to tell people to go “fuck themselves” when they get out of line. 

10 years ago, I was ever vigilant looking for catastrophes to deal with, but at the same time I could never stand up or say no to nearly anyone.  

Right now I feel better than I have in years, with the exception of the fact that this moment specifically I feel like a failure.  

 So…. In short?   – Reading this post back, I discovered that I actually just compared heroism to simply being a “Nice-Guy”  Meh… in this world I think it wouldn’t be unfair to say that they are one in the same.   

What do you think?  Are there any real Hero’s left in this world?

Deviant Art Pictures
The Dark Wonderer – Defiled Visions
Hero – Vablo
Fallen Hero – Kimoz

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